Sorry you are here but you will get a lot of help from the folks on this forum.
IMHO, your W is moving very fast with your marital assets, taking the cash, asking for you to refi. If I were in your shoes, I would delay any major financial moves until you have a better understanding of your situation and better control over emotions. Make sure your interests are protected!
As far as you W leaving, I know it is a hard thing to consider but have you explored the possibilty of another person being in the picture? I do see a few red flags in your sitch. If there is, it will mean that your DB strategy will need to be different.
Give us a little more info and the vets will be around soon
