My husband and I have been married 5 years and together 9. It has been rocky since we said I DO. Before we got married we spent everyday together and talked all the time. But when he got his job and we got married,we worked opposite shifts and were lucky if we talked 5-10 min a day. After a year, I got really lonely and I found comfort talkn with a guy I worked with. It started as an emotional affair and some kissing, but never lead to sex. I never told my H about it. I ended this EA, and tried to focus on starting a family with my H. But once we had our first son, I sunk in to a bit of a depression. I have always been insecure with my weight, and my H liked to pick on me. My H became jealous of all the attention that my son was getting from me. And it seemd that the only time he wanted to spend time with me was when he wanted sex. We stopped doing things together because he would get frustrated or start a fight to get out of doing things with me. He became very selfish with his time. He would spend his time on the weekends doing what he wanted to do and left me to watch our son. I started to come out of my depression a bit when I started to loose the weight, and things seemed to get better. Then I got pregnant again with our 2nd son, and things got even worse, because I ended up loosing my job at the end of 2008 and our son was born in March 2009. So I became a stay at home mom, while stilling to find a job. He thought that just because I was home and he had to be the bread winner that he was gonna do what made him happy on the weekends. So not only was I home all day and night with our kids, I was with them everyday without a break. Things really started to go downhill, when his parents told him that they were getting divorced in May 2009. H became even more cold and distant to me, and it seemed that everything I said something it would escalate into a huge fight. Finally in Oct 2009, he told me he was having an affair with someone that he worked with and that he wanted a divorce. He had fallen for this person because she was me before we had kids. He told me ILUBIMJNILU, and that we would be better as friends. So for the first few days, I tried to change my approach towards him, but that didn’t seem to help. H only wanted to talk about divorce and how we could get it done quick and easy. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I moved my kids and I in with my parents 2.5 hrs away. Our divorce was filled at the end of Oct 2009. I have gone to therapy and have come out of my depression, and realized all the stuff we fought about is minor, and I realized how much I love him and want our family to work. I have done all the wrong things to get him to realize that our family matters, and that I want to work on our marriage. In Feb 2010 he put the divorce on hold to go to therapy and make sure this is what he wants, and 3 weeks later the divorce proceedings were back on. He is still seeing the OW and plans to have her move in with him, because he cannot afford to live in his apt, once he has to start paying child support. My H keeps telling me that he is happy with the life and the choices that he has made, even though it comes at the expense of our boys and our marriage. I purchased DR in Feb 2010 and have been trying to do some of the techniques, but my H is not receptive at all to the new changes I have made, he just keeps telling me its over and that I need to move on bc that is what he has done. Last weekend, I gave him the book to read, and I asked him to read it for our kids. I didn’t know what else to do, I desperately want to fix my marriage but I am running out of time. Our pretrial conference is on Apr 26th. Any advice?
XH 30 W 29 M 5/Together 9 2 boys ages 3 and 1 Bomb of OW 10/2009 Divorce final 7/2010 Now in limbo
First of all, sorry to see you are here. Second, you are in the right place if you want to save your marriage.
Remember this all revolves around you - not your H. You are really doing this for you and your kids. If the M works out, great. If not you will have a life afterward.
Check out the DB.com Archive Advice from Wise DB'ers
That will get you started. I'm sure you will get lots of advice from the long time DB'ers soon.
Bottom line now is to wait and be silent ASAP. Wait for him to come to you rather than you pursuing.
My husband and I have been married 5 years and together 9. It has been rocky since we said I DO. Before we got married we spent everyday together and talked all the time. But when he got his job and we got married,we worked opposite shifts and were lucky if we talked 5-10 min a day.
After a year, I got really lonely and I found comfort talkn with a guy I worked with. It started as an emotional affair and some kissing, but never lead to sex. I never told my H about it. I ended this EA, and tried to focus on starting a family with my H. But once we had our first son, I sunk in to a bit of a depression. I have always been insecure with my weight, and my H liked to pick on me.
