How to approach W about OM

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OIN, yes it is pursuit.

But, you COULD have said something like

"OK, great, I would be happy to keep you company, let me know if you want me to come along or not"

And you leave it with her to invite you.

This is perfect. ^

[OfficerInNeed]

Got it. I addressed her in a mild calm tone but i could have used better wording.

[sandi2]

Maybe if you thought out different conversations that "could" take place and what wording you would use, it would help you be better prepared.

[jasper67]

I agree...the possibilities and potential for mistakes if not prepared are seemingly endless

[OfficerInNeed]

I asked this before but here it goes again.... 99 percent. Of the time she would say "it's up to you" her I try to leave the decision up to her. Do I then make the decision rather than trying to put it back on you.

[OfficerInNeed]

Need some tips...

How do I detach when we still live together and the issues that brought us to this point is due to me being a detached spouse? For example if I go out and do something without her then that is reflective of how I use to be, going out with friends and while she sat at home.

I am trying to balance being the man/husband she always wanted and needed at the same time detach so I don't set myself up for devastation when/if she leaves.

I started the GAL process by getting myself back in the gym and I do my best to maintain a positive attitude.

I am slowly learning what does not work.

What tips do you all have on how to detach but no so much that she thinks I am also pursuing the separation?

[Allen A]

You do things for the home you two share togther.

Do things that she would like, but that don't involve you having to talk TO her.

If there's something that needs fixed, you fix it. If something needs replaced, you replace it.

It's ok to make a plan to go out with friends and INVITE her ALONG.. THAT isn't pursuit... and it shows her you aren't detaching from her too

You can't just become the man she wants you to be.. you need to become the person YOU want to be too or all of this is just pursuit and you losing yourself in your marriage.

The object is to become someone you BOTH can respect.

If there is something you did before that hurt her, like detachment, do something different. It does NOT have to be the OPPOSITE, just different.

HOW did you detach before? Just walked out and didn't tell her where you were going or when you would be back.

This doenst' mean you have to INVITE her ALONG as your primary source of company every time you walk out the door.

You just need to make sure she kNOWs where you are and when you will come back. THAT is an improvement in you, something she will have more respect for, and there's no pursuit there at all.

I dunno, it seems like oftentimes you WANT to pursue her so BADLY right now that you are rationalizing yoruself into thinking its going to help.... we've been where you are... It doesn't help.

Bear with me here.. if SHE is sending you enough messages that she wants you to talk to her, to take her someplace, etc, then by all means DO IT and then exit.

MWD makes this point in her book. If you DO something with your spouse that's great, but YOU be the FIRST to leave.

Don't hover or hang all over the exchange waiting for her to fall into your arms... ain't gonna happen.

The working out.. is this NEW to you or is this something you were doing before?

When you DO get a life, its more effective in dbing if its something NEW to you that would get her attention that you aren't the same person anymore.

She needs to know you are not that guy anymore, so be sure you are doing something different when you get a life.

I usually reccomend volunteer work of some sort.

[OfficerInNeed]

OK I can think of many things around the home that need to get done, I will start. Its just I do not process the skill or know how to do some of these things but that could be a attribute to GAL by learning and doing rather than rely on someone else.

I did work out before this all happened and I have been in a slump since. I lost 10lbs over the past 9 weeks and I feel like I am deteriorating and as a result may be unattractive to her. And if (god forbid) she does leave I want to be in a better place physically.

When I would go hang out in the past inviting her along was not an option...I never even considered it. When I say go out I mean somewhere with a group of friends not 'a night on the town'. For the most part me and my W are home bodies and neither one of use consume alcohol so clubs, bars ect was not our thing. And when we did go out and do something it was always together (ALWAYS). So for me to go do the grocery shopping alone is new to me and different.

My W was not the only one who was impacted by my old negative self. I hurt and disrespected others close to me. I want to become a more positive person. I have a new outlook on life and it would indeed be so much better if my W would share it with me.

[Allen A]

OK, so if you always went WITH her then making new friends would be different... going out to things while she was at home is different...

My advice would be to schedule outings with friends and invite her along, casually, giving her again the choice.

Let me think on her handing the choice back to you.

But right now I think if she does hand the choice to you on coming along I think the best answer is :

Of course I would like you to come with me. I always enjoy your company. I miss you when you're not there. I do understand however if you don't want to go to this one.

Feel free to modify this a bit, but I think its casual enough that there's no pursuit in there, it scores you a few points on flattery as well.

Its a work in progress.

[OfficerInNeed]

Let me ask you all a question. I was sitting thinking about what has work and what has not up to this point and compiling a list.

I though about my public affection 180 were there was none on my part in the past. I remember just a little over a month ago we went a few places and were holding hands. It was a good time. The next day I pressured her by saying "how can I keep that ring on your finger?" And she told me it was over and she was being courteous and "co-existing" the day before. Then maybe a week or so later she was less willing to hold my hand. At one point I asked her "may I?" And took her hand. She had a look on her face as if she was bothered when I first took her hand and I asked "something bothering you, is this ok?" She responded " you never did this before"

Since then there has not been much of the same public affection but also since then a EA was confronted and she has opened up the line of communication more.

The question is... Would it be pursuit or pressure to try the hand holding again? Or is it something I will need to try and get a reaction? Is it too soon to try?