She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[tbart01]

robx, you are one of the few that disagree with the validate everything route. I agree I should validate what is true and except my part, but you have to be able to stand up for yourself. I'm not talking about being a d!ck, but be firm.

I have talked to her about saying these things to my D, and she has stopped. My D says the two of them are on good terms but they don't really talk anymore. This was from a conversation from a few months back.

Ever since I told her I was coming home, she's stop contacting me like she used to. She would send me emails or call every now and then. Now there's nothing. I call and speak to my D and chat on Facebook with her, but nothing between W and I.

Like I said before, I just can't wait to get home and see my girls. Relax a few days, and then start the conversation and go from there. Until I get home, there's too much still unclear.

I was fine when she still initiating contact, but now that she's not it's gotten tough.

[tbart01]

my wife called and we talked for almost an hour. It was a very civil conversation.

She talked about all the work she had been doing on our mobile home than we plan to both live in while we're not at the house. She said it was boosting her self-esteem, and to be honest she sounded great. I also told her that I could see that and i was both surprised and proud of her for what she was doing at the trailer.

She mentioned a couple times about how the old W was starting to come back. Her and her cousin got into an argument, and my wife stood toe to toe. her cousin said that was great because that was more like my W.

She also said she had an aha moment the other day. My d is grounded and she kept calling her trying to get ungrounded. My d asked for a compromise, and my w said no. Her aha moment was that she wasn't going to compromise anymore.

The reality is that she didn't always compromise. She said that was her feeling and no one was going to change that. I told her I would never try to change her feeling. I did ask why it seemed she kept trying to tell me the old w was back. She said she wasn't trying to, but that she was just noticing. I told I had noticed as well and that I thought it was great.

She mentioned something about us having our talk, and how she thought there would be some arguing. I told her she would be pleasantly surprised at the fact that there will be no arguing. i told her i would get up and walk away before I let that happen. she was very pleased to hear that and she said she was glad.

I also told her i had scheduled a mountain climbing trip for myself in Sep. She asked why i scheduled it so late and i told her i didn't want to be gone during the summer. She said we wouldn't be doing anything anyway. told her i didn't want to be away from the kids again so soon and that they were my priority. She told me she was very glad too hear that.

she's going to have the close family member that I've been talking to during all this visiting the weekend I get home. She's going to have her come help paint the trailer. The family member is going through a D and has self-esteem problems herself. She'll now have someone with her when I get home, and I'll be at the house with the girls for the first week and a half when I get home.

it was a good conversation, by far the best we've had in quite awhile. I could definitely tell the difference in her tone that she is starting to come out of her funk. That can only be good for everyone.

She talked about me helping at the trailer when I got back, and also around the house. I get to spend quality time with my girls, and she'll get a much needed break. Since I've been gone for 6 months it's been all her. She was also thrilled to hear i have already talked to a C.

It was a good conversation that was mostly positive. It was friendly, which is a good first step. She can see the difference in me and I can see the difference in her. It's a long road ahead, but hopefully we can continue to keep things civil and friendly.

i just wanted to give everyone an update. i don't read anything into this, but positive is always better than negative. I kept my composure and stayed firm when I needed to be. i was also supportive when it was warranted.

[tbart01]

any comments on this conversation?

[g450]

Yeah, keep up the PMA.

Sounds almost too good to be true from your other posts.
Made me feel like I wish I were in your shoes at this point.

Now Im not saying to be defensive but keep your guard up and your situational awareness up in April. It just sounded too good to me. But then again my divorce has made me even more cynical than I was when I was married.

[steady]

tbart, it's good you are seeing the difference between validate and doormat. It took me too long to learn the difference and I was confusing validate with submitting. It's not about submission at all.

The fact is you can't argue with feelings. It's impossible. If I tell you I feel you were never there for me, you can give me every single example of when you were - it doesn't matter because I still feel that way based on my perception (valid or not).

Validating doesn't mean you agree with her either. It's just you acknowledging you heard her position. 'I see you feel that way' in no way translates into - 'and I feel the same exact way'.

Don't fall into the trap of 'future talk'. Future talk is just that - words. Don't put any value on them. Believe me, I know first hand. Also, don't put any value on talk of separating, divorcing, past, future, what she wants to do, how long she's been thinking about it, etc...

[tbart01]

Thank you guys. She made it very clear at that particular point that was her feeling and no one could change her feelings. At that point I knew where I was so I told her I would never try to do that.

It was nice to talk to her for so long, and her change in attitude and confidence is probably why we were able to do so.

Like I said I read nothing into this, but it is a much better step than in the recent past. I will keep my gaurd up, and think before I speak.

I'm trying not to, but I'm finding myself reading into this. Both good and bad, but I need to just take it for what it was.

Steps forward are always better than steps backwards.

[steady]

i don't read anything into this, but positive is always better than negative. I kept my composure and stayed firm when I needed to be. i was also supportive when it was warranted.

You are reading into it. You can't help it. You're reading into it as a positive thing. Your BEST position, is to really not read anything into it at all...positive or negative.

What if a crystal ball appeared and you could see the separation was the only way you guys could actually work through your issues and get back together? What if you could see that it can only be this way?If you could see that it all works out in the future what would you be feeling right now?

All events are ultimately neutral. The meaning is assigned by us relative to whether they seemingly get us closer (good) to our goal or further (bad) from our goal.

The bottom line is this - How do you know if something is bringing you toward or away? My W and I had sex a month before she told me she wanted to D. You can imagine which direction I thought we were heading after the sex...lol. It wasn't the direction it really moved in.

My point is this - You can't assign good or bad to anything. You can in hindsight, but you can't in real time.

The conversation was an event. You did what you had to do as it unfolded in the moment. It's gone now...nothing but a memory. The only life it has is in your mind. Leave it in the past and keep your eyes right in front of you.

tbart you appear to be doing fine. Just keep dropping your expectations, assumptions and attempts to guess the future.

[tbart01]

steady you're very correct in what you say. It's harder to do than it is to say.

I truthfully don't see it as a positive or negative step. It was what you said, just an event. It was a conversation unlike any we've had in a long time.

I'm trying not to read into this, but of course we all get caught in that.

Of course I want things to work out a certain way, but nothing has given me any indication either way. I'm just happy I'm doing the right things at this time. It shows how far I have come.

[steady]

Steps forward are always better than steps backwards.

Sometimes forward is backward.
Sometimes backward is forward.
Sometimes they are exactly what they seem to be.
You never can know whether it is truly moving backward or forward.

[steady]

I'm trying not to read into this, but of course we all get caught in that.

Yes. And when we see you get caught in that net, we reach in to pull you out.