Maybe I should just do it by email? My problem, is when I get something in my head I want to get it out as soon as possible. But I'm learning to be patient. However, I would also like to move back into my house as soon as possible.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
I wouldn't ASK him if he's away for four days I would move in while he's gone!
Don't ask.. dont' even tell him you are moving back in
After you have moved in tell him something like :
"I am moving back in for our children. I am mortified as it is that you are threatening divorce on the stability of this family, the last thing I want to do is have them house-hopping too. I dont' want to be here... It is pretty clear you had a woman here as well... But our children need a HOME even if you don't care, I DO."
I would also tell him that since he took the house and shipped the kids ELSEWHERE while he used the house just for HIMSELF that you cant trust him to use it as a responsible parent.
STill working on the second part on how to phrase it.
Notice I am steering everything in the context of parenting and child care/stability... if he argues with that it just exposes him as a bad father.. and in my opinion any man who hurts thier children's motehr is a bad father.
I woudl'nt wait to get his say so, I would move in while he's gone.. once his stuff is out of the house and yoru sis there he can't argue much.
And ya, learn patience... dont' give him ANY warning... it won't help your case.
Thanks Allen, that is how I was leaning towards handling it. But then I started second guessing myself and wondering if I should talk to him this week about it or maybe even email him today. He won't be gone until the weekend of April 9th, so it will be a couple more weeks before I can do that.
He won't be home until that following Monday April 12th. And I guess when he comes home, that is when I will tell him I've decided what is best for me and the kids is for me to try to keep the house.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Patience is not only your best friend, its an absolute necessity.
It is also, in my opinion, the fault the OW has in abundance in most affairs.
The OW can't wait for the WS to resolve their marital conflicts, can't wait for a divorce, in some cases the OW can't even wait til teh OM has left the marital home or bed... they are SO IMPATIENT they charge RIGHT INTO an affair head on with the WS and run roughshod over anyone else that is holding them back...
OW doens't sound like the most patient woman does she? And I haven't even met her. lol
You need patience, if nothing else, to avoid becoming the OW. Dignity comes from patience and good composure, not from hurrying and excitement... tha'ts the OW's bad habit.. let her keep those to herself.
He won't be home until that following Monday April 12th. And I guess when he comes home, that is when I will tell him I've decided what is best for me and the kids is for me to try to keep the house.
I really don't see why you want to warn him. Your instincts keep telling you to try and negotiate with him.
He has made it clear that his kids don't matter and only him and his affair matter to him right now.
You can't negotiate with an addict, they don't play fair, they lie, cheat, and steal to get what they want and they will run and hide and leave you to deal with the consequences.
He won't LIKE it, but if you leave it to him he puts the kids second... if i read right on his weekend to watch them at your place he just pawned them off on someone else so he could have the place child-free... Does that sound like someone who is a responsible parent you should be negotiating with?
He didn't even TELL you he was sending them elsewhere did he?
It was my first weekend with the kids since I've been out of the hospital. I didn't want to get overwhelmed, so instead of taking the kids both Friday and Saturday night, I asked my H if he was ok with me taking them Saturday night. He said that was fine. However, I did tell him that if he made plans for Friday night, to please let me know and I would take them Friday night too. I think that is one reason why he lied to me about our 6 year S being home Friday night, then I find out from the kids that nope my S stayed the night at his grandmas.
Your right about my instincts they are telling me to negotiate with him and to do it in the nicest way possible so I don't upset him. Why do I fall back into that mindset every few days of me not wanting to rock the boat. I'm going to do what you said Allen, and move in when he is out of town for those 4 days, and when he comes home, tell him I'm staying in the house and keeping it for me and the kids.
I talked with his sister this morning. She and her H have wanted to talk to my H about our M. I talked with them 2 Saturday's ago, and they are very marriage-friendly and wanted to help me out. However, they have both texted and left messages for my H and he has not replied to them at all. He is alienating himself from everyone; family and friends.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
It was my first weekend with the kids since I've been out of the hospital. I didn't want to get overwhelmed, so instead of taking the kids both Friday and Saturday night, I asked my H if he was ok with me taking them Saturday night. He said that was fine. However, I did tell him that if he made plans for Friday night, to please let me know and I would take them Friday night too. I think that is one reason why he lied to me about our 6 year S being home Friday night, then I find out from the kids that nope my S stayed the night at his grandmas.
OK, I did read that right then... He's neglecting his parental responsabilities now as well as his marital ones... He's getting worse.. if you read another thread here one H actually got drunk at their friend's party and threw up all over the place... He has completely lost control.. your husband's headed there too.
Originally Posted By: mb28
Your right about my instincts they are telling me to negotiate with him and to do it in the nicest way possible so I don't upset him. Why do I fall back into that mindset every few days of me not wanting to rock the boat. I'm going to do what you said Allen, and move in when he is out of town for those 4 days, and when he comes home, tell him I'm staying in the house and keeping it for me and the kids.
