GF, do not give the last 16 months any more head space. That's past. You only have to deal with today. Sometimes it's by a second at a time.
You are confused because you let yourself be sucked into your H's drama. Step back and detach from the alien he is now. Save yourself and your kids. There's nothing you can do to fix this for your H.
When your H sees you portray confidence and happiness. Nothing over the top, but fake it until you make it. With MLC confusion and waffling they are drawn to strength and calmness. Be the beacon that sheds light on the path home. Someone told me to "Be the change you want to see."
Do not tell you H how much you love and miss him. That is pursuing and acting needy. Actions speak louder than words. Move your life forward. You can stand without standing still.
Do 180's. Any way to get the water off the top of the pool yourself? Can you get your S to help? What about other things your H said during a spew session. Were there things that he said that stung? Usually those are the things that you could work on and change. Do them for yourself though and not for your H. Own the things that got you to this point in your R, but do NOT take the blame for your H's MLC. You didn't cause it and you can't stop or fix it. Take this time as an opportunity to work on yourself. It will stand you in good stead no matter what happens in your R.
As you calm and center yourself hopefully the panic attacks will be reduced and stop. This is your time to take your own journey of self discovery. Don't waste it by becoming so wrapped up in whether your H returns or not that you don't make the necessary changes for yourself.
As far as GALing do projects around the house until you can trust yourself to drive again. Keep busy.
Keep posting and do any venting here instead of to your H. Keep reading and learning because knowledge is power.
You can do this, and you will come out better than OK. We'll be here to help you along the way.
