how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

thanks, lolawar. i'm in the NE, too. this weather sucks!!!

my H is often the one who contacts me, too, and like you, i don't want to contact him out of neediness. i HATE not having contact with him...not talking to him makes me feel like he will just forget all about me and move on.

i will try my best to find something positive to think about...i certainly dont' want to make my day any worse than it is by attracting MORE negative engergy! if i could only manage a genuine smile...

thanks!

[Onthemountaintop]

Why not contact him? He's called and texted before, so maybe return the love? Something positive to say, even meaningless, that reminds him that you can be strong together through all sorts of bad weather.

[trytryagain]

thanks, OTM. i probably will tomorrow. i know he's got a portfolio review for a potential teaching job tomorrow morning and i was just going to text him and say good luck.

i did email him earlier in the week or last week (i forget!) and said something along the lines of how many times i wanted to text or call but i didn't...he responded by saying the same thing. but he said he was trying to force himself to put some distance between us. i think he feels it will be easier to move on and heal that way?

i will see him on sunday, but that feels like ages away. unfortunately, i have to ask him for almost $400 to help me pay my taxes (i cashed a lottery check in my name that he won last year, so he's already agreed to help me pay the taxes on it) and i'm just not looking forward to asking him about money during our time together.

you know, there were a lot of things that were very wrong with our M. i've spent the last few nights thinking about those things and how i was often unhappy or alone in our M. maybe i will take some more time over the weekend and think longer about those things - because some of them are just the result of who my H is and who he'll always be. he tends to put himself first, he's always antsy to be somewhere else, and sometimes that means that i end up doing a lot of things on my own or for myself.

i was also looking through my photo albums on FB. sadly, i don't have a whole lot of photos of my H and i (or even just my H in general) in the 20 plus albums on my page. i can easily say i have 5 times more photos of my family members (my mom, dad and sister) than i do of my H.

so...i guess what i'm saying is i'm trying to realistically look back at our 5 year R and see what it is that i would really be missing if we do end up filing for D. i do love my man with all my heart, but he has put me through a lot in the first 2 years of our marriage...although i'm not even sure he's willing to give "us" a chance at this point. i honestly think he feels like he can't work on himself AND work on our M at the same time.

i don't know what to say to him in response to that...do i have to lose my H because he can't grow up and grow with me at the same time??

[Onthemountaintop]

There's this ADHD fact that a typical child with it will act 1/3 less than his age in maturity. As a adult, that may not be true, but I've found that my "immaturity" can be an asset cause I can have fun and keep my energy up when others "my age" might not be able to!

With a R, for me (and possibly him), that also means I may make more mistakes that you may expect he'd/I'd have grown out of.

I don't think you need to respond to that if you do not want to. Maybe instead you need to decide if you can unconditionally love him as his is now - do you love him enough to accept his faults? For the bigger faults, is knowing that he is trying to improve enough, even though it will take time? Can you accept prompting him without judgment?

If I feel my W won't accept me as who am now, and I her, then everything in the next years will rely on "will they ever...?" ideas that we would resent.

So do you really love him, regardless of what he put you through? If you do, leave the self-talk out that will lead to more despair. If not, consider carefully if you want to 'greive' that missing area and still continue.

Probably judgmentally TTA, what you've written in the last few weeks sounds different than the first few weeks in one way - you are sounding more upset about who he is now, despite wanting him. Maybe I've really misunderstood - I do that~

[Surviving03]

TTA, i just saw your post on my sitch, sorry I hardly ever check that forum, i just use my thread under newcomers.

Your situation is scary similar to mine...well i mean the emotions and the things H is saying is so similar. Unfortunately for me, I feel like time and circumstance are completely against me with the military aspects of all this and the fact that moving out actually means moving across the world. He has recently decided to send me home, he said that this current situation is not helping and that the only thing that might help is for me to leave and for him to miss me and realize his mistake... that hurts, and it sucks.. but its true... this is all just a limbo right now... and nothing is changing... im scared though, im scared leaving will turn into more of an out of sight out of mind kind of thing... i dont know...

