Question

[ClingingToHope]

I can't follow Dave Ramsey either totally until the D is done. Week 2 taught me how I mishandled things with W so that she never really felt it was "our" plan. It was always "my" plan.

On the FB thing, perhaps I'm lucky but W and I have completely different sets of friends, really. There are some that we are both friends with, but they are more friends with me.

[awest1217]

Not much going on here. H text me yesterday and actually asked how S and I were doing. I let him know that we were good and that S is learning to ride his bike. He asked about my job. I answered and that was it. Nothing else was said and no text this morning.

S is doing well. As I said he is learning to ride his bike so that is fun. We went to the park yesterday and I am working on spring cleaning. I have already cleaned a lot so hopefully if I keep working every night I won't have to do it over spring break or at least can only do a little.

I looked at my credit card bill so far this month and it is really high for me. I thought about why and looked at it and I have the normal stuff, plus S and my easter outfits and the car fix bill from fixing the car two weeks ago so it is right where it should be, but man it was a lot. I really need to focus on saving the next few months so I am going to not get pics taken of S and I, and instead try to get someone to take some good ones of us on easter. The play set I am still going to do because I was planning on that from the tax return. I am also cutting out getting my students some cookies for Thursday. I just really have to force myself to cut back. I was doing really well, but then S needed new clothes and I wanted something nice since I haven't actually bought myself anything with my money since last year at this time so I splurged a little and then the car...urgh!

I am really doing very well. I get an extra pay this month so no worries, but wanting to start saving more so I have to start really pushing my budgets. The one year of being "single" is Thursday and it really doesn't bother me to think about. I think I have made peace with it and just think of me as being single any more.

[Lucky11too]

I hear you. Sounds like my credit card bill. Same story - big car bill this month. It hit it's 60k mark and several things needed to be replaced. Plus the playset - but I really needed something for S to do b/c he is so super active (even compared to the other little boys I know), but he asbolutely loves it! I really want to start saving more too - for S's future and for any emergencies. I was taking a look at the Dave Ramsey website after you mentioned it and it's interesting. Great job on all the saving you have done this year!

That is so exciting about S learning to ride his bike! Another milestone that H is missing, but so neat for you to be a part of! =)

I guess there's not much to say about H. He's still up to his old tricks of "weekday wife", huh? I just keep thinking about both of our situations and why can't we make this work. But it all comes back to the fact that we can give it our everything, but unless our H's at some point jump back on with us to work on the M, there's not much else we can do. It's good that you are a stronger better you now and have embraced singlehood again, as H continues to make it clear that he is not willing to put the effort in. It has to be somewhat liberating too to finally be heading to some conclusion with all this. Just enjoy S and enjoy your Easter.

Any plans to see the inlaws for Easter or have they requested to see S?

[awest1217]

No word from H or the in-laws about easter, but I doubt my in-laws will call anymore now that H is "living with them" (I don't think he really is and they probably think I know where he actually is, but of course I don't). Either way I don't think i will hear anything until Saturday or Sunday, which will then be too late, but who knows it is only Tuesday. I have all weekend planned so I will need to hear something soon. Usually the in-laws due Sunday night which is still free, but who knows...

[awest1217]

Well...today is the one year anniversary of H first leaving. I have been reflecting for a couple of weeks about what has changed in the last year because when it comes to H, he is still exactly where he was a year ago (even back at his parents, but really with OW). Everything with him is the same, but although I can't yet decide if this major change that happened a year ago is really for the best or not there are many things that I have come away with and am proud of, and kind of sad I didn't notice before...

1. I have grown tremendously in my faith in God. The fact that I have been able to live in my house and pay the bills, but still not really skimp on anything is all God because I don't have any other way of explaining how I did that and saved. It is all God and I have learned to rely on Him.

