If he maintains no-contact, 100%, hard withdrawal (near-total-depression) will take 2-3 weeks, on average. If he maintains no-contact, 100%, then total withdrawal will take anywhere from 6-24 months, on average.
If he slips up and re-contacts -- even NEGATIVE contact -- then his withdrawal "clock" resets to 0:00.
I think it's worth pointing out these times do vary depending on what length the A is in to and what type of A it was, (exit A, or outcry for help to change the M A, etc). A's caught in the early, 'heady' times are harder to bust I think, and withdrawal is longer as they are still remembering the highs - no real lows to drag those memories down.
In my sitch, A had been going on for 18 months and so reality was setting in and A was perhaps easier to bust, plus H and I were both equally willing to admit to what had led up to it happening, ( we owned our own sh!t). Withdrawal was very quick once H recommitted. Immediate transparancy and OW gone. However, OW remained in my head for a long time and I still don't know, all these years on, what I would do if I met her. Joke is H has trouble now remembering why he had the A
Also, in the immediate aftermath, we went crazy working on us as a couple. We called in favours from family to look after the children for periods so H and I could go travel and recommit - honeymoon time to cement the reconnection. We have continued to put away time for each other, even though it is to a lesser degree. Date nights out, or if we haven't got time etc., date nights in just cuddling or talking in our own place in the house. Asking the children to respect that H and I need time together. Children have been great about it as they want us to have a good strong family and they now see that H and I are the glue that binds it together.
It's important to keep banking good times.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
A's caught in the early, 'heady' times are harder to bust I think, and withdrawal is longer as they are still remembering the highs - no real lows to drag those memories down.
I'm sure this is true for some, but this has not been my experience in observing affairs. Longer-term, deep emotional attachments -- even those that have long since passed the early lust/infatuation stage -- are harder to bust than those caught in the beginning.
I'm generalizing (and I had said, "on average"), but I would say that those caught early are easier to bust, and have shorter withdrawal periods. Those busted later, MAY OR MAY NOT be hard to bust, depending on how things are going in paradise between the affair couple, but the withdrawal period is going to be longer.
I'm really happy to hear your entire family has been so supportive -- that is truly a blessing!
Those busted later, MAY OR MAY NOT be hard to bust, depending on how things are going in paradise between the affair couple, but the withdrawal period is going to be longer.
That wasn't my experience and my H had an 18 month A. I guess every sitch is different.
Quote:
I'm really happy to hear your entire family has been so supportive -- that is truly a blessing!
Entire family appeared supportive - though I did have a few problems with an IL who thought that as my H had cheated perhaps I might like to get my own back by having a 'romp or two' with him!!!!, (that was my H's, sister's H)- getting myself away from him was difficult a time or two . Friends were really supportive too which was an enormous help - they had all been so shocked when I 'outed' what H had been up to!!! I/we were very lucky with our support network. No-one really tried to intefere in a negative way; no-one ever said that we were wrong to fight for our M or that we should split.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Saffie/Puppy so glad to hear your sitchs are working out.Its gives us all some confidence. I am new to the forum and would beefit from your views. My husband (in MLC)has been away for 8 months with OW and before that 8 months EA.I guess I made the ultimate mistake and threw my husband out at bomb drop.
We have had no ctc for the last 6 months except for a couple of txts. The last one was asking for a D and agreeing to sign over all matrimonial assests.(He has not chased reply almost 3 weeks since he sent txt).
If NC works when withdrawing the affair partner, do you think the same principles could apply to the wife?
He has also gone nc with children,family and friends. I know people say these relationships dont generally work but they seem to go on for a while?
Saffie was your husband A a PA or EA? and are they both difficult to bust? Continued good luck and best wishes to you guys.
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
Yes I do Puppy above.I was really interested in affair exposure and how they can be busted. I exposed my husbands affair and it made it worse. I was keen to understand whether your A's were PA or EA and whether it mattered.
Passenger asked about stats and of course whilst there is loads to look at, there is a cynical view of the information that is provided because it is of course given aby adulterers who we know are conservative with the truth.
I believe perssonal experience is the way us less experienced members will learn about our own sitch..thks
Passenger apologies for hijacking yr thread I think you have encouraged some good debate.
ME 44 H 45 D 14 D 20 M 22 YEARS TOGETHER 28YEARS Bomb Drop 14th July 09 Seperated-living with OW 10mths(14/07/09) MLC 3years
Silence wasn't golden in this marriage; it was deadly," Dr. Robin L. Smith
OK, I decided to post the plan of attack for the friends here. DH has introduced her to them as the soul mate he's been missing and they believe him right now and haven't gotten my side. It's a bit long winded, but I know these men and they will listen to it. Please provide your thoughts.
Friend script
1. I know you know, so don’t have to feel badly that I'm here, there is no hiding or covering for DH necessary 2. it’s natural for the friends of people in pain to want them to end it quickly, but that’s not always the best avenue to take 3. I’m here to say he’s done it before and this time is no different other than him involving his friends at her insistence. Every time (with me and last OW) he was totally in love, it was his soul mate, he planned marriage right away. 4. A’s are addictive – read a bit of quick info so he can see 5. A’s thrive in secrecy and by him accepting her so readily, it’s giving DH the acceptance and rationalization to continue with A 6. give stats about affairs and how they end in general 7. his story about my craziness is extremely inflated – controlling and suicidal – go into my past and why I had a brief period of depression so that he understand where I was coming from (with a married man with children, worried about them, two XBF who were killing themselves over me, losing my dogs) – it’s typical that the WS will make up stories to make themselves sound better – not trashing him, just explaining 8. he’s hurting the children and the house – give him examples of how he’s abandoned them – plus losing me will be a long term problem given their past and what they’re going through now – those kids need me daily. 9. he’s giving up a life we built together without trying to fix - he runs away from problems and always has. 10. he’s drinking constantly (not typical for him) – show him the past post where he mentions that he self medicates when he’s in pain 11. tell him about how you want to respect him and you want him to respect himself. If this was supposed to be, it can be later. Right now it’s infidelity and that’s all it is. I can hold my head up high and say I did everything and I want the same for him. 12. mention that he’s asked him to lie for him, doesn’t’ sound like rational, caring Michael we all know and love 13. his mother and stepdad were through this with me in the past and won’t support him if he leaves me – she is ready to cut him off – his family supports me knowing what they know 14. we’re going to retrouvaille to try to work on m 15. give him the best man speech to wrap it up – he was the best man for us before and stood for the M, will he please stand for it again and say no to the OW and let our M have a chance to heal? 16. will he stand with us and do an intervention – we have to hit it hard and be a solid wall to counter his biochemistry right now 17. answer any questions he may have about me – I’m an open book 18. leave him the past posts for proof if he wants to read through them
3. I’m here to say he’s done it before and this time is no different other than him involving his friends at her insistence. Every time (with me and last OW) he CLAIMED he was totally in love, he CLAIMED it was his soul mate, he he CLAIMED to pursue marriage right away.
Just from a curosry glance you might want to sneak the stuff i put in italics into it... if you put it the original way it sounds validating
YOu want to make it sound like he's lying/confused/deluded so insert the word claimed in there...
Just like a criminal trial, the defendant is always called "the ALLEGED murderer" not "the murderer"
I will read a second time later tonight, but I saw that one and i wanted to say something right away
. Friends were really supportive too which was an enormous help - they had all been so shocked when I 'outed' what H had been up to!!! I/we were very lucky with our support network. No-one really tried to intefere in a negative way; no-one ever said that we were wrong to fight for our M or that we should split. 
The more the merrier.