New Year brings exciting news

[ACJ]

Kat I have done exactly as you suggest several times. One of two things happens:

1) He ignore my messages and stays out all night and I haven't got a clue where he is or who is with which worries the hell out of me.

2) He comes home, the door is locked, the keys are left in the door so he can't put his in (no bolts) and so he rings D14 on her phone to get her to let him in.

After the convo I had with him yesterday morning he is a VERY troubled young man and whilst I agree whole heartedly that he has to learn some respect I am also very worried that if I push him too far he will do something stupid and I couldn't live with myself if that happened.

One thing I realised today is ths S17 has never had to face the cnosequences of his own actins as either XH or I have always been there to bail him out. So from today I am trying tough love. He didn't get up for ocllege today. I reminded him twice what the time was. He ignored me. So after the second time I calmly told him that I was going to work and that in future I expected him to set his alarm, get up and get himself to college. If he doens't do this I will not be reminding him again. If he gets asked to leave college it will be of his own making and then maybe he will start to realise that I've only been trying to help him all along.

[kat727]

Yes, time for him to start feeling those things. When my S17 had his teenage switch click on this past spring to the tune of a $500 cell phone bill, I told him that he was going to have to pay me back. this was money for the family, for food, clothes, bills and I just didn't have a bunch extra laying around. Thankfully I had been able to start saving again(as I had just filed bankruptcy)and had enough to cover it.

He agreed that it was irresponsible of him knowing that I didn't have unlimited texting. We got it all worked out and he paid me back in full. For every action there is a reaction!

kat

[ACJ]

S17 and I had another long heart to heart last night. I actually laid things on the line for him in terms of his future. I told him how worried I was about him and said that if other people had told me exactly what he had told me on Monday morning I would be worried so the fact that he is my son makes it even worse.

We talked about his GF and also some other females that would like to be his GF! We talked about the 'hanger-on' in his life and I told him that he had to disassociate himself from them in order to build a good life. I used D19 as an example. When she was younger, just before XH left, she got in with a crowd who were all using weed.. Thankfully she realised it was doing her harm and without any prompting she quite literally broke all ties with all of those young people. That was very tough for her as they had all been friends for a very long time but obviously she chose the right path.

In the past S17 would have started to shout and tell me that I was trying to contorl his life etc and that I was just bitter about his dad (incidentally I never even mentioned him) but last night he listened and I could tell he was genuinely listening b/c he wanted to. He promised me he would consider all that I had said and I think he will do that.

Tonight he is out with his GF. They have both spent the alst two evenings with me. I have asked him to be in by a certain time as he has colege tomorrow. It remains to be seen whether he respects my wishes.

[MaMaMo]

Explain to him that REAL FRIENDS would want you to do well, they will never encourage you to do drugs, skip school, act a fool and not listen to your parents.

[Andabelle]

You can bet his dad isn't having these conversations with him. Maybe he's finally beginning to appreciate that you're the only one with his best interests in mind.

[ACJ]

To be fair to XH Andabelle I know XH is having convos with S17 about not going to college but I doubt he is digging real deep like I am.

Today I've become very exasperated with S17. He came home on time last night . We discussed what time he would need to catch the bus etc and I even said if he was ready in time I would give him a lift as it's on my way. Did he get up in time? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Did he go to college? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. So I decided to take matters into my own hands. I rang the college and asked to speak to his tutor. He had to ring me back as he was teaching at first. I've never before been glad that S17's bday in in mid August but today I was b/c if he had been 18 they wold have needed his permission to speak to me! Anyway it seems S17s attendance record is worse than I thought. They expect themto have a minimum of 90%. S17 has a score of 68%

His tutor has sent a letter home but it never got there b/c S17 hasn't updated his address since XH moved before Christmas. He has also been txting him for days trying to get him to handover some information htat the tuor needs tbefore he can submit him for exams in the summer. He hasn't replied to any of them! S17 doesn't know about this convo yet as he has gone to work and had left before I got home.

I I have no updated Xhs address and also given mine and asked for info to be duplicated so that at least one of use will do somoething about it. The tutor was v. grateful for this.

I decided to let XH know what I had done and sent hm a txt saying I needed to SPEAK to him about S17s college and asked him to ring me this eve. I said if I din't hear form him I would deal with by myself. I'm past pussyfooting around him after last week. Anyway he rang back virtually straight away which wasn't realy what I wanted cos I was sill at work but I was just glad he had done as I asked and told him what was going on. He started to tell me that I should take S17 like he had done but I told him that it sounded like that even when he had done S17 still was not staying in the building. His tone changed immediately. By the time I had finished he was telling me how grateful he was for filling in him. It was a bit cheesy to be honest but I guess he feels he has to be nice to me at the moment b/c if S17 doesn't go back there he looses the equiv of a third of his mortgage payments! It did feel nice that he was at least pretending to be nice for a change.

When I discovered that S17 hadn't gone to college today I rang him (before I rang tutor) and asked him why. He just said b/c.......... I asked him if he was going to sign on at the dole office and he went extremely quiet. I'm hoping that may have had some effect.

I'm sure a puppy would have been far easier

[BeingMe]

I so empathize with you about teens. I have had my fair share of issues with my 4 children.

