How do I expose the affair

[Allen A]

It was my first weekend with the kids since I've been out of the hospital. I didn't want to get overwhelmed, so instead of taking the kids both Friday and Saturday night, I asked my H if he was ok with me taking them Saturday night. He said that was fine. However, I did tell him that if he made plans for Friday night, to please let me know and I would take them Friday night too. I think that is one reason why he lied to me about our 6 year S being home Friday night, then I find out from the kids that nope my S stayed the night at his grandmas.

OK, I did read that right then... He's neglecting his parental responsabilities now as well as his marital ones... He's getting worse.. if you read another thread here one H actually got drunk at their friend's party and threw up all over the place... He has completely lost control.. your husband's headed there too.

Your right about my instincts they are telling me to negotiate with him and to do it in the nicest way possible so I don't upset him. Why do I fall back into that mindset every few days of me not wanting to rock the boat. I'm going to do what you said Allen, and move in when he is out of town for those 4 days, and when he comes home, tell him I'm staying in the house and keeping it for me and the kids.

You fall back on that mindset because of years of marriage have taught you to handle him this way. During an affair and after a divorce even spouses need to change their negotiating mindset. They need to STOP trusting their spouse until their spouse proves to be reliable. Your husband right now is NOT reliable in teh contest of his marriage or as a parent.

You need to handle him as an addict who is threatening your children. It's time for you to be a mother instead of a wife.

I talked with his sister this morning. She and her H have wanted to talk to my H about our M. I talked with them 2 Saturday's ago, and they are very marriage-friendly and wanted to help me out. However, they have both texted and left messages for my H and he has not replied to them at all. He is alienating himself from everyone; family and friends.

They can try to talk with him, but unless they are prepared to set some boundaries and have some consequences ready for him he's not likely going to be threatened ... you can't negotiate with an addict... He's lying and turning his children away so h can have a night free... He's openly challenged the welfare of his own children in favour of what HE wants... He's threatening to break up a family so HE can pursue a woman who is threatening his family... he is terribly deluded right now. I don't see talk getting very far.

What are they prepared to do if he won't cooperate with them? How FAR are they willing to take thier willingness to help?

Are they willing to confront OW? Are they willing to shut your H out of their lives?

Are they willing to campaign right alongside you for this affair to end to protect your children from him and his affair?

VERY tough questions I know. But addicts push boundaries and your limits, that's how they get away with everything they do. They act out of character, SHOCK people to the point they don't know how to handle him. Eventually he's completely out of control and he won't cooperate with anyone until they put consequences on him that will get him back to reality.

If he finds out his whole family are going to shut him out of thier lives, THAT may wake him up a bit.. consequences = reality.

If your support team can find some consequences for him that they are willing to follow through with then its a good fight to take to him.

If they are just going to talk and back down if he challenges him they are going to be very shocked. Let them TRY so they can SEE, but you may want to prepare them and let them know this is an addiction if you think they would understand it.

Your support team here needs to know that he's going to lie, pout, threaten, avoid, and excuse himself at every chance he's given.

Interventions bypass this by simply stating the consequences if he refuses to cooperate and they leave it to him to agree and be a family member again OR, he's OUT of the family and on his own ...

There's a good TV show on each week called Intervention. Its definitely worth watching so you can see how bad addicts get... you will notice a lot of the behaviour.. and you also get to see how they turn the addict around AND the HUGE difference in character when they are through the withdrawal