flowmom | need to commit to myself

[mindfull]

- went for a run (and managed not to cry)

Flo - I feel ya on this one!!! I ALMOST got home today after 3 miles, and sure enough, tears streaming down. It's enough to tick ya off and dry right up!!!

Help me here... what's chanting!!!

And, 25lbs in 3months??? Are you trying? From the looks of things, I can't imagine you needing 25 gone!

[flowmom]

rr: Sister, BIL, and nephew came over this morning. I made an effort to talk with BIL about his work stress, which has been hard on their family lately. I think it was meaningful to him.

In the "personal victory" department, BIL said it seems like I'm doing great. I guess I'm pulling off faking it until I make it .

It's been a really tough parenting day though.

[flowmom]

(((MF)))

Help me here... what's chanting!!!

It's a buddhist meditation practice where you repeat a chant. My sister does this practice and suggested it for me. It does help me with focus in meditation.

And, 25lbs in 3months??? Are you trying? From the looks of things, I can't imagine you needing 25 gone!

I was carrying extra pounds but now I'm almost at my most attractive weight. Most of my weight loss has been due to LBS stress, but I'll give myself some credit for calorie counting and eating really healthy since the separation as well.

[ImprovedRomeo]

{{MF}}, tears? why? something new happened? I gotta check out your thread.

FM, tough parenting day? you too? I can also relate to your weight loss from the stress. Last time when the sh*t hit the fan I lost almost 20lbs in a month and I'm on the slender side. I was almost 25lbs underweight for my height. I just did't feel hungry and had to force myself to eat.

Eating healthy sounds awesome something I'd love to do. Do you cook at home mostly? I skip breakfast, eat a big lunch outside (fast food mostly) and the dinner is whatever I can throw together (or cook for DD) - not the best eating routine.

[flowmom]

SR, I cook and eat at home mostly. I usually love to cook complicated stuff, but lately it's been simple, simple, simple. Fruit, salads, tons of veggies, meat, fish, eggs, milk, cheese. I'm 180ing from H's vegan diet

[flowmom]

I'm normally a person who lives in the present, the past feels separate...not a place I go to. Yesterday I spent hours listening to music and reliving being sixteen. Bizarre. My adult persona is a shell that is cracking off and leaving me facing the world with a fresh and vulnerable face.

[flowmom]

Today I feel done with caring about what H thinks about me. I was a whole human being before I met him, and I still am. I was intelligent, sexy, warm, adventurous...and nothing has changed about me. I f---- up a lot of things in our M and nothing I can do can change that. H is right, our M was over years ago because he wasn't in it.

I thought I could DB for a year, or more, but now I'm not sure. It's been almost three months since the separation, but I've been pursuing him for years. The devastation of abandonment is still with me, but I also see that he is the one who is broken. Love is a choice and he chose not to love me.

I'm going to have to deal with my agony about my children and what this is doing them. How can I forgive myself?

[ImprovedRomeo]

{{FM}}

I could've wrote that word for word myself. The children are what makes this so hard. How can you forgive yourself? for what? like you said he's the one who wasn't in it, you've tried. Sure everyone f's up because we're not perfect but nothing justifies abandoning the family without trying (or trying half-heartedly). They're selfish and I think it takes a certain kind to be them.

Have you been reading the Abandonment book? what chapter are you on now? I flipped through it this weekend, some good stories/analogies.

[idontunderstand]

(((flow)))

Stay strong! I understand, especially about the kids. I am scared to death what a D would do to my kids. We have realized the mistakes we made and are working to make ourselves better people. We did not abandon our family, we are actively working to keep the family together. Our spouses are the ones who have stopped working and trying. We can't control them. You have nothing to forgive yourself for.

I can't fully understand what it's like for you since you are physically seperated. My W and I are still under the same roof and, therefore, so are my kids. My W hasn't really been there for quite a while, you know? Would I loose all of my resolve if she were to leave? Probably for a while, but I am working on myself and, again, can't control what she does.

You have been so strong for so long!! You can keep this up for as long as you need to! Isn't the roller coaster great!

[courageous wife]

[I was a whole human being before I met him, and I still am. I was intelligent, sexy, warm, adventurous...and nothing has changed about me. I f---- up a lot of things in our M and nothing I can do can change that.]

You are still a whole human being and you WILL get your groove back!!!

[I also see that he is the one who is broken. Love is a choice and he chose not to love me.]

That's right...he has made the choice for now. People don't make good choices when they are hurting or depressed and that is why you have to work on yourself so that YOU will make good choices!!!

[How can I forgive myself?]

I, too, struggle with this but I feel that as we make our changes and become stronger, more confident and find ourselves, we will find that forgiveness within ourselves.

FM-I think you and I are on the same roller coaster ride but you must be a couple of seats behind me becuase I had the same feelings you did a couple of days ago...working my way back up!!! You have been so strong and posted really great things to a lot of people on here! You just need to believe them for yourself!!!