What do you think of me reading to him from our old sitch where he was "in love" with her and thought she was his "soul mate" back then, only to recommit to me and realize it was a mistake? Do you think that may get through the chemicals, since we've been there done that type of thing? Maybe not immediately, but maybe put a crack in his facade? Remembering, of course, that I don't have to expose that I know about the PA yet since he's brought up a few times "if my heart was full of love for you, it never would have happened." So, I can use that as an excuse to "teach" him reality - from books and our past experiences.
"I've read that before too, Bond, and I don't buy it. It goes to the heart of "I don't want to think of myself as being so easily controlled" kind of a thing"
To the people I've talked to, it wasn't a matter of control. It was more a matter of their own dignity. They thought if their spouses would have told everyone their story (immediate family was okay) they would have been too ashamed to come back.
They felt that they knew what they did was wrong and were too ashamed to go back to the LBS and in many cases even purposely acted mean or pushed them away because it was easier to be angry than face the shame.
It's possible. But we (BSs or former BSs) also used to always think -- and say -- "I could never stay in a marriage if my husband/wife had an affair."
And yet we did.
I guess my point it, one can always say "Oh, I would NEVER do thus-and-such!" or "Thus-and-such would NEVER work with ME!" Me, I'd rather be a careful student of the human condition, and note what WORKS, rather than what people SAY.
Puppy, please - tell me what works. I'm reading "Not Just Friends" right now, hoping for some insight, but with Retro hanging over our heads, I feel like there's a need to cram.
Puppy, please - tell me what works. I'm reading "Not Just Friends" right now, hoping for some insight, but with Retro hanging over our heads, I feel like there's a need to cram.
To me, what works is a combination of the two approaches -- the Dobson, MarriageBuilders "tough love" approach and the more passive, forgiving, "While They Wait" approach espouses by MWD.
I think you aggressively attack an affair, thru a CAREFUL PLAN of confrontation and exposure (after getting iron-clad proof), and, if necessary, a hardball legal stand. All the while working on yourself, GALing, making yourself the better option. What I call "shining a light back toward your marriage."
It is rare that I've ever seen totally one approach or the other work -- I think you have to combine the two.
I found it, thank you MrBond. I used a search engine outside of DB to search Orich +divorcebusting and it came up. Beautiful, I will get right to reading it to see what I can take from it.
I feel so guilty spending so much time on me - I usually like to read and at least give support to others. Please forgive me all for being selfish, I just don't have a lot of time to get his figured out.
Thanks, Puppy. Would you please check back in with me as I try to come up with a concrete plan of attack and give me your criticisms?
Same for everyone else, of course.
PS - DH is not particularly religious, although he believes in God. He actually used my daily bible study as a reason to show OW that I'm becoming a "Jesus freak" - so that being said, I will pray for you all in spite of that sentiment. LOL
Thank you, I'll go there after finishing Orich's thread.
Here's a question. I used to have a general feel for this (yes, I know everyone's different - but we all know there are patterns) - how long until the love chemicals are gone after an A is disrupted?
I have a general remembrance that perhaps it was 3-6 months on average, depending on length of A and emotional involvement.
I'm asking because I'm still coming up with my stellar, killer and foolproof plan to bust this A in the N.U.T.s (little humor guys) Getting punchy, no food or sleep for two days.
