H has been in replay since 2007, cycles between the stages on a very regular basis. ILYBNILWY bomb dropped start of 2008, H has stayed home with now only one toe in the door. OW confirmed at end of last year, we are currently working on legal separation.
At the end of my last thread, the well suspected OW was confirmed and I was taken back by how hard having this confirmed hit me. I started DBing towards the start of last year, and H said the changes in me were amazing, but that he was set on his path of wanting to move out. Any attempt at any boundaries such an please don't spend our saving would move him closer and closer to the door. For the second half of last year he seemed to settle down in spending etc, but ramped it up again towards the end of the year.
Once I found out about OW, I waited about two months for my emotions to settle down the let him know kindly the day before he went to see his lawyer for the first time that I knew. He did not achieve anything in that meeting. I waited a month after that meeting, and was in the position where his spending and activities was such I needed to get the legal separation going to protect myself and my toddlers. As a current SAHM, I am 100% dependant on H for finances, and this is not a good situation to be in.
I am currently living semi rural and throught long and hard about staying here as it is our home, OW lives hours away in a big city and our toddlers love it here. But I would be tyed to H on a large mortgage and should he not be in a position to continue to pay, I would be well and truely stuck with a property very difficult to sell quickly and no chance of me getting a job with a decent enough salary to cover it here.
So I have decided to move back to the city where both our families, and OW lives. I can pick up my professional career there again if I need to, I have a much bigger support network and there are much more hobbies etc for me there compared to where I am living now. In short, I can live my life for me. I will be moving in a couple of weeks (assuming our Separation agreement happens). H plans to move to the same suburb so he can be with the toddlers too, although will not be in a position to get his own house for a couple of months.
I probably bottomed after xmas and found everything really hard. With the support of excellent friends, I picked myself back up and now feel my life spark burning stronger than it has for many years, I have the old me back. I have been able to forgive H, I found it much harder to forgive myself for my mistakes during our marriage. I have reached that place where I can forgive myself some days now, so are happy to take that for now.
I still suck at detachment. H is currently in major blame SR mode for everything, most things can bounce of my back, especially the "its your fault I spent all our money as you let me have access to it" crap. We are working on our Separation agreement ourselves as much as possible (I do have a lawyer, as well as a sibling who is a lawyer), so I get sucked in with that. Hopefully we will get the paperwork out of the way in a couple of months, but H is hitting full replay again, and OW (who has been described as a right peice of work, what she wants she gets and a real party animal) seems to be pushing for it and for H now to be nice, so I am not quite sure how long it will drag out.
Having two toddlers and H wanting lots of custody means we will stay in regular contact. He has never wavered to me that he is happy on the path he has chosen, but I have heard from his closest old friends he felt completely torn all last year. He is hell bent on pushing the Separation through as Snodderly predicted last year, a D would then be a rubber stamp towards the end of this year.
While I am the devil incarnate when he describes me to his new friends, we still get on well when he spends time with me. He is still very physically attracted to me, we can watch a movie and joke but while the OW is around he is emotionally bonded to her. I feel our story will be turtle paced. Snodderly suggested H was heading towards deep replay and would be likely to stay there for at least another year. H's parents D'ed but kept getting back together on and off for 20 years although his mother was stuck and did not get a new life at all. I am not that sort of person, I think deep down H thinks thats what I would be happy to do.
I have heard recently H and OW fight about her going out with her girlfriends, he does not trust her. She has set her sights firmly on him, he has blown huge amounts of money on her in the last 12 months, however, that is about to run out.
I have decided to relocate to where I can best continue my living my life to the fullest. I have no need for anyone else in my life, so can't see that happening in the near future, and I don't see H getting his act together for a long time, if he does, so will keep doing my thing.
Thanks so much to those who have been supporting me, you have helped be beyond what you hav imagined.
