Your w sounds like mine. Stubborn. I can appreciate how tough the no contact is. The pro's will tell you it's a must. I feel for you because I am the same. Hang in there and robx will tell you to be confident and cool and collected.
M 43 W 43 S15 S 12 D 10 ILYBNILWY ( Dec 2009) Sleeping separate rooms April 8 2010. Sep as of 07/14/2010 W moving out 07/31/2010 No OM confirmed ( yet)
I'm confident and cool and collected. It was really nice today. And yes she is very stubborn--actually the most stubborn person I know. Interestingly enough, she just txt me to say she is coming by to get a camera charger at 5am and to not b startled. I told her to not come take advantage of me. She laughed and liked it for the first time in a while. But I won't even get up when he comes. Gonna frustrate me but I won't do it.
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
Not sure if this even matters but I was thinking about it this am. I haven't worn my wedding band in a couple months. Just wondering if since I've been doing th NC/dark thing and she seemed really comfortable yesterday with our talks at the game, should I wear the band or would that be seen as pushy even if I didn't mention it to her (ie just wear it without comment). Or do I keep it off and continue with the darkness? Or does it matter and I'm being too analytical? I'm a worry wart so you have to excuse me.
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
Well, mentally I'm really struggling at detaching, but physically I've kept my end of the bargain-- no attempts at hugs or kisses and no initiation of txts or phone calls for the last 10 days (since I started this LRT). I hope time will help with the mental part b/c I seriously have to make a concerned effort not to wrap my arms around her.
In other news, W came by to get the kids last nite and ate a little supper b4 asking me to stretch her scar on her neck (Im a physical therapist by trade). The last time she came over -- 2.5 weeks ago -- she wanted nothing to do with me and was rude. I guess my space and decreased smothersome self helped in that regard.
Then she came to the bedroom and I manipulated her upper, mid, and lower spine. She had on a dress and I noticed when I touched her legs to position her she got the "goosebumps.". Not sure if this is bc she liked the touch or was uncomfortable?????? Anyway, after that it was out the door with kids. Hugs, kisses, ILY's to them all except W.
On way to car, my SD8 starts crying (cause she wants to stay). My 2 SD's are treated as my own and I love them no less than my 2 biological children. Anyway, in the past I would hbe made a scene (see what ur doing to them, let them stay, y'all stay home please, beg, cry with the kids, etc). Instead, i just consoled her and helped her in the car and said it will b ok in a sincere manner and told her how much I loved her and will pick her up from school tomorrow. I tried as best I could to deflect the pressure off the W for causing it.
After that I started walking around the car and she rolls down the window. I kept my distance and said y'all have a goodnite and she said a fee little things then I just walked into the house. I was proud of myself as I could have easily veered from my goals on numerous occasions.
Also, it's the 2nd morning in a row she shows up here early to get things for work. Weird, cause she never did this in the past while I was here but I'm prolly just thinking about it too much. Over-analyzing I guess!
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
So you see what is working? Now the trick is to continue doing what works. You even sound so much more attractive now than you did in the beginning.
Listen, there are some women who just don't like to be smothered. I am one of those women. I don't mean to offend, but if you had replaced your name with the W and your W's with the man....how would it sound? Read it and see.
I would be willing to bet the reason your W has wanted to S so many times is b/c of your smothering ways. Don't you see how she responds to you when you make her chase you?
Let that be your inspiration to keep doing the good work. She will be all over you if you just won't pursue.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks for the words of wisdom. No offense at all. I know I need to b more confident and self-assured. I love holding my wife and I guess when things got bad, I tried to "hold" on even more. But I love her so much, I will do what is necessary for however long to get her outta this fog she's in.
At what point do I ask her out for coffee or a date? Or do I never do that? Do I wait indefinitely for her to ask me??
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
Thanks for the words of wisdom. No offense at all. I know I need to b more confident and self-assured. I love holding my wife and I guess when things got bad, I tried to "hold" on even more. But I love her so much, I will do what is necessary for however long to get her outta this fog she's in.
At what point do I ask her out for coffee or a date? Or do I never do that? Do I wait indefinitely for her to ask me??
If it were me, I wouldn't ask her. And I wouldn't be 'waiting' for her to ask me. I know it's hard to not keep your eye on getting your W back, but this is a lot more than getting your marriage back.
In the beginning we all come here to get our M back, we end up getting ourselves back. Getting the M back becomes a bonus and not the prize.
You got some great feedback above. Work on your issue about smothering her. That's where your work lies right now. Do it because it will make you a better person no matter what happens.
MySitch Me-47 STBXW-41 D-5 S-8 ILYBNILWY-01/08 Want a D- 01/09 Physical Sep-01/10 D filed-06/10 Got 50% custody=09/11 Ride that wave!
At what point do I ask her out for coffee or a date? Or do I never do that? Do I wait indefinitely for her to ask me??
In order to keep your attention off pursuing, you need to make up your mind that you will not ask her for a date. The first step in DBing is backing off and stop pursuing. Focus on becoming more involved in life itself. Become more independent of her. Become more interesting and a bit mysterious to her.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
More positive signs. Still not initiating anything (day 12). We had 2 different light and fun conversations today (both initiated by her via txt). And the 2nd was not about anything pertinent. It was about how nice a day it was then went to camping and joking about a Kama sutra book, etc. Trying not to get the hopes up but first sign of progression in a long long time. Yea me!
H 33(me) W 32 SD9 SD8 S4 D3 mild S2years ago reunited but... SJune2009 more permanent
She might try to test the waters a bit with you. It is important not to go all giddy on her and act as if you think all is back to normal. You would be shocked to know how many women act like a b*tch to keep their H's at arm's length b/c if she acts half-way nice...then he things all lights are on go and she doesn't want it or not ready for it right then. I could just act like I was in a decent mood and my H would be ready to jump my bones! So, a lot of times I wasn't very nice in order for him not to get the wrong idea.
Getting back on the right track means becoming friendly toward each other again. However, it will be tempting for you to "over-do" with responding back to her TM and adding too much conversation or getting too high on too little. Do you understand what I'm saying? Stay cool aNd don't let your emotions run wild.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
