It is a "long hard road" whichever fork you take, Saffie. One can either sit passively, do the "Little Bo-Peep" thing, and after a year or two (or three, or more), IF their self-esteem is still intact and their family's finances aren't totally drained, hope that once the OM/OW dumps their cheating spouse, they can work on their marriage. And they'll STILL have all that hard work left to do.
Or they can choose to bust the affair aggressively, and begin the tough work of reconciliation much, much sooner.
He asked for a show of hands -- I raised mine.
Puppy
Completely agree Puppy.
Thing is, have you read the other threads she has going? I think just a quick answer like that was not quite what she is looking for at the moment. That was all I was trying to state.
I wasn't not condoning the exposure method or any other method. I just feel that perhaps passenger is hoping/ looking for a quick fix answer - which the older posters know doesn't usually exist.
Also the fact that she has a weekend at Retrouvaille booked shortly I think complicates matters somewhat.
I am worried that passenger is going to get mixed and strange messages by posting in different places whilst she is in what feels a bit like a frenzy.
I know this thread doesn't give that appearance, but she really needs to think for 24-48hrs before acting IMO.
Hopefully that is what she will do and she is using this time to just collect as many view points as she can, which she can either use or disgard, depending on how they apply to her sitch.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
Thing is, have you read the other threads she has going? I think just a quick answer like that was not quite what she is looking for at the moment. That was all I was trying to state.
Dunno, Saffie. I took her at face value, when she said:
Originally Posted By: Passenger
I know a lot of people on here now recommend exposing an A. And it makes sense, as they survive best in secrecy - where the thrill is there.
However, show of hands please, how many people exposed and then successfully busted their divorce? How many exposed and it worked in the wrong direction with the affair partners figuring that nothing was stopping them now, may as well go on and leave their respective partners for each other?
I thought she was trying to do a quick poll, esp. since she DID have another thread going to talk about things in greater depth. If someone asks me for the pro's and con's of exposure, I've always certainly given them what I feel are both sides, as I see them.
Saffie & Puppy - You're both right. Thank you. Yes, Saffie, I'm in a frenzy. But it's not from lack of experience with DBing or knowledge of doing what works. It took me some time to get back into the swing of things, but I'm a fighter and I do NOT like to lose. It's mostly because the Retro thing is hanging over me and I had put a lot of hope into it. I really wanted a quick poll to see what was in people's minds. To tell you the truth, I learn from polls and weighing options. I'm leaning towards exposing, for my own sanity and just because I've been there, done that. However, if someone comes on and says their H/W was totally "in love" with the OP, and exposing pushed them away, well, right now I think I would let it ride. At least until Retro, which is non-refundable anyway.
Just trying to get my ducks in a row. Think I need to get everything lined up and ready to ignite before I even put the charges in the dynamite, if you know what I mean. Good news is that MIL/FIL are ready to tell DH that he is NOT welcome over their house if he doesn't end it. So, I'm lucky that way, especially since DH is close to his mother.
"I've read that before too, Bond, and I don't buy it. It goes to the heart of "I don't want to think of myself as being so easily controlled" kind of a thing"
To the people I've talked to, it wasn't a matter of control. It was more a matter of their own dignity. They thought if their spouses would have told everyone their story (immediate family was okay) they would have been too ashamed to come back.
They felt that they knew what they did was wrong and were too ashamed to go back to the LBS and in many cases even purposely acted mean or pushed them away because it was easier to be angry than face the shame.
Of course that's up to the individual sitch.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I dont know if you read my reply, but I do fit in the category of W being in love w/ OP...
When I busted the A they latched on...diff was OM2 was single- and their similarities: he's from her home town, born in the same hospital, went to the same college (though 8 yrs apart-lol), and he's divorced.
W feels she met her soul mate- though tells me she will NEVER M again...
"You think walking out on your partner and deliberately fracturing your family into a divorce brings you confidence and dignity? Seriously? I SERIOUSLY doubt THAT."
This again is up to the individual. Some people just can't live with being betrayed and push for the D after finding out their spouses cheated on them. The people on here want to save their M. But I know many people here and online who said the A was a dealbreaker.
Once they found out about the cheating, they were D within a month. And they were perfectly fine with their decision. They believed that the A might have been out of their control, but the D was in their control.
They gained confidence and felt they were able to leave with their dignity and were able to show their kids that you never accept cheating from anyone.
Again it's up to the individual and even if it doesn't match your principles, doesn't mean it doesn't work for someone else.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I also agree w/ Bond- my W is a runner, has been in every R in the past- always looking for a clean slate...
You are fortunate to have MIL/FIL on your side...exposure, reg of the outcome IS the right thing to do- there are no guarantees, but again- you should be willing to possibly end the M by demanding honesty and respect...
I have such a drive to win that I just don't want to concede defeat, I guess that's part of my drive here also.
Yes, DH is a runner, I like that. He absolutely is. Can not take the heat and runs out of the kitchen the second he feels it.
I guess some of it comes down to knowing on a deep level who your spouse is. In my case, I think I know him enough to know that if he doesn't have the support of his family and friends, he will likely not continue. That may be a deal breaker with him. Guess it's all I have to count on right now. I have visions of friends and family being in MIL's living room and all saying "break it off or else" with me. That I really feel would work. No, not saying it wouldn't be a hard row to hoe still, but it would end the PA pretty quickly IMHO.
