I am over in the MLC forum. There are some very wise folks over there because it takes so long to go through MLC. I wanted to post you something from Lostforwords. It is what we are doing here and if you can live it, truly-you will make it through this. It is something I believe in:
Quoted from Lostforwords: I feel there are two steps for an LBS in ending the relationship and moving on.
Step 1- Accepting that the old marriage is over. Even if there is a reconciling, the marriage of old is dead. That is why I like the approach over here in MLC. By focusing on yourself, as opposed to forcing or controlling the overall situation, the issues that the LBS finds within themselves have been addressed. More so....those issues have been wiped out by consistency and habit. So in the new marriage or future relationships those old issues don't reappear. You have time to take ownership in the parts of the marriage that you might have been lacking instead of just saying it was all the WAS.
Down the road from that is;
Step 2- At this point you can make serious decisions about any future with the WAS. These decisions are based on a sound emotional footing. You can really ask yourself "Was the marriage that good?" or "Was my spouse really that good for me?", and of course "Will my future be better by completely letting it go?".
end of quote.
Jasper use this time that you are obsessing about W and what she is doing to do something completely and only for you. For example I am taking horse riding lessons. I don't have to see anybody that knows W or about W. It is MY time. And something I have always wanted to learn how to do. GALing doesn't have to mean being with others all the time. I know it's scary to be alone with your thoughts. Secondly, you said you made mistakes- well why? What in yourself do you need to own up to? I don't need the answer it's for you and if you want to be better the next time around than you owe it to YOU. Next time around might be with W or not. Only you will know but you will know from a firm emotional footing.
I tell myself this: If I leave it will be on my terms not because W kicked me in the guts and I didn't have the fortitude to handle it. We are not hanging out because we've been left behind. I think LBS is a debilitating term. I think we are the strongest spouse left standing (SSLS) Standing for our marriage and standing for ourselves. We WERE left behind but we are gaining ground and surpassing.
It's a process Jasper. But it is not a race.
I'm not through it by any stretch, but you have to keep focus on you or you will die inside. It will leave you with scars you will carry for years. Commit to this for YOU. Do this for YOU.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
