How do I act?

[Surviving03]

Yeah, I mean part of me feels like me leaving is my last resort and it could be just what we need for him to come around...but on the same note, i think it could turn into sort of out of sight out of mind and he will just move on regardless. We had some talks this weekend about M and it seems as thought my H understands that he while he was thinking about D for a long time, I had no idea and therefore could not have been able to do any improving to make things better, as I am not a mind reader and he put on quite a show seeming to be happy, and he realizes that this crisis was enough to open my eyes to things wrong in our M but he said while he understands all that, unfortunatly he is already at a point where his mind is so made up that it is too late. His mind was made up before he ever came home and before he ever said things like he "would try"... he had all kinds of time to fantasize about his new single life and its just too late.

It frustrates me cause everything he says is so textbook according to DR, and this new little fantasy life he thinks he is going to have is like he reverted back to being a young 20 something with no desire to have responsibility and is extremely immature and selfish. Which is not something I desire in a husband, I am ready to be a wife, be a mother, be an adult...Im over the club scene and bars and whatever... and I am looking for a MAN who wants to be a provider and wants to take care of his family and who is crazy about me. I THOUGHT I had that in H but as I see now, I do not anymore. I wonder if I ever really did and was just blinded by love. I can tell you this much, I will NEVER again stay in a relationship that is tainted from the start, H and I had conflict when we first met (he was dating someone else and I was dating someone else, but I let go of my someone else LONG before he did) and I will never again do that, if its not right from the start, I am out. I think sometimes that I should have known...but I loved him so much, i do love him so much, and I made so many sacrifices for him and for us and for his daughter...

I know a day will come when he realizes what he gave up... I was a good wife, I was faithful, and honest and giving and loving. I waited for him thru two deployments, and did NOTHING that would make him worry about what I was doing (as i know many wives cant say the same) sure we fought, and I may have limited his spending habits, but beyond that, I was a GOOD wife... I loved his daughter like my own and moved around with him to Turkey and would have gone anywhere with him that his job took him....this isnt about me anymore, I see that now, this is about him and only him. I have some things I will learn and improve on in the next relationship, but I gotta stop dogging myself and thinking that I just make him miserable, because that just isnt true.

Today will be hard because he will find out all about the process of sending me home so it will prob become very real today. I still have a part of me that wants us to stay together more than anything else... but for now, I have to let go... papers wont be filed until at least August, so I will just embrace my new life and see what it brings, please wish me luck.