8 weeks until D Day!!

[lea74]

Thank G. I just keeping thinking that I have had the wrong strategy here. When H first moved out, he really had the best of both worlds. I let him have his space, come and go as he wanted to. I turned a blind eye to the OW and H still lots of things with us still as a family. And we were also still intimate. We were getting one. It is intersting that he seemed happy and I was in agony. However he still filed for D.

I did a 180 and decided not to let him cake-eat and things are now hostile between us. Also he is quite aggressive in his communication with me and I decided to not communicate verbally with him anymore. For example, I didnt responde to a text and he sent another one saying he thought I was rude and he always responds to me. (This is not entirely true as he has ignored some of my texts.)

I am not a saint I know that. But yes I do love him more than the OW, and have tried everything to fix our M, to the detriment of my health, some friendships, my job and my self esteem.

At this stage I am not trying to stop the D. I am just doing it at my pace. The next 7 weeks are going to be really hard.

[flowmom]

(((Lea))) I see your strength in all of this. It must be hard to be living in the "countdown". It's upsetting to read about the personal toll this has taken on you. I guess all of us LBSs are there. Thinking of you...

[knittedscarff]

But yes I do love him more than the OW, and have tried everything to fix our M, to the detriment of my health, some friendships, my job and my self esteem.

Read this sentence out loud to yourself.

Now ask if any of your friends told you this, what would you think?

And then ask yourself, is he really worth losing when it costs you your health, friends, job, and your self worth.

I don't mean to be rude, but it seems like you don't want your husband back. You want to prove that you were right in forfeiting everything just so you can say you were right.


That's not love. That's pride.

You are sacrificing your health for a man who doesn't want to be with you. You are paying for your stubborness with your life. He's not worth it.

[lea74]

Knitted scarf, thank you for your input but I am going to disagree. I have been with my H for 22 years so that would be a really long time to be proud.

Perhaps I wrote this incorrectly. What I am trying to say is that I put our M before everything else and in the end still lost. Its called unconditional love - not pride.

Yes, I do want my H back. But not on his terms, on terms that are good for both of us. I wont loose myself again or allow myself to be controlled. I am happy with the person I am now and am proud that I gave it all to try to save my M. I know that I can look in the mirror and say I did all I could, obviously the stress of this took a toll on my health. I am sure most of here can say that. My self-worth took a beating as it is hard to accept that the person I have basically grown up with no longer wants to be part of my life.

Actually I take it back. This is exactly what I meant to write. You are certainly entitled to your own opinion and I stand by mine.

I may have forfeited some things but it was worth it. I did not leave, I tried to keep me family together and that is all that matters.

Like I said I am definitely a stronger person for it.

There is one point I will agree with you on. At the moment H is not worth it.

[goldfiber]

I proud of you Lea for standing up for the steps you have taken and the dedication to your marriage. I personally don't see pride in what you are doing. I see a woman who loves and cherishes her H, her family and is willing to sacrifice to keep what matters most. If we all took the stance of willingness to die to ourselves for our marriage, our family and our GOD, divorce wouldn't be so common place. No matter the turnout, you will be able to hold your head high that you gave it all.

If we examine our marriages, we will probably see that the WAS has shown signs of self centered and selfishness before and the LBS has been the one willing to sacrifice all. This is not 100% of the time, but I believe in true WAS it is usually the case.

Very proud of you Lea!!

[goldfiber]

Lea, I disagree with you last statement. Your H is worth it. It's not unconditional love until it's tested. Right now, our unconditional love is being tested, for better or worse, in sickness and health is being tested. How we resond says alot about us.

[lea74]

Hi G, thanks for the input. That was a 180 for me standing up for myself. Normally I would just agree with the comments and then also apologise.

You echo my sentiments exactly. It is for better or worse and my love is being tested, that is why it is unconditional love.

I said my H is not worth it at the moment - not forever. At the moment, he needs to put aside his selfishness and focus on his family. That what I meant by not worth it. I guess what I meant was I have always put him first in everything, even ahead of my sons and for now they come first and so do I. I believe by looking after myself I can be a better W and mother. I am part of a team, but also an individual.

I guess I also feel really betrayed so those were words of anger.


((( ))))

[lea74]

G, you are probably right. On reflection my H has been really self-centered in many instances but in others he has gone the extra mile. I guess that is what I am going to miss about him. He did have the ability to make me feel wonderful and I dont think at the time I recognised it or appreciated it, or rather didnt show the appreciation that he needed for it.

Just to torture myself a little, I keep thinking of my H spoiling the OW like he used to spoil me!! Ughh!!

[lea74]

So, as mentioned I had to instruct my L to issue a court order for my H to disclose his income etc. I feel really cr**ppy about doing it as I really didnt want to have to go that route, but I have had no choice. I have repeatedly asked my H and being my H, who is very stubborn, he has declined.

My L has advised that I send an email along the following line, some input or advise would be greatly appreciated.

'in order to consider any financial proposals I have been advised that we require full disclosure of income from you. As you have again declined to provide this required information, I have had no choice but to follow my L advice and Form .... has been issued. A court order will be issued to obtain this information from you.

I realise that you wished to pursue the route of mediation however this is not my choice. In any case, this information would have been required in mediation as well.'

So any thoughts from all you would be great!!

[lea74]

So I am absolutely fuming!!! My kids have just come back from H's for the weekend and they are both quite upset. Firstly H did not park near the house and walked my boys in. This was odd and some ridiculous excuse was given for it, but the fact was OW was in the car. (Oh yes, not OW just his best friend!!!)

Anyway S10 had asked my H that the next time he had them (being this weekend) that she not be around. Unfortunatley H decided to do exactly what he wanted and not only was she around for the whole weekend but they also ended up sleeping at her house. My S10 was upset and crying and saying that he didnt want to. My H told them he was too tired to drive and so he needed to stay there. Both my sons look physcially stressed. They said they didnt have a bad weekend,just not one that they wouldhave wanted.

In addition my S7 said that the OW told him to eat the right way round and my H agreed that S7 should eat that way. (My sons, H and I all eat with a fork in the right hand). WTF!! My son has been eating that for 5 years and who the F is she to tell him how to eat.

I feel totally helpless. My H wont listen to reason when it comes to our kids and my kids seem to be suffering in silence due to his action.