It was my X that changed after 25yr of M and two grown sons. There is almost never a MLC without deep depression, so when you saw depression you were not confused. They are lost and they are depressed. They are not who they used to be and they don't know who they are supposed to become, only that they are somehow being driven through a change they can not avoid.
Many of us LBS become so sad, so depressed, or stricken by panic attacks that we seek counseling and/or doctor's care with AntiDepressants (ADs). I was no exception.
I won't forget the days I was catatonic. A miracle I kept my job, and did not hurt myself. Well, that is not completely true. I did hurt myself by putting off talking to someone. I hurt myself by isolating myself. I hurt myself by trying to count all the ways I must have caused this and deserve my punishment.
Don't do those things. Don't hurt yourself that way. Your MLCer is not doing that to you, you are. We understand why, but you must help yourself by setting limits on the time you will set aside for grieving and match that with at least equal time spent doing something for yourself.
Work on placing great value on the time you spend with your daughter, or other family and friends. Consider your own spiritual health. That may involve church, meditation, or yoga - or all of them. Volunteering in some activity keeps you around other people and adds a purpose to your days.
Your MLCer did not stop loving you. He may have become so depressed with his own life that he is unable to feel real love at this time. He is numb, but doesn't want to be. He did re-write the history of your M so he can avoid the huge wall of guilt falling upon him. He doesn't want to be challenged or questioned. You know him best and that threatens him. He doesn't want to hurt you, or be hurt by what he is doing to you. That is not your fault. Try to validate his comments when you speak. You don't have to agree that you two should get a D, in order to say you understand he is hurt and feels that is the best thing for him. It is okay to validate his concerns. It is not okay to stop standing for your M. Keep the two apart.
No one can promise anything, but I will tell you I see more men get through this crisis and return than women.
MLCers are consumed with these thoughts: What about me? When is my time? Is this all there is?
He does not want to date, like it sounds. MLCers self medicate. They prescribe themselves alcohol or drugs for their depression. They spend money for the instant gratification. They refuse professional help because they refuse to think they are broken. It is the world that is not working for them, not the other way around. The passion of a new relationship releases a chemical in the brain and the high is intense. It is a drug. It can be addicting. Your relationship has existed long enough for the body to adjust and settle down. He wants a new fix. If an OW appears, it is not as much a matter of the heart and soul, but a way of getting a fix and distracting himself from the hard work he needs to do on himself.
You have security and support to offer, but his brain wants a fix, a new drug to numb the depression and keep him from facing his worst fears. He will actually feel less the blame if he sees you doing ok. If he sees the pain he is causing you, he can't be around you. He won't. One of the many reasons you will be told to GAL. It returns many positives to you. If you feel you would be pretending or lying that you are ok, then make two rules.
1. Pretend to your H, but not your doctor or those you counsel with.
2. Learn to Fake It till you Make It. People learn that if they say they are ok, and act like they are ok, they slowly become ok.
My concern is only that you don't bottle up your innermost pressures too much before you speek with someone. Give yourself a pressure release valve.
He has some very hard issues to deal with. He is the only person that can do the hard work. He won't be forced. He won't do it quickly, and maybe not for some time. Some MLCers refuse to ever do what they must, and stay stuck.
Please don't focus on him. Listen to the people here that know how important you are. Listen to them when they say focus on doing things for you, taking care of yourself, and getting whatever kind of support or help you can.
