Need a Plan for My Marriage

[sandi2]

This is the way I see it. A man needs to keep cool but not accept bad behavior and/or disrespect from his W and children. Whenever you get into a verbal fight with her, then you lose control and give her power over you. This is true with fighting with anyone.

You need to set boundaries for everyone around you. Your W, children, coworkers, friends, relatives, etc. Of course, boundaries aren't much good unless there are consequenses to breaking a boundary. For example, I told my teenager that he could not use his cell phone after 11:00 pm and then I discovered he was TM and tried to say it wasn't the same as talking......I would cut off his phone account. However, getting into a verbal fight would put me on the level of a teenager instead of showing my role of a parent.

If you have a friend who disrespects you, then you probably discontinue the friendship. There are many examples we could use. Your W must respect boundaries in the M or she will bully you and will never be attracted to you. You have to decide what are the things you cannot or will not tolerate from her. You have to know what the results/consequences would be if she did not respect those boundaries. Just as with my teenager, if I told him again that I did not want him to use his phone after 11:00 and do nothing about the fact he had already broke the boundary he will not pay any attention to the second time around. Women are the same way. If you just "talk" but show no action (consequenses) then they won't believe you mean what you say and thus the disrespect. There is a difference in ultimatims and boundaries and you can read the thread under Newcomers about boundaries.

When you speak to your W about a matter where she is showing bad behavior, disrespect, etc., you need to speak firm but keep your voice lowered. That will help you keep control. Do not get into a sermon about her behavior. You speak the boundary and that you cannot live in a R with that and then separate yourself from the scene. If you get into a "dicussion" with her, it will turn into a fight. She will be angry when you turn to walk away, but you are in charge and have taken the power of a fight away from her. Don't be afraid of her anger. If she comes at you with, "What do you mean?" you can just give her a look of "she know and you shouldn't have to explain". Don't start explaining b/c it will turn into a fight. She know good & well what she's doing.

A woman shows her lack of respect for her H by the tone of voice she uses, the expression on her face when she looks at him or when he is speaking, and her over behavior around him. For example, if she says unkind things to her H when they are with other people....that is awful disrespect. What would a consequense be for a woman who would do such a thing? Well, each H must decide what is the best consequence in that situation.

Sticking to a decision (like telling her "no") is a wonderful way to begin to restore you respect. Always stick to a decision (unless you are convinced that you made a mistake) and do not be wishy-washy. Your family may not like your decision but they will respect it.

This is the fact men must understand about women. It is not your job to always do what your W wants.....it is your job to enforce what is the right thing and what you believe is the best decision. When the two of you can agree upon a decision then that's great. That is a partnership,but there are times that the H must take the role of leadership and say "no". As the old saying goes, "She can get glad in the same rags that she got mad". You have to just go on like you are fine and not affected by her anger or outrage. As long as she can control her environmen with her bad behavior then why would she change. We don't reward children for bad behavior so why would you reward an adult?

Showing that you will not be led around by the nose is showing her self-confidence and that is very attractive. Yes, it will be much harder now for you to regain respect from her,but it will not be impossible. In fact, it may not take near as long as you think. You just have to pass some tests that she will give you. Saying "no" was one of them....and she showed some positive by phoning you, right?

Choosing battles is important, but when getting respect from your W you have to be consistant. In other words, don't let her take her bad mood out on you tday but then call her hand on it tomorrow. You know your W better than anyone and I bet you know when understanding needs to come into play and when you need to speak up. You calmly say, "I do not appreciate you speaking to me with that tone of voice." That is how you can begin and if she continues later on in the day, you say it more firmly and make sure she is looking at you. If she isn't, tell her to look at you in your eyes b/c you want her to hear you.....then say, "I will not be spoken to in that way. You are very valuable to me but I won't be dishonored in my home from you or anyone else." Then turn and walk away. If she comes after you to fight, tell her you will not enter into a verbal battle with her and if you have to....leave the house.

She needs to know that you have had an awakening and have re-evaluated your life. You show her this by the decisions you make and by your own calm behavior. BTW, being calm is not being passive!

If she tells you something to do that sounds as if she is ordering you around or talking to one of the kids, you get in front of her and look her in the eyes and say, "W, I am not your child nor your employee. In the future you ask me in a manner that shows respect or you can find somebody else to do what you need done." Again, you say it firmly but calmly.

You will begin to feel much better about yourself once you instill some respectful behavior patterns around your home.