Besides your wife's PTSD...what was day to day life like?
I use to describe it to her this way. 95% of the time it was great. We did a lot of stuff together. During football season I'd would wake up and ask her "Hey what's today?" She'd say "it's Game Day!" We like to do the same kinda stuff. We would kayak. Go trail hiking. take the dog on walks together. She was not disrespectful or mean to me unless we were fighting when she had been drinking, then the gloves would come off. That's the other 5% which was hell. I could come home and she'd be almost done with a bottle of wine. We would go out and she'd get crazy. She'd go out without me and get into trouble. Not with other men that I know of. Just irresponsible behavior. She got arrested twice.
I responded by trying to control everything and coming down with a heavy hammer on her. That's when I lost myself trying to fix it. As I have said you either leave, get consumed by the behavior or you detach. The first means leaving your marriage and all the pain and regret. The second is not healthy for you or them. The third gives the opportunity to fix yourself and maybe they fix themsleves when you take the pressure off and become the strong person, not just the most assertive.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
So you played the dad role. Refresh my memory..is the W living in your house with OM? Have you confronted OM?
I am still so tempted to call the OW and give her a piece of my mind. She called me over a year ago to tell me it was a big misunderstanding. (puke) One of my friends last night thought it would be a good idea. What will it accomplish you ask? It would be an unloading of the 1000's of daydreams I have had about doing just that. I have played out the conversation a 1000 times in my head....but I won't do it although I so very much want to.
Just thumbing through People magazine..what is wrong with people? Jesse James WTF? Sandra Bullock is gorgeous, appears to be sweet (or at least says the right things in front of the camera), fought for his daughter...and he was spreading his seed in weed infested areas when he had a green grass at home.
No W is living in our home which is actually her house from previous M that ended 5 years ago and hasn't sold. Part of the drama.
I haven't confronted OM. He is a nobody. Remember we talked about this way back in the thread. We were comparing who had the worst OP, I forgot was it Puppy? or someone whose 40ish W was going out with pimple faced kid? This guy is uneducated, 39 ebroiders stuff for a living. MLCers (which I think your H is one and when appropriate you should probably switch over there) they go down the food chain cause that's how they feel about themselves and it's easy and not challenging like their spouses.
It is definitely not a reflection on you. If anything once you understand what's happening the further down into stupid they go is actually an inverse relationship to your own acceptance of it not being about you. I think. You're like WTF? Really? That guy? That's the guy? Oh I am sorry. Our M must be really f*cked up. That's when you know they sailed off the map.
My W was on national TV shows. Also modeled up until about 2 years ago.Very successful career. She has lost her career. Her exH screwed her out of her nest egg she had been building for ten years when he drained all the equity in her house with a second mortgage. House is in foreclosure. She's been arrested for DUI and battery(fight at a night club while I was out of town) over the past 2 years. The economy went to sh#t. I use to make a really good living and now am struggling. She has no job. Doesn't know what to do now that modeling is pretty much done. She is lost. So you could say we/she had the perfect storm. On top of all this she has the PTSD which is like running a marathon with one leg. And still ... I can't save her. She must decide to save herself.
OM just won f@cking lottery! He's way out over his ski tips. There's going to be a yard sale. But if not she can dwell in the basement. It's out of my hands and has nothing to do with me. You can't force stuff on MLCers. If I tried to make her stop seeing him she would dig her heels in. I would focus all my energy on that and off of my healing and myself. My M and my W is worth too much to me to lose myself. I am worth too much myself.
Soooo think about that when yu are trying to figure out whether to confront. He's already said he's finished with her. Again I don't think your energy should focus one more second on that OW. Any time wasted on her you won't get back in any way.
I am making gumbo today. I love to cook. I lose all my worries...that's probably the Italian thing. Food=Love.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
TG: It is definitely not a reflection on you. If anything once you understand what's happening the further down into stupid they go is actually an inverse relationship to your own acceptance of it not being about you. I think. You're like WTF? Really? That guy? That's the guy? Oh I am sorry. Our M must be really f*cked up. That's when you know they sailed off the map.
This is hilarious because it's true. They are not getting an upgrade usually.
I think puppy wins the prize for the most pathetic OM with the pimply faced freak. Hands down.
Yes..H said he is finished with her..but is H really finished with her? Finished to me means NO CONTACT. He responded to her email regarding her resignation. That is contact. I think he should of ignored her.
Yes..H is sharing emails with me..Yes..H is sharing text messages with me..But why the frick are there still emails and texts from her???? Why does she still feel like it is OK to contact him? When will she crawl out of my life and back into that dark hole she originated from.
I know I need to worry about myself and not give her any more time than she already has taken from me. But this is a less than ideal foundation if my H want to work on his M..which he says he does.
I am not getting overly excited about anything and I don't think that we are in a better spot now than several weeks ago. We have made very small baby steps. My H is contacting me more frequently than weeks past. I get a call this morning asking me "do I like frappuccinos?"...umm OK??!! So the content needs a bit of work.
I just busted my pants eating at my parents house. My mother would agree food = love. She cooks a feast almost every Sunday. Cooking is her life. I think I put on all the weight that I have lost during this ordeal. TG- hope your gumbo was a success.
