By focusing on yourself, as opposed to forcing or controlling the overall situation, the issues that the LBS finds within themselves have been addressed. More so....those issues have been wiped out by consistency and habit.
Do they typically address these issues by themselves? Most of them are just so completely lost. Is it not OK to point out these issues to them? I am not sure my H even realizes his issues some times.
This is not about him it's about you. You look at yourself and own up to your own faults in where your M is. An example might be is it unreasonable for H to expect you to be at his beck and call when that's what you have done for him?
For me the same question I take care of everything and then get mad at her when she doesn't do do it for herself. OK not fair right?
We fall into patterns of behavior and sometimes very unhealthy ones.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Him running away? If you don't change your M will he run away again?
He hasn't really run away..but isn't really staying. He never chose to leave me for OW..he chose to not stop seeing her which forced me to kick him out. But I understand you. I don't know how to change our M when he has never communicated any big issues to me. All of his issues were ridiculous...dogs barking, our life was too good and he wanted something different, I was skinny, the yard had a weed..blah blah blah. I just know the things that I am unhappy with and want to change. I am not sure how my H will feel about the old M dying...and hasn't given me any indication on how he would like to improve it...sometimes giving me mixed messages on whether or not he wants to improve it.
Quote:
He has to extend his lease? Not your problem.
I absolutely agree. I will not have him move back into this house until I am ready..and I feel that we are ready to move on.
Still haven't heard from him after my text. Oh well.
All of his issues were ridiculous...dogs barking, our life was too good and he wanted something different, I was skinny, the yard had a weed..blah blah blah. I just know the things that I am unhappy with and want to change. house until I am ready..and I feel that we are ready to move on.
We must remember that we have no power over changing them. We only have power over ourselves. I carry this little quote:
It is not in the action of another, but in your RE-ACTION that your salvation will be found.
Originally Posted By: lolawar
Still haven't heard from him after my text. Oh well.
That's the right attitude!
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
H sent me an email late this afternoon about starting MC. Never addressed the immaturity from last night..
Never the less..the appointment is made for Thursday night. I am neither excited or not excited. I really feel detached today..I am not sure if this feeling will last very long but I am glad that it is here now. I really just don't care very much...and not disturbed by it either.
Does it feel more like you're in control rather than apathy? I am concerned that if it's apathy then your moving in the wrong direction. Apathy isn't healthy either. It comes from being overwelmed or out of control. Anger in there too? It's almost like f*ck it...
I wouldn't focus too much on the original goal of MC which was for you to put your M back on track. That is still a goal. I think MC for that purpose is a bit premature.
Instead i would focus on your short term goals of taking control of yourself. Distill all this stuff we've been talking about into a solid plan for you and be prepared to talk about that.
H is leading you around by the nose still. Did you want the MC appt?
When you have time look at some of the other posts you can find of men and their WAW (Walk away wife). You are not a WAW, but you do want change which is sometimes the extreme motivation for a WAW. Look what these men are doing to stand up for their M.
It is VERY painful for what that have to endure when W is in A. But also what they have to do when they turn the mirror on themselves. They want to blame everything on WAW as they sit there complacent. Weak, broken, needy men. The ones who make it go through real changes. They may get the opportunity to show those changes to their W whom they obviosly love very much but they also begin to love themselves too which is the key to this whole mess. We must first love ourselves before we can love others.
Why am I telling you this? I think you should act as if you are WAW. Except you are a WAW who had the integrity to stand in her M, not to look outside her M for some drug to make her feel better. Your LBH (left behind husband)should be doing what all these committed and tormented men are doing for themselves and for their M.
These W's walk away because they don't feel safe or they don't respect or _____ whatever. I think you can get in touch with how you feel about H and your M. What real change would he have to SHOW you? What real change would you make in YOURSELF?
Why is he pursuing you really? Shame? Guilt? Control? Depression?
The men on here have made a decision to be better men. You deserve a better man(maybe H) and a better M(maybe with H).
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
Thanks Grit- I will respond to your comments when I calm down a bit. H called me this morning and I need advice.
First in good spirits..little chit chat..then he brings up the lease again. I said we have a lot to consider before you move home. I told him that under no circumstances is he moving back into our home with the OW still in the picture.
He starts getting defensive..saying "what are you talking about".."I am talking about May moving back in...I won't be talking to her in May.". Pretty much saying he is still talking to her now. I say "if you are talking to her now..you are not coming back home". He says "my question doesn't make any sense"..I ask him "what question?"..and he says "I can't talk now..I am trying to find where I am going in this awful weather."
I said "I thought you were done with your lying." He responded that he was. He said "Me and OW aren't giving eachother cold stares..I think we are both relieved that she is leaving." I know him..and I know he is still lying. He is talking to her again.
I need to know how to address this. I got off the phone with him saying that we need to discuss this later. What do I say? What doesn't he get? No us with her in the picture!!!!! He is worse than a heroin addict. I am so annoyed that he continues to try to lie and then deflect it back pretending I am crazy. How can I say this to him without being completely antagonistic. I don't want to play these games with him. He is completely turning me off..(if I couldn't be turned off anymore). I cannot help but to see him as pathetic. I know I know. I need to calm down.
Absolutely.. In the meantime..how do I handle when he is lying to me? I cannot just sit there and take it. I don't want to be accusatory..but I do not want to be disrespected. It is such a joke. Do I tell him to get his shirt together? Do I tell him to get some help with his addiction? I want to tell him that he is pathetic but I know that isn't the right approach. I just cannot take another phone conversation like that. That was the old me that would listen to it. I will not be lied to or disprespected. Just don't know how to get that message across.
