In short Passenger, YES, expose to anyone who may put any kind of pressure on your H to END his AFFAIR
And just becuase he's lying to her doesn't mean he's done with her.. he's lying to you too... remember?
I am not trying to be a downer here, but you do need to know that this sort of thing doesn't end smoothly.
Men in particular can be VERY KIND to their spouse and walk out the door and cheat on them without a second thought. We are talented compartmentalizers.
Not sure what article you are referring to, i just see a url to another thread in newcomers.
Anyhow. Ignore the "love of his life" business, its just chemicals as you already noted... those dissappear over time.
The more reality you can bring to bear on him the less FUN the infidelity is. Those chemicals get charged up from how exciting the affair is.. if you take the fun of it for him you put a serious dent in his addiction. Spoil his fun.
1. Go to see best man (with MIL/FiL as support and backup) and ask him to do the good, moral thing and stand by me UNTIL divorce. I think that once he sees my side of it, he may stand up and agree to that. Maybe not, but I think I know him well enough to see the morality in not allowing the A to continue behind my back. 2. Expose to OWH 3. Expose to OW - share with her that this is not his first time, and share the article 4. Go to Retrouvaille and hope for the best from DH - haven't decided yet if I expose to him before or after Retrouvaille, and if so, how far in advance. I guess all of the above has to be done at the same time.
Q: IF I expose, is it best for me to wait the three weeks for Retrouvaille and expose all at once? Because I am tempted to go to best man today with MIL/FIL and ask him to stop supporting it now, and ask that he keep secret that I know... and rely on his values to hope he will keep it secret. I think I know him well enough to know there's a chance he will keep secret, but his loyalty to DH may win out over his loyalty to his own sense of right/wrong, in which case exposure will be sped up and I'll lose the element of surprise.
How can you go to Retrouvaille if your H is still involved with OW? I thought they didn't accept couples on the course when an OP was still involved.
IMO you need to expose to OW's H as soon as possible but there is a risk if you start exposing before Retrouvaille, that your H may refuse to go because he will be so angry.
Don't ask others to keep secrets for you. It puts them in compromosing positions, splits loyalties, and you never know if they really will keep your confidence.
Be straight, clear, and honest in what you do and try not to put others who are innocent parties in difficult positions by asking them to make choices between you and your H. If you reconcile you may find you have lost those friends forever.
However, exposing is different. Just do it in the most effective way you can, if that is what you choose to do, but be aware that you can never be sure what the outcome will be. Exposure does not guarantee the end of the A or even if the A ends, it does not guarantee return of your H.
That said, I do believe A's thrive in secrecy and exposure sure takes the shine of them usually. It tends to make the partners having the A suddenly have to face the reality of their actions.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
The confrontation with your H should happen AFTER you have exposed to others. NEVER warn your spouse you are going to expose his affair to other people, just DO it.
Again Saffie's spot on about Retro. Your husband will likley not go if he gets wind you are exposing his affair to everyone. But Retro. says on their own website that it won't be much help to couples in an affair.
Just expose the affair to anyone who you think may put any kind of pressure on your H. Don't ask them to keep secrets or anything like that.
GET EVIDENCE. MOST people won't believe you. I know these are your friends, but exposure will teach you who your friends are... and aren't... its a very enlightening activity.
The exposure should include these points :
1. Your husband is involved in another addictive infidelity (never call it a relationship, call a spade a spade) 2. You value your marriage and want the affair to stop. 3. Ask them to support your marriage and your campaign to save it from attack by this OW. 4. Your H's infidelity is hurting you and your family. 5. Thank them for their time
So do I expose the affair right away? Or wait until Retro comes along and do it that weekend?
I have little clues here and there that he's not entirely out of love with me, he is just behaving like an alien again... nothing new to me, unfortunately. I just keep feeling like if I can just get a little finger in the door, I can go from there and keep opening it up again.
Do you have any evidence that he's cheating on you?
Exposure really should come with some solid evidence, you will have an uphill battle exposing to anyone if you just want them to accept your say so.
I never went to Retro. but they claim that it wont' help when an affair is taking place... you would need someone who went through the Retro. program to tell you if it would help you much right now.
The exposure is a timing thing, and a big part of that is you assessing impact.
If you expose NOW, instead of three weeks from now, in what way might the results be different?
I really don't recommend exposure until you have solid evidence you can share with the people you are exposing to. If you just want them to take your say-so your H is just going to reverse-expose to everyone and deny it -- AND he will tell everyone you are paranoid and controlling to boot.
The exposure is a timing thing, and a big part of that is you assessing impact.
That is SO important.
I don't know how much Retro will help if your H's heart is elsewhere, but it might just bring him round. Some people have gone even though the A was still ongoing.
You could try going there and then exposing afterwards if Retro doesn't seem to bring your H back to you. My big question though is how can you be honest with one another if your H is still involved with OP when you go? Bit of a catch 22.
However Retro could give you the tools to communicate better and also give you the tools to know how to expose in an effective way as I believe the weekend is about ways of communicating amongst other things.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I agree- Ret., not that I've been, requires a lot of honesty about feelings...you can read their sample questionaire online...very in depth and a great idea for any couple...Has H already agreed to attend?
If he's in an A the honesty will not really be there...but everyone is diff...you never really know what will bring a WAS around
I truly believe he has a deep love for me still and is medicating himself with her, plus he thinks of himself as a good person so he is talking M with her, etc... to justify what he's doing. He's afraid of rejection with me and afraid of failing, so he's running off to a new R with a new partner. I should mention that (I'm so ashamed) I was the OW in his first M. I didn't really know what was happening, it all happened so fast, but he told me he was sleeping on the couch, their M had been over for years and he had already asked for a D. I believed him thoroughly. I was very young, but now I'm ashamed looking back and seeing it for what it was. I had the good sense to tell him that I wanted him to finish D and see other women before he settled on me, but not the good sense to follow up on that request. However, I guess we were one of the "lucky" ones as our M has been mostly good and filled with love, and we have so much in common, even all these years later.
I want to believe because he's such an emotional person that Retro will "reach" him wherever he's hiding. I think I'll go dark for a while - as much as possible as we live together. I just need time to digest, having the Retro thing hanging over us now is like a deadline, and as you all know, this stuff takes time and patience and detaching. Kind of hard when you have this big ax hanging over your head.
Yes, I absolutely have evidence. I logged onto his work email and have all the emails. She obsesses about me, always asking how I'm handling things - under the pretense of course of being concerned for my feelings. It's laughable. I was able to sit with MIL for sometime this morning and read some of them out loud and laugh. She says he's acting like a 17 year old. OW of course says that her M is bad and OWH is more like a friend to her. The kicker is that she works in computers and isn't smart enough to tell him to change his password #1, and #2, she has a degree in psychology and still doesn't know about these affair chemicals in her brain. FIL said it's like the space between stupid just got closer. Anyway, DH is planning a wedding apparently because he has a folder set up in his email for that - but there's nothing in there. LOL - they've been "together" for about 4-6 weeks from what I can see.