2. I have gained my self-worth, self-esteem back. For years, dealing with EA's and now this one which I believe is a PA, but H won't ever confirm, it has destroyed by self-esteem. Each time I would always wonder what is wrong with me. H would always say it is his fault, but then point out how I am not helping him or didn't listen or was too controlling. Ultimately always putting everything on me. He would belittle me in front of my friends and subtly (although I don't think he did it on purpose), emotionally abuse me. I have come from a family history of spousal abuse. My dad who died was physically and sexually abusive to my mom, which at the age of 5 I started to break up. My step-dad is emotionally and sometimes physically abusive. I swore I wouldn't ever be in that situation and through counselling I have found that I was right in where I didn't want to be. Through counselling, prayer, and being on here, I have gained my self-worth back.

3. I have learned to be more patient, be a better listener, and stop controlling everything. Those who have followed everything know that I have had a tramatic life so I have always wanted to control things since I have become an adult. I have learned not to do that because all that I can control is me. I have finally let H go completely. I have stopped snooping completely. That is huge because since the first EA, I have always once in a while checked in on him because he is a liar, and I would always find a new or reaccurring EA. He would deny it. I would say I found XY or Z, and then he would fess up to parts and leave others out and I would keep him because he said he would stop and the cycle would continue. I now don't do any snooping or checking. I am not even friends with H on FB because that way I can't check his page at all.

4. I have learned I can do this on my own. H has not been around for a year. He only sees S once a week if that. Right now he hasn't seen S since two fridays ago and hasn't asked to see him. I do need some financial help, but I can do this on my own. I can take care of my S on my own and raise him to be a good boy. He is already being very polite and a gentleman (opening doors, saying I am beautiful, etc). He is a really good kid who has bad days like anyone, but he is good and it is because of me. I have raised him. The house looks better than it ever has. That is because of me. I do the yard work and manicure the lawn. I landscaped and cleaned. I fixed the bathtub spout. I can do it.

There is more, but those are the most important. I have gained new friends and reconnected with old ones. I am happier. I am more fulfilled.

Most importantly I have gained my self-respect back. That is probably the most important thing to me because with that back everything else falls into place. I can't believe I let H suck out my vibrancy and life, but now I have gained it back. Is my M saved? Not at all, actually now I am the one pushing D, but I have to let H go and do what he wants. He is not going to change until he wants to so I can't control that. I can only control me and I am not going to allow him to continue to feed off of my energy or tear me down. I am worth more than that.

This is what I have learned in the past year and I want to thank all those who since I started this in September have helped me along the way.

[Kalni]

awest,
I never, not even for one minute doubted you are a winner. I admire you and respect you. And when I look at your age, WOW, I am thinking what an amazing woman you will grow up to be!!! Your son is soooo lucky to have you.

I know you want your husband back. And I wish you hapiness with all my heart, BUT, you and some other of my friends here (lie MichelleLT) are of those women that I cant help thinking, you are much better off without him. Forgive me for being so direct but these are my thoughts. The only thing that puzzles me and makes me think there must something else, is you. YOU must see something in him that we/me here cant see. So, I trust your judgement but want to urge you to be good to yourself and do not...settle (something I was told so many times not to do either). Your life is ahead of you my dear.
hugs
K

[awest1217]

K - I am completely with you. I am not settling anymore. I am actually just waiting until I have saved enough money to D. I am not going to allow myself to be in a R where H treats me horribly. I thank you for the admiration. I now admire myself as well and deserve so much better. Better is out there (maybe it will be H if he ever gets his head out of his butt) and I am excited to find it. (not looking any time soon, but something to look forward to one day).

Tomorrow I am done spring cleaning...I cleaned the walls, windows, curtains, pretty much everything in the house. I am telling you the house looks better than when H lived here and same with the outside because I take a lot of pride in how my house looks. I enjoy when people say they love my house. Once cleaning is done then off to get S his first swing set. He is so excited. I am loving the warm weather and having the windows open. I am so happy...sore from cleaning the windows...but happy!

[awest1217]

Got S's swing set up yesterday and he loves it. Today it is cloudy and rainy...blah. We did die easter eggs and my brother came over with my nephew. It was fun.

With H, still nothing about seeing S. He did text me last night, first time since Thursday which was about his job. I didn't notice the text until this morning. It just said love u. Nothing else. I wouldn't have responded last night, and didn't this morning because there is nothing to say to that. It has been a year...

I am excited about tomorrow. S is going to look handsome. I am going to look stunning, and it is going to be a fun day!