[trytryagain]

had a bit of a low weekend...i went to a very good friend's wedding and managed to keep it together for the most part. i dearly love this friend and am so excited she got married so i didn't want to unload my emotional baggage on her or her day in any way. i spent most of the morning before i left crying. i miss him SO MUCH.

the wedding was fun but i kept thinking he should be here, he should be here...not in a nasty way, just that i missed him and i felt heavy hearted that he wasn't there. i thought about him all night. i did text him that morning because he had a portfolio review for a potential job and i just texted him good luck and that i knew they'd be impressed. he just said thanks and that was about it. he's been so distant lately.

i feel like i'm walking around in a fog most of the time. instead of this all getting easier, it feels harder. a friend at the wedding asked me what i thought about my H getting a new dog. i looked at her and said "what are you talking about??" i had no idea. my H had never said a word to me about him getting a dog. i don't think he has one, but she is friends with a friend of his and said that he (my H) was talking about getting a dog a while back. that just about made me want to throw up and cry. at the same time.

we were supposed to meet up tonight but i think he's backing out. he went to philly with a friend yesterday and said he wasn't feeling well so ended up going home last night instead of driving back today. so. he says he's sick, but i have to wonder if he's just putting off asking me to sign the separation agreement.

i don't know what to do or think or feel. i'm a bit of a mess and feeling a pretty heavy depression lurking on my horizon. i know i've been doing well so far and now is not the time to sink, but...this weight is really getting to me.

OTM, i hear what you're saying. i have reached out to my H in a tender way in the last few days and it hasn't been recripricated (sp). i don't know if i can accept some of the things about him that may never change. i guess that's something to think about while i'm crying on the couch this afternoon.

[Onthemountaintop]

Maybe keep focusing in on whether you can fully accept him. My guess (guess is the key word) is that might either release you to a new R, or give you the key to his heart. It doesn't mean anything will change quickly.

Should you decide that you do love him unconditionally, remember that as you've probably noticed before, he doesn't know what you don't directly tell him. Assumptions don't replace good and clear communication. And text messages don't replace a hug.

He walked to you in the storm. Maybe he is wondering if you can walk to him in his emotional storm. Maybe.

[trytryagain]

i'm really trying and not succeeding at pulling myself together today...

got an email from my H. he canceled on meeting with me tonight and asked if we could meet later this week. he said he feels like i want to reconcile and rebuild, while he is having feelings of doubt about the "viability" of our M and wants to just retreat. he also said he was overwhelmed with the feeling of failure.

i hate that he feels like that but what can i do? i think i gave him the impression that i wanted to reconcile and jump back into things right away, so i need to clearly explain to him that i have the same doubts he has, but that i want to at least have the chance to explore where we could go...do i even WANT to reconcile? i'm not 100% sure. but we have to wait another 4 months before we can file for D anyway, so to me, that's 4 months we could be seeing a counselor and testing the waters to see if reconciliation would even be possible.

he seems so ready to just give up and run away. do i want to be married to that man? i don't know...he seems prone to run from his problems instead of face them and deal with them, anyway. not exactly the way to make a woman feel secure in your love for her...

[trytryagain]

OTM, there are so many things that i can and DO accept about my H...the impulsivity, the need for social interaction, hyperfocusing...those are things that i have come to love about my H, because while they are things that are very different from my own personality traits, they mean things like spontaneous fun together, lots of friends, and a very focused drive to succeed.

what can i NOT accept? i cannot and WILL NOT accept a man who runs from his problems instead of facing them head on with the woman he married. i cannot accept daily self medicating with weed and alcohol. i cannot accept not feeling like the most important person in his life. are these things about him that will change with time and therapy, and his motivation to change himself? i don't know the answer to that. only he knows.

i can meet him in his emotional storm. the fact that i've been there for him at a time when it was so hard for me to feel anything but anger and sadness, i think that's meeting him in the storm. i've certainly let him know that i miss him, i think about him, and i am here for him. not overly so, but he knows i am here. what he choses to do with that is up to him, and i just have to accept that it is out of my hands. all i can do is offer my support and go on with my life the best way i know how. i just don't know why that's so easy to say and so flippin hard to do...

[lolawar]

TTA-i can meet him in his emotional storm. the fact that i've been there for him at a time when it was so hard for me to feel anything but anger and sadness, i think that's meeting him in the storm. i've certainly let him know that i miss him, i think about him, and i am here for him. not overly so, but he knows i am here. what he choses to do with that is up to him, and i just have to accept that it is out of my hands. all i can do is offer my support and go on with my life the best way i know how. i just don't know why that's so easy to say and so flippin hard to do...

..agreed. It isn't an easy thing to do at all. I think you are doing a great job. There isn't much more you can say at this point. I think you have made it very clear where you stand and what your feelings are. I think reiterating these things don't do any good. It is so hard to not want to speak or see your H because you are afraid of 'Out of sight..out of mind'. Hang in there...try to keep your head above all of this. He needs to want to change..finding a coping mechanism besides alcohol and weed..he is in a crisis right now- and hopefully these are things that he is thinking about. You cannot force change in him. Perhaps the IC will be able to point some of these things out to him.