I thought I would start a thread because it seems like the LBS spends a lot of time thinking about the WAS, their motives, their psyche, etc,. and maybe we need to focus more on ourselves.
On Tuesday, I had an assignment in IC to bring pictures of when I was little to talk more about my childhood. So, the night before, I packed up a small red bag with pictures. The next morning, I arrived to the appointment 10 minutes late, talked about my concerns about S10, the divorce settlement and how I thought H's parents divorce had impacted H. Then as I drove away, I realized that the girl in the photos never made it out of the bag. I almost had to laugh when it dawned on me what I had done, and I ended up thinking it was probably the best session yet. It showed me that I've always focused on others when I'm in pain--that it deflects it away, and I've probably got a lot of work to do on myself. I need to get the girl out of the bag. I can't leave her in there, even though sometimes it feels easiest to do that...
When I think about H, I feel sad, angry, disappointed, and pretty disgusted, honestly. I don't like that guy, the one in the A. That guy feels creepy to me, and not someone who I want even close to my heart. He wasn't careful with my heart or with ME, really, in our marriage. It seems that it was all about him, from very early on.
So, what about ME? Our D will be final next month. It's been fast and we've worked with a good mediator--everything figured out in about 3 sessions. I was thinking that we spend months planning a marriage, sending out invitations, picking out dresses, getting new hairdo's, pedicures, etc, then the divorce takes 30 minutes. So, I'm going to do some of those things with some friends the day after the D. Maybe I'll even call it a bachelorette party!
I know its not a party to get a divorce, or a celebration--but it is a new beginning of sorts. I want to grow psychologically, spiritually and emotionally. A psychologist I know says that we act things out or we figure them out. I'm worried that if I don't figure out what happened that it could happen again. I don't want another marriage where I feel erased--I want a mutual relationship where we have fun, have a shared life, and are emotionally intimate and take care of eachother's hearts. I want to be with someone who wants to be part of a community and to have a bigger circle around us. My H, who is actually very funny, likable and charming, told me that he has always felt like he was walking on a dark street, looking up at houses with the lights on, and feeling sad that he wasn't in one of those houses. I feel like we could have had one of those houses, but instead, we both ended up feeling like we were outside, alone in the dark. He brought me outside with him, and I wasn't able to bring him inside with me and others. Anyway, I digress. The only reason I say this is because I don't want to make the same mistakes again.
I think it might be helpful to hear from other LBS's to see what we've learned about ourselves, or changed, to get a different outcome. I never had problems dating before I got married, and expect to date again -- but I feel pretty worried about not recognizing old patterns and maybe having the same thing happen again.