...and the evil H returns. H called several times when I was at my parents. I called him back and he was in an awful mood. Said "how come I can never get in touch with you when I call..or email..or text?"..."I am supposed to be completely available for you..and you are always unavailable to me"..."You know what..I am not going to answer your calls either than"
OMG. I told him that I was at my parents house and that I did call him back..his response "yeah..over an hour later". ugh!!!
Don't we have enough issues to get through?? really...you need to get mad over these stupid things. I haven't given him a hard time about not answering his phone since we separated. This is the stuff I don't like..immaturity.
I guess DBing is getting me in trouble. I don't want to be too available so I havent been immediately available. Is this the reaction that I want?? I don't know how to handle him.
..not sure if this was the right thing to do but I sent a text. "I haven't given u a hard time about answering ur phone since uve been gone or returning text msgs in a timely manner. In the past I have due to ur affair and the lying that came with it. Since affair ended..I will not accept this immaturity. Time for mutual respect and an adult relationship. Don't u think?"
I am sure I won't get a response because he is proving a point...or because he is angry..or whatever other excuse he can come up with. Why am I trying to save my M?
lola...sounds like he might think since OW is soon to be out of the picture; that you guys are going to pick right back as a couple.
It appears he is a little uneasy about YOUR freedom...he is probably wondering what you're doing since you seem to be in no hurry to talk with him. That is why you don't jump at the phone every chance he calls or texts.
I think your response is fine. But if he was baiting you; you bit. If he doesn't respond because he's angry; well that his passive aggressive personality.
Why do we all try to save our M's? Because we are the ones who value M.
You're not trying to save your M right now. You need to try to save you. Did you read this from Lostforwords on the post link I sent you:
I feel there are two steps for an LBS in ending the relationship and moving on.
Step 1- Accepting that the old marriage is over. Even if there is a reconciling, the marriage of old is dead. That is why I like the approach over here in MLC. By focusing on yourself, as opposed to forcing or controlling the overall situation, the issues that the LBS finds within themselves have been addressed. More so....those issues have been wiped out by consistency and habit. So in the new marriage or future relationships those old issues don't reappear. You have time to take ownership in the parts of the marriage that you might have been lacking instead of just saying it was all the WAS.
Down the road from that is;
Step 2- At this point you can make serious decisions about any future with the WAS. These decisions are based on a sound emotional footing. You can really ask yourself "Was the marriage that good?" or "Was my spouse really that good for me?", and of course "Will my future be better by completely letting it go?".
End quote
You have a H that presumably wants back in. He talkin the talk but he ain't walkin the walk. Your sitch isn't one of a LBS(left Behind Spouse) but you need to look at this like an MLC sitch and follow the above.
Is this the reaction you want? I don't know is it? What do you want. Do you want your H to keep calling you and getting upset with you for childish reasons. Do you want to be part of whatever drama is floating thorugh his head? Do you want to continue your old marriage where your back doing his laundry, making him dinner, and he's bored and complacent until he has an A?
If not then you need to kill this crap. I will quote again from Lostforwords and what he said about my W. He will continue to blame everyone and everything except where the it belongs-inside him. This isn't about DBing strategy don't get confused here. Your goal is stated in #1 above. WORK ON YOU. Once you are on sound emotional ground you can decide if H has shown you steps toward maturity. You're not there right now and neither am I. H keeps yanking your chain. I don't know exactly what to tell you to do other than you have to stop him pulling you back in.
Why now is it so imperative that since OW is leaving that he has to have a decision from you? Some reaction? For you to answer your f@cking phone? Why?
His lifeboat is leaving...
Are you going to be the one to do all the bailing and repairing the ship?
Answer me one question. What has he done besides words to you that makes you think he is ready and mature enough to make a brand new marriage?
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
MC- No response..so predictable. I did take the bait. So how do I handle this going forward. I am sure he is going to contact me. Do I just continue my behavior and he will just be forced to accept it? Do I bring this issue up again? I am sure the next time we speak..he won't even talk about it.
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Step 1- Accepting that the old marriage is over.
I am fully ready to accept this...I am not so certain he is.
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By focusing on yourself, as opposed to forcing or controlling the overall situation, the issues that the LBS finds within themselves have been addressed. More so....those issues have been wiped out by consistency and habit.
Do they typically address these issues by themselves? Most of them are just so completely lost. Is it not OK to point out these issues to them? I am not sure my H even realizes his issues some times.
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He will continue to blame everyone and everything except where the it belongs-inside him.
This is one of the biggest challenges I face with my H. He continuously blames everyone else for everything. He has a very tough time looking within.
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H keeps yanking your chain. I don't know exactly what to tell you to do other than you have to stop him pulling you back in.
How do I do this?
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Why now is it so imperative that since OW is leaving that he has to have a decision from you? Some reaction? For you to answer your f@cking phone? Why?
I think it is all related to his lease. Regarding me answering the phone..he would ALWAYS get so angry when I didnt answer the phone or respond to him quickly. That is the narcissism.."what is more important than me contacting you?". It didn't matter that I was at work, out with friends, or whatever. I think this got worse once he started his A because he became paranoid. I don't remember this being a big issue several years ago.
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Answer me one question. What has he done besides words to you that makes you think he is ready and mature enough to make a brand new marriage?
Forwarding me emails and texts...otherwise..nothing.
