W officially in R w/ OM-

[Piano]

Great post, Truegritter. Thanks for stopping by my thread if you get time...
Jasper, nights are also better for me..I've done all I can do, used up all my energy.. Mornings are hardest.

[rysmom]

Hi Jasper67,
I know how you feel. at different times of the day I have so many ups and downs. It enjoy the mornings I go out early with my labrador to the park and we run for 3 miles. I look forward to this part of my day. I am also taking an anatomy and phys. class now but sometimes it is difficult to focus.
Hope you are doing okay. Going to the gym probably would make you feel better.

[jasper67]

Thanks Truegrit- I will likely move my thread over to MLC as at this point I think that's the best category for me...

I love your advice, ironically though your GAL-ing crushes me...my W started her horse business 2 years ago and took maybe 3 days off in 2 years...

I would have loved to have learned to ride...when I started showing true interest it was too late- and the excuses from WAW were hysterical : "I'm too busy." "I dont have a horse that can carry you (I weigh 187)" etc...the real reason was that OM1 was there and it would just be uncomfortable...

I get your point though and I do want to do something like a triathalon...I'm also waiting for more consistant weather so I can start swimming again.

I def own my part and failings- perhaps a bit too much. W believed it was a loveless M- I disagree, she was busy w/ her business and I failed to be a part of it.

The only thing that murders me on a daily basis is not having that chance to be sure that if those issues were addressed, would we have a great M?

This will be my last post here, I'll join you over in MLC.

Thanks all, have a great day

[chatterbug]

My friend a post for ya

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1969342#Post1969342

[jasper67]

CB Loved the reading-

I decided to just keep this thread going until they have me shut it down...

NC 8 days- W called yesterday morning, did not answer nor return...no message left.

Not really GALing that much during the week...taking my dog to the canal and reading mostly.

Have been saying prayers for a wayward spouse...Hosea's prayer. I figure praying and going about my life are all I can do while in NC.

No sign of W having filed yet, nor have I- nor am I inclinded to do so at this point in time.

Trying to figure out some long term goals not related to my sitch, still looking for a roomate to help at the house...considered a girl from home who wants to move here...but I want the D to be well in route or finalized before I consider walking that tightrope (percieved OW).

My sitch has been so dramatic, I doubt it will stop here- last thing I would need is an OW, and possibly have W come around out of her fog...perhaps wishful thinking...

NC feels pretty good, but I know W is having all her needs met by OM- I suppose most of her needs have been met by OM1 or OM2 for the last 6 months.

Funny a few weeks back W justified her A w/ "my needs haven't been met in a long time..."

Well- I am meeting my needs, and those I cannot meet are just going unmet for the time being...no need to run outside the M
(for now)

I know it says no matter how hopeless it seems, not to give up...I am not clinging on to hope- but I believe so much in M and in this M and in my love for W...I wonder if I am still delusional...but it feel authentic.

I look back and our R was very boring b/c we were sober for so long...I wouldn't say we were rigid but we def. had inhibitions...I think back to the first night W drank- what if I had also...my lowered inihibitions would have allowed me to relate honestly w/ her- we would have been more fluid together...

How can she ever compare our R to her current lifestyle? Exotic, late hours, bars, clubs, drunken passionate sex, etc?

Our sex would have been much better had we both been drinking...I know we would have laughed more, not been so serious about things all the time...

Just another example of a LBS picking apart the M looking for answers and what-ifs...STOP

I am happy living the way I do, and I dont need alcohol to relate to anyone better...if W needed alcohol to feel more comfortable and to lower her inhibitions to where she can laugh and have fun, then there is something wrong deep w/in her.

Please pray for my M and for my WW

[ericmsant2]

Jasper

NC 8 days- W called yesterday morning, did not answer nor return...no message left.

This is good. Remember you are distanting to protect YOU. Right now you need to just focus on living for YOU.

Not really GALing that much during the week.

What no movies Everytime I check your thread your going to movies Just kidding buddy...just kidding...

Have been saying prayers for a wayward spouse

Keep doing that buddy and as a matter a fact throw one out for me. Trust me I need it.

My sitch has been so dramatic, I doubt it will stop here- last thing I would need is an OW,

Yep I think you do not need that right now.

perhaps wishful thinking

Or you could call this HOPE. You should always have hope just remember that you do not control what someone else feels or does but you can control how you deal with it. Personally, I think you should keep having hope - hey ya never know.

but I know W is having all her needs met by OM- I suppose most of her needs have been met by OM1 or OM2 for the last 6 months.

Please try to stop thinking about this. You are only hurting yourself. Take the energy applied to these thoughts and think about those long term goals. Maybe a few of them should be....

1) Learn to wake up and not think about her.
2) form one new friendship
3) Get in the habit of saying one positive thing to someone every day

W justified her A

People always justify thier actions - as long as you are true to yourself you will be fine. Ignore her justifications, realize that she is going to continue to do this until she looks at herself and only she can do that. As you know that is why you detach - cause you cannot make her do something that she does not want to do...but you can continue to look at yourself and make those changes in you that you would like to see. For example...I was a jealous latin guy - one of my changes is to look at WHY I was jealous and then deal with. It is a process buddy but I do believe what everyone says to us..we will be BETTER men because of this. Just know that.