WARNING! I have found that when I hit on something, like registering for the dole, and they go quiet .... you can bet, it was at least a consideration. Quiet = you've hit the spot, and they hope if they keep still you will go onto something else. In my children's case, anyway.

Good for you, contacting the college. Just realize that you have very limited control over what S17 does. So you have to play it really cool. IMHO.

Take care.

[ACJ]

Thanks for the warning BM. I'm under no illusion with S17. He has hoodwinked me waaaaaaaaaaaay to many times before. I'm not letting this drop. He doesn't have to continue with college if he really doesn't like it BUT he can't do nothing.

He didn't go to college again yesterday. I had a day off using up annual leave before the end of the financial year. I asked him to come for a walk in the local park with me. I once read that if you want to get through to men (albeit young ones) you should walk and talk at the same time as they find it less threatening. It seemed to work as I was able to carry on the convos we've been having recently without him kicking off. I treated him to a coffee and a bun and it cost me an arm and a leg!

He was working again last nightr and even though I had an evening out myself I still planned to pick him up. I was driving anyway so it didn't spoil my night. The timings ended up working really well so I didn't end up waiting hours for him like I have done in the past.

Today it is XHs birthday. D14 accepted a card I had made to give to him as she realised it saved her some money. I hadn't made it specifically for him. I've been making a few cards and selling them at work for charity so it was one of those that just fitted the bill. D14 is having lunch with XH and OW + baby siter. S17 is at work but plans to go later to see hs dad. He has told me that for today at least he does not intend going back to stay with XH. D19 just rang to ascertain if it was XHs bday. She was torn between sending a txt and ringing him just to be civil. Sad but a sign of how she really feels about him.

[ACJ]

S17 is still here. It's looking pretty much like he is giving up college completely if only because they have pretty much told him that if he doesn't give them information that they need to submit him for the exams in the summer he will no longer have a place anyway. He clearly isn't happy there. I've tried to point out that finishing something looks better than just dropping out but I think it's too late for that reflection for him. It did however lead to a very positive convo about what he is going to do.

To be fair to S17 he has changed a lot although he is still staying out really late far too often. However, I've had no violent outbursts (which is why I sent him to his dad's in the first place) even when I have had to raise my voice to him. For the last couple of days I have quite literally left him a page of jobs to do whilst I've been at work to show him that he cannot just sit around the house and do nothing. I expected to get an argument and didn't. He hasn't done all of the jobs and has only done selected parts of some but he has at least attempted most and done a good job. Today in particular I expected to come home from uni to find him having left me a message saying he had gone back to XHs. That didn't happen

I'd made it quite clear on the list I left for him last night that today we WOULD be having a 'make your mind up time' convo (hence why I expected him to be gone). We had that convo and whilst he got a bit agitated to begin with once I was able to show him that all I want is to help and guide him he settled down. He has set himself a target of going out tomorrow to get some more information on a couple of careers he might be interested in. He came up with the iede of where he could get information from himself and I naturally applauded and encouraged that.

Here is the irony..............
Yesterday S17 passed his theory part of his driving test (just). He hasn't had any communicatino with his dad since he left to come here but b/c he was proud of himself he let XH know by text that he had passed. XH sent congrats. HOWEVER, today when we were having our convo (as descrived above) he simultaneously got a txt from XH asking him what he was going to do. B/c our convo was at a high point in a positve way at the time S17 did not reply. 5 mins later he got another txt asking specifically which day he would be coming home and again S17 did not reply b/c we were researching the pay for one of his career ideas. A third txt came in fairly swiftly that just 'So?'. S17 was very diplomatic and just replied that he had not made any decisions about anything yet (which was the truth). Then came the shocker. He got an immediate reply to say that he had to make a decision soon, that he was old enough to do that now. He went on to say that rules and boundaries could not be broken and existed in all parts of life. XHs finest hour yet was to finish this txt message with telling S17 that if he chose to stay here he could never change his mind and go back!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I'm sure you don't need me to tel yuo that S17 is really upset right now. Neither of us can believe that XH would put that in a txt message. S17s GF thinks OW will have had influcence over this abut whilst I know OW is V controlling I was shocked that XH would let her dictate his relationship with his own children in this way. For my part I was amazed that he sent the txt b/c if S17 does stay here he looses out on about £300 a month which will be about a third to half of his monthly mortgage payments.

Despite this S17 is yet to make a definiteve decison but has sid that for the immediate future he wants to stay here. I've told him that I am happy with this but that I can only afford to pay XH for nothing for a maximum of another two weeks and explained that it's not b/c I don't want to pay my way for my child but that by paying XH when S17 has not been there for so long and also me feeding etc S17 myself it is not financieally viable or fair on his siblings b/c money that I am effectively giving away to XH could be spent more effectively on them (and S17 of course).

So, that's my update. I suspect the next week or so are going to be a bit rocky in terms of having to liaise with XH but I'm prepared for that.

[kat727]

Wow! What a piece of work he is!! Good for you for being supportive and putting down some expectations for S17. This stuff with the kids is never easy. I hope that S17 continues to explore his options and is able to find a good fit for himself.

Hope all else is going well. Hugs, kat