Hello,

I'm going to need you guys to coach me through my sitch, because I have learned that I have already responded poorly to my WAW.

My sitch:

We both work in the same field. I work local in a traditional setting for my field in the evenings. W works for a equipment vendor for our work and is usually on the road through the week. I have changed jobs several times in the last 4 years trying new opprtunities some of which did not work for me. Over time communication has broken down and our weekends have been spent mostly watching TV, resting, chores, and occasionally our own individual things. Things like dating, adventure, visiting or hosting friends and family have fallen by the wayside. We have been living to work instead of working to live. I think resentment towards each other for not having enough fun has set in for both of us.

Last summer one day when we woke up on Saturday, W asked if I loved her, did I have a GF, said I need to do better and that she was important and did I wonder what I would be like if she were not around. I felt ambushed,was at a loss of words and stupidly said that she cannot expect things to be like they were when we were dating. At the time I was desparately trying to make a work situation turn around, so I was stressed and a bit down on myself.

A few weeks later, I gave up some responsibilities at work and took a non-leadership position. I felt disappointed but relieved. I felt I could now take more time off with W and improve things. She was very hurt by what I had said and stopped nagging, started planning things with a friend or her mom without me. We were not communicating effectively. During the holidays I felt the bomb could come any day. I did not know how to stop it or if I even wanted the M anymore. The end of January she asked why was I married to her, we were more roommates than H/W. She said she doesn't think we can fix it. I felt strangely relieved as our relationship has not been what it should be for several years. She went out of town for work that Monday morning and told me to decide if I wanted the house or the money.

I felt OK at first, not held back, grass is greener, etc. Then this terrible sadness overcame me. I did not want to start over, hang out in bars, chase women etc. I wanted a better relationship with my W. To have a child with her soon, more time together, etc. I called her Tuesday stated my case that is was work situations and communication that got us here and it can fixed. She said she doesn't believe I love her as I don't show or tell her enough and I was OK when she set off the bomb. She said she had to think about it. That Friday she came home and said we both need a new start and told me I should stay in the house for my job and relatives were near. She was going out of state to be with parents, until she knew where she wanted to move, (nothing for her here anymore).

For the few weekends she was packing things, arranging transfer of utiliies etc. She took most our cash and wants me to refi to pay out the rest of her share and make the payments managable for me alone.

Of course I have tried to reason, cried, pleaded, offered MC, been nice, ILY's,tried to go places with her, mope around, and hung around the house while she packed hoping my presence would somehow dissuade her. She has been generally nice, except tmy above behavoirs would sometimes make her angry especially talking about the M.

She has been gone since four weeks. She came by a week and a half later briefly to get a few things and get her haircut. That was strange as the items were not important, and she will have to start getting haircuts near her parents several hundred miles away. I was nice and tried to be nonpushy. I did hug her bye.

I tried to call last Sunday and got voicemail. She called me back the next morning and we talked briefly. I told her the weekenends were especially hard, because that was our time. We raraely saw each other durung the week anyway.

I have not tried to call this past weekend although I miss her terribly.

Any advice? Do I need to proceed with the refi although it will cost a bit of money? I keep putting it off in hopes of turning her around. Shall I go ahead and make plans to refurnish the house? She took most the furniture to her parents' house.

Thanks.


H 39, W 34
T 10, M6
no children
bomb 1/31
S 3/2