How to get wife interested in counseling?

[atom1]

My wife left 1 year ago and filed for divorce, I see her on a regular basis because we have a 9 year old together and we attend the same church.

I talked to her about trying to save our marriage and she said she was worried it would go back to being the way it was before, this is the 3rd time she left, when she left before things would get better for awhile but the fights would start again.

I have learned quite a bit now, but she still is worried it will go back to the way it was before.

This is the second mariage for both of us, we have a 9 year old and we have been married 11 years.

I asked her about counseling and she said probably not.

I asked her if she wanted to go out to dinner and she said she didn't know, I asked her if that meant NO, she said it meant she didn't know.

saturday morning when I was meeting her to drop off our daughter we ended up having breakfast together and it was nice to be toghether for a short time, not sure if I am reading too much into it, but it seems like she had a good time too.

Just not sure how to get her interested in counseling or spending time with her, I have tried not talking to her, but that doesn't help, I think we need to communicate if things are going to get better.

[Wildaces81]

atom,

I wish I knew the answer to this too man. My wife is dead set against going to counciling. It is mind boggiling because she says she needs to "fix" herself and "work" on herself. To me that would mean getting a councilor and talking about your problems. But NOoOo i would be wrong. I don't know if it has to do with her back ground and being raised the way she was but I pray each and everyday that she will open her heart and see what she is truly doing to our D and S.

starting to realize that she is a pretty selfish person.

Aces

[atom1]

before she left we had a discussion about counseling, but it never happened, after she left I asked her about counseling and at one point she said she would go then changed her mind.

I set up an appointment with one of our church pastors but she wouldn't go.

Then I saw a marriage counselor for the 1st time, I had thought we had previously been to marriage counseling, but it wasn't until the Senior pastor at our church told me we previously were getting pastoral counseling, while my wife and I thought it was marriage counseling, it would have been nice if the distinction had been made sooner.

I have been to marriage counseling a few times by myself, and I am honestly willing to do whatever it takes to save my marriage, but I just don't know what to do.

I think my wife is making a major mistake and I am worried by the time she realizes it, I will be tired of waiting for her and not be interested in reconciliation, that is one reason why I have not given up on her so far.

Part of the problem is her father was not around much when she was growing up and that has caused some issues with her, and her father is on his 6th marriage and she has been taught to run away from problems or throw away a marriage instead of trying to make things better.

[atom1]

I noticed what you said about your wife being selfish.

Divorce is a selfish choice, many people will divorce because they think it will make them feel better, but it doesn't, it only adds new problems to the existing problems.

My wife now works full time when she didn't before and we split time with our daughter 50/50, she is now a part time Mother, i admit I was a part time father when we were together, but now I am more involved with our daughter and spend more time with her than my wife does.

I read a book reconcilable differances and it explains the cycles we go through, I have also read most of Gary Chapmans books and DB, they all say the same thing, people divorce for the wrong reason and most marriages can be saved.

[Wildaces81]

I agree with you, I believe that my marriage can be saved. I just wish she would think that way. lol. It is aggrivating. My wife is pretty much a part time mom. It is sad, but she doesn't seem to care and that is where i need to detach. I care that my kids aren't getting enough time with her but if she doesn't make the effort then oh well for her. It is her loss not mine.

[atom1]

Kids are more important to my wife than anything else, that is why I am surprised she is so willing to get divorced and spend less time with our daughter.

Sometimes people get their mind made up and there is nothing that can be done to change their way of thinking.

I was hoping someone had some ways that worked for them of getting their wife into counseling that could help us out.

[dburt]

Atom, would you put your sitch on the newcomers board, it you are more likely to get more help over there. I am afraid that what you are doing is not working (1 year of doing it). She is holding on to her life perserver (you) if things do not work out on her on.

Burt

[built4speed]

To me, even the title of this post shows you are pointing in the wrong direction. As you have probably figured out after a year, YOU CAN'T GET HER TO DO ANYTHING!

You need to do things that you CAN control, and that means working on you, not trying to get her to do something. It's supposed to work like this:

1. You quit pressuring her for things like dinner and counseling.
Result: She gets some time to think about what she is doing and wonders why you are not after her anymore. Might even make her move towards you. You should not let her do it for a while until you do some work, meaning...

2. You work on your own stuff. Without her. Without broadcasting it.
You improve. You become a higher quality human being. You are doing it strictly for you, not to show her anything, not to prove anything. Totally and utterly for you. If you feel like you need to broadcast this so she sees it, you are still not doing it for you. Trust me, she will notice.
Result: You become more attractive to ALL women, including her. If it works out with her, good. If it doesn't, you will get higher quality women than you can get today. Trust me on this one, it really works!

3. You GAL.
Plan for a life without her, meaning do things you enjoy. Take a class. Do that trip. Change to the job you always wanted.
Result: Whomever you end up with will really like a guy as interesting and playful and fun as you. As "intentional" about life as you are. As manly, confident and exciting as you are. It might be her. It might not be her. But either way, you are in a better spot.

In the end, mine still chose to D. Later she told me she had really messed up, and apologized for ruining our family. That might happen to you, it's not really up to you. But now I have an amazing girlfriend who is crazy about me, loves me, wants to be with me. Ex did no work on herself and may repeat history. It's not really my problem anymore!

So, read the DR books and implement!!!

[atom1]

I am not trying to change my wife, the only person I can change is me, what I am trying to do is save my marriage, when we were together having our problems she wanted to go to counseling, we went and talked to the pastor at our chucrh and we thought it was marriage counseling but it wasn't.

We have never been to a marriage counselor, that is one reason why I brought it up, but unless she decides she wants to see a marriage counselor she won't go and I can't force her to go see one.

I have been reading DR, actually I have now read it a second time, and will re read it several more times and I am trying to implement the strategy in the book, so hopefully it will work, but what hasn't worked in not communicating with her as that is probably the biggest problem we have in our marriage and it made other problems get bigger and worse.

I don't want to get into playing games with my wife, I want to make changes and choices that will make our lives better.