Waiting More Than a Dozen Years

[TeaEarlGreyHot]

I won't retrace a lot of what I've written, even recently in another forum) about "letting go."

However, I realze from that conversation that what I had done is "let go" of that part of the marriage where all expectations of what the sexual part of the marriage could look like. And contrary to what a number of people have said here, it isn't a symptom of NGS. It's not that its been ignored for so long, as if it is the only thing to make or break the marriage (it obviously has not), but that there have been other things along the way that I have also "let go" of to the point where there is very little left (for me). There is a certain amount that I am going back to reclaim if only on my own terms. The unanswered question is how much is she willing (or able) to walk back.

On the ignoring part, specifically on the issue of sexual intimacy, I realize that once she said "no" to all future
sexual intimacy, that I "let go" of that as being a part of, or any measure for, the marriage. It was not until a sequence of events nearly two years ago that had me come back to this and have me ask "is this all there is?"

The simple fact was that I just stopped complaining about it once I let go. It did not change a thing and in fact, it made sure that her "no" took full effect. There are other things I just stopped complaining about as well. As I have said, she has just kept pressing until she got "her way." She hates it when I tell her this in this way.

Right now, there is no hope for me "coming out ahead." Rather, it is which is the worse loss scenario. The real problem (for me) is that expectation has crept back into the equation...the expectation that the rest of my life should not be sexless or have a total lack of intimacy. It is broader than that, of course, because I'm asking is this all there is? In a sense this has become her "world" and she lets me stay in it as long as I make the house payment, etc.

But the sexlessness is what this forum discusses.

If I get back to a point of no expectations, then I'll shut this down and the past couple of years will be little more than "a disturbance in the force."