I wonder if I am still delusional.

Your not delusional. You love this women and you are now realizing where you are. This is normal. You are probably going thru a host of emotions (I know I am)...do not run from them but at the same token do not project your anger at her...feel the feeling that you have...learn from them...let them make you better...let them show you who YOU are. Ya know, I can see in your post just how much you love this women - take some pride in that buddy. You are a stand up guy.

I look back and our R was very boring b/c we were sober for so long...I wouldn't say we were rigid but we def. had inhibitions...I think back to the first night W drank- what if I had also...my lowered inihibitions would have allowed me to relate honestly w/ her- we would have been more fluid together...

But is that the person that you wanted to be? Is that really the person that you want to be with. You know sometime we need to look at why we are standing - why we are willing to change everything about ourself to keep someone. Is this fear? Is this some form of insecurity in you? Or could it be unconditional love? Who knows - but IMO if you search deep inside yourself you will find the answer.

Our sex would have been much better had we both been drinking

Sorry dude but I totally disagree. My best friend is divorced partly because his W was an alcholic. The only time that they had sex was when both were hammered. Is this what you want? I would gather that what you really wanted was a partner that respected you and that you respected...one that would be open and honest with you about how they felt...one that connected with you on an emotional, physical and spiritual level. The booze would have only masked the true issue at hand. So maybe if you really keep looking at yourself and becoming the man that you really want to be, your W or someone else for the matter will be the connection that you want.

How can she ever compare our R to her current lifestyle?

She can't compare the two - what make the club hoping and drinking better? You know I've felt this myself...how can my W really compare our M to the new R with OM? We'll the reality is that I (or maybe that is "we" as in me and you) must find our own happiness and not rely on someone else to provide this. Maybe our happiness does not lie in a bar...maybe our happiness is something else that we need to find. I bet, if we really look at ourselves we will find that happiness and that happiness will ooze from our bodies and attract what we really need. Just a thought....just a thought...

Just another example of a LBS picking apart the M looking for answers and what-ifs...STOP

yes please stop.

Finally, let's pray for each other (add Wild and others on this board to the mix). You are good guy Jasper. Know this. Know that this will pass, know that you will survive know that the time you have right now is for you. Know that this time is priceless.

God Bless,
Eric

[jasper67]

I know what you're saying- the alcohol though would have taken some of the edge off...I know we both had resentments etc...anyway. NC still in effect...trying to GAL, not fully enjoying it.

Dad contacted me today, W has not paid her car bill or loan payment, he's livid...W is so irresponsible right now financially.

How can you keep this shirt up? I know in my addiction, when things got this bad, I never wanted to face them...I did though when I had no choice...

Difference is I HAD to respect my family at some point, W doesn't have that requirement...I guess I didn't either until I knew I had to.

Making dinner plans w/ a friend from work for Sat...not sure about tomorrow night yet.

Still praying...still not fully forgiving myself yet...always thinking of yet another failure...opportunity lost. Very frustrating.

It broke my heart to hear my dad so upset...I immediately thought of how responsible W and I used to be about bills, doctors, work etc...I hate watching her struggle.

Also my birth sister is in town this weekend, I have only met her once ten years ago...I'm gonna visit her on Sat. I am really upset b/c I would love for W to be there as well. I thought about breaking NC to inform W...but couldn't stand the expected reply : "have fun." or "good for you."

UGH- you know it's bad (or good) when you know what the WAS is going to say...lol

[Truegritter]

Jasper

I don't know if anyone posted this for you yet but you need to go here and if you have been there you need to go back:

This is the detach link:
http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

You are giving time in your head to way too many thoughts about W and what is going on with her. You cannot fix her. It is unhealthy for you to keep dwelling on this. You will be STUCK in PAIN until you realize what everyone has been telling you.

You need to focus on you and that doesn't mean focus on how much you miss W or what you could have done in your M. Your M is dead. Your old M anyway. You will not have a new one until you get yourself healthy and you can't do that until you detach. I know your dark but your thoughts are not.

Try a simple goal. When you wake up until noon tomorrow every time you think about W STOP yourself and think about something else no matter how many tinmes it happens. You have got to get yourself off these thoughts man!

The rest of the day let yourself think it if you want then try and go longer the next day. This is a lot easier if you are GALing and not sitting there staring at the ceiling which is why the advice to GAL.

I am woried about you man...there is nothing but heartache down this path you continue to go down.

[jasper67]

Thanks Trugrit- you are right about the rabbit hole of heartache...my day was pretty much OK till my dad informed me of W's not paying anything yet.

I do force myself to envision a STOP sign when I have intrusive thoughts of W...I've been reading about NC on other sites and how it's to rid ones self of the addiction...detaching.

They say real progress comes later down the road...at 30-45 days, so I'm getting there.

I did get a feeler text from W at 2am- hoping me and my dog were OK...

Today I finalize plans for GALing tonight and for tomorrow night...not sure about golf this weekend b/c of my birthsister being in town...

Thanks for checking in on me...

[jasper67]

tonight I GAL by having dinner w/ a friend and going to see Clash of the Titans (childhood favorite)...will not mention W or sitch once tonight- big 180 for me