My H became jealous of all the attention that my son was getting from me. And it seemed that the only time he wanted to spend time with me was when he wanted sex. We stopped doing things together because he would get frustrated or start a fight to get out of doing things with me. He became very selfish with his time. He would spend his time on the weekends doing what he wanted to do and left me to watch our son.
I started to come out of my depression a bit when I started to loose the weight, and things seemed to get better. Then I got pregnant again with our 2nd son, and things got even worse, because I ended up loosing my job at the end of 2008 and our son was born in March 2009. So I became a stay at home mom, while stilling to find a job.
He thought that just because I was home and he had to be the bread winner that he was gonna do what made him happy on the weekends. So not only was I home all day and night with our kids, I was with them everyday without a break.
Things really started to go downhill, when his parents told him that they were getting divorced in May 2009. H became even more cold and distant to me, and it seemed that everything I said something it would escalate into a huge fight.
Finally in Oct 2009, he told me he was having an affair with someone that he worked with and that he wanted a divorce. He had fallen for this person because she was me before we had kids. He told me ILUBIMJNILU, and that we would be better as friends. So for the first few days, I tried to change my approach towards him, but that didn’t seem to help. H only wanted to talk about divorce and how we could get it done quick and easy. I couldn’t take it anymore, so I moved my kids and I in with my parents 2.5 hrs away.
Our divorce was filled at the end of Oct 2009. I have gone to therapy and have come out of my depression, and realized all the stuff we fought about is minor, and I realized how much I love him and want our family to work. I have done all the wrong things to get him to realize that our family matters, and that I want to work on our marriage. In Feb 2010 he put the divorce on hold to go to therapy and make sure this is what he wants, and 3 weeks later the divorce proceedings were back on. He is still seeing the OW and plans to have her move in with him, because he cannot afford to live in his apt, once he has to start paying child support. My H keeps telling me that he is happy with the life and the choices that he has made, even though it comes at the expense of our boys and our marriage.
I purchased DR in Feb 2010 and have been trying to do some of the techniques, but my H is not receptive at all to the new changes I have made, he just keeps telling me its over and that I need to move on bc that is what he has done. Last weekend, I gave him the book to read, and I asked him to read it for our kids. I didn’t know what else to do, I desperately want to fix my marriage but I am running out of time. Our pretrial conference is on Apr 26th.
Any advice?
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Sorry to hear about your sitch. You found a good place for support. I would like to suggest that you focus your energy on making the changes even though H is not receptive at the moment. Things are constantly changing, so it is key for you to keep making positive changes to your beliefs, thoughts, words and actions. Over time, all the small changes you make add up and H will notice.
I would also like to suggest that what works is almost always counter intuitive. In other words, pursing your spouse right now will push him farther away. He is in the fog. Puppy Dog Tails is very wise and you should read as many of his posts as you can.
HUGS
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Consensus is NOT to give your spouse DR or let them know about this web site.
You have given your spouse the book. That is OK. Right now with an A going on, he is most likely not receptive to doing anything that works on fixing the M.
If you can, get it back from him. It is better if he does not have YOUR PLAYBOOK. Go get it. After you get it, if he ever asks about it, which I doubt, say "I decided I wanted to read it again." You can offer another R book like "5 love languages"
If you can't find it, ask for it back. Example: "I would like to re-read some parts of it".
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Unfortuately I have no way to get the book back at the moment, H lives 2 hrs away. I just don't know what to do now.
As of late I have tried very hard to keep our communications at a min, because it tends to get ugly when the certain topics come up. But last weekend, we spent most of the weekend (due to a family fuction) and we didn't fight rather we worked well together to take care of our kids. Which we hadn't done in a long time. He feels like our marrige is a lost cause and that he doesn't want to spend the rest of his life in a loveless marriage (like his parents).
Now what?
XH 30 W 29 M 5/Together 9 2 boys ages 3 and 1 Bomb of OW 10/2009 Divorce final 7/2010 Now in limbo
