Standing, When DB'ing becomes unhealthy

[HeartsBlessing]

Good afternoon, Braveheart,


I've read the posts on this thread several times.
I totally agree with the points that have been made thus far.

People have had a tendency to see me as a "success,
simply because I made it through with my husband,
but they never stopped to ask me how things had really
changed because of my husband's MLC.

Our marriage was NEVER the same when he came out, some changes I
liked, some I didn't, but accepted the whole package, and
made the necessary adjustments, keeping my own changes
intact. He had adjusments to make as well. There were
changes in me that HE didn't like, but it was either accept
them or walk...I wasn't doing it any other way, nor would I
go back to what I was.
The SAME rules for both people.

Life will always have its problems, and ours, even at this later time,
is NO different in that respect. Life throws curves, we field
those as a couple..and life goes on.

The door is always open for both of us, should either decide to leave,
even at this late date.
The "cage door" stays open forever.

Would I go back and change what happened? Not at all.
Would I have done some things differently? Yeah, probably,
but who can say? I chose my path, lived it, and still
live it to this day.

Standing, to me, can take many forms.
If some are standing for what their spouses were before the MLC tunnel, that may
NOT be what they get. If the MLC spouse allows this to change
them, they will come out different, changed, something burned out
of them.
I'm speaking from not only my own experience in his MLC, but my
own transition, as well. I literally scared my husband upon
my exit...I wasn't the same person he knew, just as he'd not been the same
person I'd known beforehand....He had waited for me, just as I'd waited for him..but neither got what we'd bargained for.

We were strangers to each other. And that called for a "starting
over."

So, the standing may need to be focused in another way, based
on each individual situation.

Some, may go on with their lives, leaving a door
open, while having the difficult task of trying to see
within themselves the realities of everything in their
lives that brought them to this place.

Others may NEVER get over the hurt, and all the pushing
in the world will never bring them to any other understanding.

Still, others, may continue to stand even AFTER the MLC'er/WAS
has remarried...to me, that would definitely be an unhealthy
stand..the door would be closed to any reconciliation, then IMHO.

Each person is different and unique in their situation.

The change that occurred when MLC'er/WAS stepped out of
the marriage is PERMANENT.
There's NO going back once things have happened and damage done.
What some don't stop and realize, is the growing that takes
place within MUST BE PERMANENT. The changes were NEVER
intended to "get the husband/wife back."

We ALL must grow up for all time, truly, and honestly.

I stood, in the beginning, for the usual reasons; I made
a promise, and stood by that promise. I still loved my
husband, and we had a son and history together. I knew there was
hope as long as I loved my husband.

Yet, I went through difficulties even as I stood.
Many questions answered and unanswered, even as I grew, going through
this trial.

Commitment carried me for a time, as there WAS a time when
I didn't love him, hated him for what he was doing.

There can be so much damage done that love is destroyed,
contrary to what anyone says; and I had to face the
never-ending question of "How much damage is too much?" as I went through, along with
"what if" questions that I could never answer to my own satisfaction.

Eventually, I went on with my life, letting go completely,
only to find him walking on my heels later on..but that was
HIS choice, I didn't have anything to do with it.

As each person is different, and each situation is different, my husband
did not move out, nor did I make him do so. We ALL have
choices we make; I made mine, he made his. I wasn't "keeping" him
from moving out, nor was I forcing him to stay.

The point being, we know our husbands/wives better than we
might think we do..and although MLC is "laid over" the top
of these personalities for a time..the core person we know
is still there.

For example, I knew, without the shadow of a doubt if I'd thrown
him out, or he'd chosen to leave, it would have finished our
marriage..Pride is a driving force within my husband, and that,
alone, would have kept him from "crawling" back to me..that IS
how he would have seen it.

Having him still at home, except for the times he was out on the road,
did indeed make things harder, but I feel I gained in
strength to make up for that inconvenience.

Everything happens for a reason, this, I know, too.

Did that make me a "better" success? No, I was successful, because
I walked my journey through; the marriage coming through intact was
an added bonus, not a means to an end.

As it was, I, too, faced the possibility that he might decide NOT
to continue with our marriage. I know this is as a fact, because I
was TOLD this by him after he broke Withdrawal.
Before, I'd gone on intuition, a knowing of him and how he really
was, regardless of what he was doing at that time.

Had he left, would the standing been for nothing? No, I had to see it
through to whatever end was coming, simply because I was unable to
answer all the "what if" questions.

We all have decisions to make concerning our own individual lives,
each and every day.

The decision to stand, or not, is definitely up to the
LBS, IMHO. Anyone can dispense all the helpful advice there is,
but in the end, you have to let go, and watch what happens
next.

Also, the fact that things are happening SO fast in the beginning
causes a panic within the LBS, many mistakes are made..and they realize
what they've done later, then decide to stand.
That was ME I'm describing in the aforementioned;
I'd thought many times I'd gone too far to recover; but
then it was up to my husband...it always was.

Yet, if he had decided NOT to stay with me, I could NOT have stopped him.

This is TRUE, regardless of the situation at hand.

The standing might work, and it might not...the ball is generally within
the MLC'er's court, and unfortunately, they may decide to go on and not
come back.

What people have generally missed in my postings, even that long ago, was
there were always possibilities, not definite things.

No one can EVER really say what's best for each individual situation..it is truly
up to the LBS and no one else.

I don't and NEVER claim to "know it all", but this is my two-cents worth, loosely based
on what I remember and know now.