How do I act?

[gatsby11]

Hi,

I was just wandering around this site and stumbled upon your story. I read the first two and last two pages of this thread because 17 is a lot.

Your H sounds soooooo confused. Take comfort in what you've got-- he's a bit jealous, he does love you-- and go home and embrace your new life! When do you leave?

This cruise is interesting. You should be leaving pretty soon for it, I think! I actually think you should try to be as separate as you can be during the cruise. I don't know what your plans are, but even if you could get different rooms or something. . . then just enjoy the crap out of that trip!

I hope you can really enjoy this time of rejuvenation as much as you can. I know it will be hard, but I suspect you'll definitely feel some relief to get away from him and the sitch. You'll feel a surprising peace. That's what happened to me, at least!

I'll also let you know that after 3 weeks of complete "darkness" my WH expressed to his family missing me, loving me, blah blah blah. But still wants to be divorced. I do credit the complete NC to him getting that far. It could happen for you, too. Not that everything will be over then, but NC causes things to happen.

Good luck to you!

[Surviving03]

Yeah, I mean part of me feels like me leaving is my last resort and it could be just what we need for him to come around...but on the same note, i think it could turn into sort of out of sight out of mind and he will just move on regardless. We had some talks this weekend about M and it seems as thought my H understands that he while he was thinking about D for a long time, I had no idea and therefore could not have been able to do any improving to make things better, as I am not a mind reader and he put on quite a show seeming to be happy, and he realizes that this crisis was enough to open my eyes to things wrong in our M but he said while he understands all that, unfortunatly he is already at a point where his mind is so made up that it is too late. His mind was made up before he ever came home and before he ever said things like he "would try"... he had all kinds of time to fantasize about his new single life and its just too late.

It frustrates me cause everything he says is so textbook according to DR, and this new little fantasy life he thinks he is going to have is like he reverted back to being a young 20 something with no desire to have responsibility and is extremely immature and selfish. Which is not something I desire in a husband, I am ready to be a wife, be a mother, be an adult...Im over the club scene and bars and whatever... and I am looking for a MAN who wants to be a provider and wants to take care of his family and who is crazy about me. I THOUGHT I had that in H but as I see now, I do not anymore. I wonder if I ever really did and was just blinded by love. I can tell you this much, I will NEVER again stay in a relationship that is tainted from the start, H and I had conflict when we first met (he was dating someone else and I was dating someone else, but I let go of my someone else LONG before he did) and I will never again do that, if its not right from the start, I am out. I think sometimes that I should have known...but I loved him so much, i do love him so much, and I made so many sacrifices for him and for us and for his daughter...

I know a day will come when he realizes what he gave up... I was a good wife, I was faithful, and honest and giving and loving. I waited for him thru two deployments, and did NOTHING that would make him worry about what I was doing (as i know many wives cant say the same) sure we fought, and I may have limited his spending habits, but beyond that, I was a GOOD wife... I loved his daughter like my own and moved around with him to Turkey and would have gone anywhere with him that his job took him....this isnt about me anymore, I see that now, this is about him and only him. I have some things I will learn and improve on in the next relationship, but I gotta stop dogging myself and thinking that I just make him miserable, because that just isnt true.

Today will be hard because he will find out all about the process of sending me home so it will prob become very real today. I still have a part of me that wants us to stay together more than anything else... but for now, I have to let go... papers wont be filed until at least August, so I will just embrace my new life and see what it brings, please wish me luck.

[Surviving03]

Ok... soooo... just discovered that H has been trying to call OW in the middle of the night while I have been asleep the last few nights....wow, i am REALLY tired of being disrespected, let alone in my own house... I am telling his work I want him to move out. I know this is so anti DB, but I am so sick of being treated like crap.

[cesco]

Meg he may need the fear of loss before he wakes up from the fantasy world.

[Surviving03]

thats what i am thinking... and even if that isnt the case, what im doing isnt working, so either way i will be long gone

[cesco]

It tough as I feel your pain.
The feeling of being lost is a tough one to over come but we must for our own sanity.

[tbart01]

meg I'm truly soory to hear this new information. However you need to do what's best for you at this time. This behavior your H is displaying isn't healthy for you emotionaly.

maybe you need to carry forward with the going home. Continue what you need to do for yourself. Only after that will your H do/or won't do what needs to be done.

Right now it's important to do what is best for you. You're H isn't currently giving you any support, and by staying you're onl;y going to keep riding the emotional roller coaster.

Again this is only my opinion, and I'm in no way advocating that you leave. However, at this point it would seem like a logical solution.

I don't recall if you previously set the boundary of not communicating with OW or if you even told him you know. If you have done this, then he's broken that boundary, and you now need to decide.

[Surviving03]

I have told him that I cannot deal with him talking to OW and he had said he wont email her while we are still in this house together, if nothing else but out of respect for that fact, that its in my own house. well calling falls along those same lines... so he did def cross the boundary, and i wouldnt be surprised if he is still writing her, and the way he has been treating me and talking to me this weekend and today, im sure he will start writing her, even in front of my face with no regard... he has gone into serious jerk mode.

[Wildaces81]

Meg I'm sorry that you are going through this keep your head up.

Just try and be positive. I know it is next to impossible but try.

[Surviving03]

thank you aces... I will come out on top of this... i know this is cliche but its so true, its not my loss its his... I hate that my marriage has fell apart, but I can be grateful that no children are involved and I am still young and this marriage was new, I will learn a lot from this, but he wont have learned a thing. He will be building a relationship on a crappy foundation with OW and its sure to fail.