One of the best for figuring out who you are dealing with, how to protect your kids and yourself....very recently published.
Lundy Bancroft. WHY DOES HE DO THAT? Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. G.P. Putnam ISBN 0-399-14844-2. published 2002.
Abuse (see definitions) is not an illness nor an addiction. Not a question of childhood issues nor low self-esteem. It is a choice based on his skewed core values. He has a distorted sense of right and wrong. So, concentrate on the way he thinks, not what he feels, to protect yourself.
Chapter 3, The Abusive Mentality: He feels ENTITLED. He is controlling, manipulative, he isn't abusive because he is angry, he is angry because he is abusive, he twists things into their opposites (you are abusing him and he has to defend himself), he disrespects his partner and considers himself superior to her, he strives to have a good public image, he feels justified, he denies and minimizes his abuse, he is possessive AND he confuses love and abuse..."So, is he lying when he says he loves you? No, usually not. Most of my clients do feel a powerful sensation inside that they call love. For many of them it is the only kind of feeling toward a female partner that they have ever had, so they have no way of knowing it isn't love. When an abusive man feels the powerful stirring that other people call love, he is probably largely feeling:
1) The desire to have you devote your life to keeping him happy with no outside interference. (Have you isolated yourself?)
2) The desire to have sexual access.
3) The desire to impress others by having you be his partner.
4) The desire to possess and control you.
Genuine love means respecting the humanity of the other person, wanting what is best for him or her, and supporting the other person's self-esteem and independence. This kind of love is incompatible with abuse and coercion.
Highly Recommended: Chapter 10. Abusive Men as Parents. Tells how your kids might see you as mom in this situation, how you can protect them by telling them the truth, not protecting him or his image, and taking care of yourself, setting boundaries and expectations (ala Michelle) working to maintain the relationships with mom and kids, kids and kids, and how he uses devisive tactics to keep you all unstable.
Chapter 12. The Abusive Man and the Legal System. What to expect from legal authorities, therapists, why the system often dis-protects the mom and kids, how the controlling man uses the system (claiming you have influenced the kids against him. etc.), and makes allies against you.
Chapter 9: The abusive man and breaking up. Be careful! Be wise. Plan ahead. Even if he is the one who left.
Part IV: Changing the Abusive Man. What to look for in a process of genuine change.
An excellent orientation and resource. Why didn't I have this book earlier? So much of it rings true to what I have lived and read here on the BB. Finally, something that is a good predictor of ex.'s behavior and outlook during this mess (yes, narcissism and borderline personality are mentioned). Probably even explains why he left! Depression and he got to the point where he didn't care about what happened to him or couldn't see it because of Entitlement, mixed with my independence (I "wasn't going to change").
Chapter 2: The Mythology. Myths about Abusers: 1) He was abused as a child 2) His previous partner hurt him 3) He abuses those he loves the most 4) He holds in his feelings too much 5)He has an aggressive personality 6) He loses control 7)He is too angry 8) He is mentally ill 9) He hates women 10) He is afraid of intimacy and abandonment 11) He has low self-esteem 12) His boss mistreats him 13) He has poor skills in communication and conflict resolution 14) There are as many abusive women as abusive men 15) His abusiveness is as bad for him as for his partner 16) He is a victim of racism 17) He abuses alcohol or drugs.
Bancroft explains from 15 years of experience why each myth is not true. Simple questions, simple answers
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
