how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

OTM, there are so many things that i can and DO accept about my H...the impulsivity, the need for social interaction, hyperfocusing...those are things that i have come to love about my H, because while they are things that are very different from my own personality traits, they mean things like spontaneous fun together, lots of friends, and a very focused drive to succeed.

what can i NOT accept? i cannot and WILL NOT accept a man who runs from his problems instead of facing them head on with the woman he married. i cannot accept daily self medicating with weed and alcohol. i cannot accept not feeling like the most important person in his life. are these things about him that will change with time and therapy, and his motivation to change himself? i don't know the answer to that. only he knows.

i can meet him in his emotional storm. the fact that i've been there for him at a time when it was so hard for me to feel anything but anger and sadness, i think that's meeting him in the storm. i've certainly let him know that i miss him, i think about him, and i am here for him. not overly so, but he knows i am here. what he choses to do with that is up to him, and i just have to accept that it is out of my hands. all i can do is offer my support and go on with my life the best way i know how. i just don't know why that's so easy to say and so flippin hard to do...