[ClingingToHope]

I hope Easter went well. If you looked stunning then I'm sure it did. The girls and I had a good time at church and then a relaxing day.

You seem to have really turned a corner. There's more valleys coming to be sure, but I'm confident you'll be OK.

I'll be swinging through your great state tomorrow. Heading to Cincinnati's opening day game. Ninth year in a row. I'm sure everyone there is focusing on Butler. A local player -- Willie Veasley -- is a starter for the Bulldogs so I'm pulling for them.

Hey, just a couple more months of school and then a break, right?

[awest1217]

Easter was ok...good and bad parts. I looked awesome and was exuding confidence. H showed up at church right as service started. He sat in the back and watched S sing and be in his play. Then right after service I went to send S back to H to say hi and H was already walking out the door. I was fuming so on the way to my parents I called H and asked why he did that. He said because I thought you wouldn't want to see me. I said I don't want to see you, but S would love to see his dad.

I went over to my parents and then H texts me to ask if S and I would go to his parents house. I said ok and when I was coming home to get clothes for S to change into I see H driving in the opposite direction. I call and ask what is up and he said he had gone my house to see us before we went to his parents. He gave me a dozen roses and S a remote controlled car. He asked if I was ok with that because he didn't want me thinking I was trying to buy his love. I said I am fine with it.

Everything was ok at his parents until later and they always overrule me with S and my FIL always bugs S because S likes to wear his neck tie on Sundays and not take it off. Yesterday S was in his Easter suit and didn't want to take it off so FIL kept bothering him and H didn't step up although I knew FIL would do that. Also at dinner I said no jello until S ate some meat and MIL put the jello right in front of S and asked him what kind he wanted. Once again nothing from H.

We came back home and had a good talk that led no where and today I am feeling confused and sad because it opened up a place in my heart I was hiding away. H is staying at his parents, and on the weekends is not there because he goes to Indy for rehab. He says he has done this the last two weekends. I asked why he was going and he said because I always said he needed help and both myself and my brother said we think he is addicted to these relationships. I asked what he has learned or what they are encouraging him to do and he said he wasn't really learning anything. Stupidly I asked him if he wanted to stay over because it was late when we were talking, and he said no. I am glad, but at the same time I was putting some hope out there that maybe. I feel he is just doing the rehab to say he tried everything because he even said he wants to make sure he tries everything. He says he has never had any self-esteem and needs to build that. A lot was said, but really nothing new. He did say he was sorry for not backing me up with S because he needs to stand up to his parents. I said thank you for saying that.

Right now I feel like I really need to let H know where I am at, and really tell him what he can do to stop it. I know going to rehab is huge and very good for him, but it does nothing for us. I need action on us. The taxes should be done early this week so once they are...I will know if I can financially file. I just want to be fair to H and not have him think that it isn't coming because it is. I need him to make some action towards us. Going to rehab is great, but he says he doesn't really know what he is going for and tells people he doesn't blame me because his actions caused me to be controlling and snoop. He started the other girls before I started to ever snoop and never would have thought to do that because I was very trusting. I think I just want to tell him that I need him to do something for us whether it is setting out a plan, asking me out on dates, getting a schedule for S, doing MC, actually writing me something to tell me how he feels about us and if he wants to be together, something. Yesterday he said something about buying an artificial tree for Christmas because he found a perfect tree scented candle and I said no artificial because I like the smell, but it was planning ahead like we would be together in December. I guess it is nice, but at the same time we aren't together and I can't plan a month in advance because I never know what will be happening with us. Anyway although still on the D train a little confused today (little valley)

S is sick again. He woke up with a fever and crusty eyes so off to the doctor again. I think it is his allergies/teething (two year old molars) and maybe pink eye. S didn't sleep well and I had to sleep sitting up so S would be propped up and be able to breathe so I am exhausted.

Oh well joys of being a parent. My mom is coming over in a bit to help me put new screen on the porch because my screen broke, and possibly do some other yard work. Then off to the doctor's with S. H is coming. Otherwise that is it for today...

Advice on how to handle H would be great. Should I say something to him today or just give him a letter, e-mail?