how do i keep my hope alive?

[trytryagain]

had a bit of a low weekend...i went to a very good friend's wedding and managed to keep it together for the most part. i dearly love this friend and am so excited she got married so i didn't want to unload my emotional baggage on her or her day in any way. i spent most of the morning before i left crying. i miss him SO MUCH.

the wedding was fun but i kept thinking he should be here, he should be here...not in a nasty way, just that i missed him and i felt heavy hearted that he wasn't there. i thought about him all night. i did text him that morning because he had a portfolio review for a potential job and i just texted him good luck and that i knew they'd be impressed. he just said thanks and that was about it. he's been so distant lately.

i feel like i'm walking around in a fog most of the time. instead of this all getting easier, it feels harder. a friend at the wedding asked me what i thought about my H getting a new dog. i looked at her and said "what are you talking about??" i had no idea. my H had never said a word to me about him getting a dog. i don't think he has one, but she is friends with a friend of his and said that he (my H) was talking about getting a dog a while back. that just about made me want to throw up and cry. at the same time.

we were supposed to meet up tonight but i think he's backing out. he went to philly with a friend yesterday and said he wasn't feeling well so ended up going home last night instead of driving back today. so. he says he's sick, but i have to wonder if he's just putting off asking me to sign the separation agreement.

i don't know what to do or think or feel. i'm a bit of a mess and feeling a pretty heavy depression lurking on my horizon. i know i've been doing well so far and now is not the time to sink, but...this weight is really getting to me.

OTM, i hear what you're saying. i have reached out to my H in a tender way in the last few days and it hasn't been recripricated (sp). i don't know if i can accept some of the things about him that may never change. i guess that's something to think about while i'm crying on the couch this afternoon.