You fall back on that mindset because of years of marriage have taught you to handle him this way. During an affair and after a divorce even spouses need to change their negotiating mindset. They need to STOP trusting their spouse until their spouse proves to be reliable. Your husband right now is NOT reliable in teh contest of his marriage or as a parent.
You need to handle him as an addict who is threatening your children. It's time for you to be a mother instead of a wife.
Originally Posted By: mb28
I talked with his sister this morning. She and her H have wanted to talk to my H about our M. I talked with them 2 Saturday's ago, and they are very marriage-friendly and wanted to help me out. However, they have both texted and left messages for my H and he has not replied to them at all. He is alienating himself from everyone; family and friends.
They can try to talk with him, but unless they are prepared to set some boundaries and have some consequences ready for him he's not likely going to be threatened ... you can't negotiate with an addict... He's lying and turning his children away so h can have a night free... He's openly challenged the welfare of his own children in favour of what HE wants... He's threatening to break up a family so HE can pursue a woman who is threatening his family... he is terribly deluded right now. I don't see talk getting very far.
What are they prepared to do if he won't cooperate with them? How FAR are they willing to take thier willingness to help?
Are they willing to confront OW? Are they willing to shut your H out of their lives?
Are they willing to campaign right alongside you for this affair to end to protect your children from him and his affair?
VERY tough questions I know. But addicts push boundaries and your limits, that's how they get away with everything they do. They act out of character, SHOCK people to the point they don't know how to handle him. Eventually he's completely out of control and he won't cooperate with anyone until they put consequences on him that will get him back to reality.
If he finds out his whole family are going to shut him out of thier lives, THAT may wake him up a bit.. consequences = reality.
If your support team can find some consequences for him that they are willing to follow through with then its a good fight to take to him.
If they are just going to talk and back down if he challenges him they are going to be very shocked. Let them TRY so they can SEE, but you may want to prepare them and let them know this is an addiction if you think they would understand it.
Your support team here needs to know that he's going to lie, pout, threaten, avoid, and excuse himself at every chance he's given.
Interventions bypass this by simply stating the consequences if he refuses to cooperate and they leave it to him to agree and be a family member again OR, he's OUT of the family and on his own ...
There's a good TV show on each week called Intervention. Its definitely worth watching so you can see how bad addicts get... you will notice a lot of the behaviour.. and you also get to see how they turn the addict around AND the HUGE difference in character when they are through the withdrawal
Your so right, he is neglecting his kids. And yes he is an addict, and most of his family supports me. I wouldn't say they would go as far as shutting him out, but all of them (except his dad) has said that he better not bring this OW around the family. The sister I mentioned above is convinced he is having affair, and we talked about him lying about everything. So they expect him to lie to them too. However, they do want to tell him how bad he is hurting me and the kids and the rest of his family, etc. But like I mentioned he won't even return their phone calls right now. He is distancing himself from all family and friends because of his guilt. He know's that everyone does think he is having an affair.
Together 16 years Married 12 years Me 36 H 34 D9 & S6 Separated 12/3/09 Confirmed A 1/25/10 Exposed A 1/26/10 H hired L, but not filed yet 1/27/10
Yup, your H is headed for broke soon.. this is GOOD
THe more people he shuts out the more support YOU have and the worse HE looks
Your family doens't have to threaten to shut him out. They just have to tell him
"OW will NEVER be accepted into this famly... she will NEVER be welcome in any of our homes..."
THAT alone is enough of a threat for him to realize his future with this woman is with her or with his family.. they are forcing hiim to choose... as long as they are CLEAR on that and do'nt pad it at all like
"I dont think I want her around here right now"
THAT is not a consequence, its just padding and warning.. its not going to scare him
If they are FIRM with him and there are permanent consequences that he will NOT LIKE at ALL, it will hit home.
This is good.. the worse he gets the more support YOU get and that means the more PRESSURE that's on HIM
Your so right, he is neglecting his kids. And yes he is an addict, and most of his family supports me....
But like I mentioned he won't even return their phone calls right now. He is distancing himself from all family and friends because of his guilt. He know's that everyone does think he is having an affair.
He's headed for nowhere, I think you can see that now. You can likley already see the ending of the mess he's created.. its just hard to tell when exactly it will end .. But it will...
He's likley to get even worse before he gets better, he's really addicted to this fantasy... If everyone else can see it he's in bad shape. I suspect his workplace performance is suffering too.. he may even lose his job before this ends.... It's happening with 4luv... Its very hard for someone acting like such a child to keep up appearances forever..
You need to keep an eye on yoru kids. Ask Puppy, his wife took off for an afternoon and left her kids there alone, with NO FOOD or supervision at all. Addictions don't just make you a bad husband and wife, they make you a bad parent.
Make sure your family and his family know about every infraction he does to neglect his kids.
I had read in one article a while back, it may have been a video, but the husband who had an affair eventually admitted :
"If I had put half as much effort into my kids and my wife instead of working to hide my affair, I would still be married right now... And a lot happier"
Every minute he puts into his affair is a minute he robs his kids of a father. Be sure to expose everything he does.. not a tawdry way, just make sure they are aware that he's dangerous to the kids.
