Out of curiosity what's the worse that can happen here if you appear controlling?
Your wife might cheat on you? SHe's already doing that
Your wife might divorce you? She's already planning that too
Your life might fall apart? Hello?
Your FEARS are coming true anyways... you are already bringing that about BECAUSE you won't control the situation.
Your trading control for her freedom is going to cost you yoru marriage.
OK, sharing this info with the OM's wife may not help... But don't hold back because you are afraid of her. If you think this is gonna go away on its own you are a fool. I've been there it does NOT GO AWAY, it gets a LOT MORE PAINFUL for YOU after this point... we are TRYING to SPARE you that.
What IS the OMW doing to "fix" this? Buying him flowers and chocolates?
Allen, thank you so much for your on the spot advice - I am in a desperate situation right now. Your right, and I totally understand. I think my wife may choose to move out this morning because of my ultimatum (I tried to present it as a boundary - I think it may have come out sounding more like an ultimatum). She basically refuses to stop talking to the OM and I told her that if she wants to continue talking to the OM, she would have to leave. The OM has a spare empty house for her to stay in. She slept on the sofa last night. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have said anything. The night before was so much better.
I wouldn't be surprised if the OMW is buying flowers and chocolates, but she told me yesterday she is using something called Marriage Fitness.
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
A question - Is it possible for my wife and the OM to "just be friends"? They supposedly are not seeing each other any more. Suppose they stop telling each other "I love you"? Am I being ridiculous to make such a big deal out of them talking on the phone?
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
She basically refuses to stop talking to the OM and I told her that if she wants to continue talking to the OM, she would have to leave. The OM has a spare empty house for her to stay in. She slept on the sofa last night. I'm starting to think I shouldn't have said anything. The night before was so much better.
"Better," how? Ken, "peace" is not the absence of conflict. You stood up for yourself, and you were absolutely right to do so. If she reacts poorly to that, then that is her choice, but you still did the right thing.
One of the misconceptions about DBing, in my opinion, is the "Do what works" thing. The problem is that people mis-define "works" as being "what doesn't make her/him angry" and "what makes her/him act nice towards me." Instead of as "what moves me further along down the path toward a mutually-healthy and committed marriage."
Sometimes one has to take a short-term "hit" in the "nice" department in order to solidify a healthier, longer-term gain.
A question - Is it possible for my wife and the OM to "just be friends"? They supposedly are not seeing each other any more. Suppose they stop telling each other "I love you"? Am I being ridiculous to make such a big deal out of them talking on the phone?
Ken,
BEST case, theirs is a one-sided love/EA, where this man is in love with your wife and pursuing her. So, in this case, do you REALLY think it would be emotionally healthy for you to live in a marriage where your wife carries on a friendship with such a man? Would YOU feel safe in such a relationship?
You have stated what your boundary is. ("I will not live in an open marriage.") Even IF this were "just a friendship" (and I don't think either one of us believes that it is, do you?) -- Your wife has, in effect, chosen to place that friendship ahead of her marriage, which is just plain WRONG.
Thanks so much for that answer, Puppy Dog Tails. I needed that reassurance. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and right now I am definitely taking the "hit". It's so hard not to think that I should leave well enough alone. But so many on here are saying the same thing (that I should stand up for myself) and I certainly don't want to become a statistic three or six months down the road.
While she is venting and fuming should I just leave her alone? I really don't know what to say to her right now. I kind of exploded last night and when I went to see her on the sofa, she looked at me and said, "What?!" I just said, "I just wanted to say 'good morning' and I'm sorry about last night".
My wife is asking for a divorce and I don't completely understand why.
Thanks so much for that answer, Puppy Dog Tails. I needed that reassurance. This is the hardest thing I have ever done and right now I am definitely taking the "hit". It's so hard not to think that I should leave well enough alone.
It wasn't "well enough," Ken. She was (and is) cheating on you.
I really don't know what to say to her right now. I kind of exploded last night and when I went to see her on the sofa, she looked at me and said, "What?!" I just said, "I just wanted to say 'good morning' and I'm sorry about last night".
YOU SAID THIS TO HER????
And that's exactly what you have done in the past, Ken, and it's enabling, and that sort of "pleasing/supplicating/rescuing" behavior has led to your current marital state. How's that workin' out for ya? (Dr. Phil)
YES, YOU LEAVE HER ALONE. If she says anything to you, you say "I'm sorry you feel that way."
Look, Ken, if you have an angry outburst, then apologize for your anger. And certainly, if you do something genuinely wrong, then apologize for THAT. But DO NOT apologize for fighting for your marriage, nor your boundary of "I will not live in an open marriage."
This supplicating behavior of yours not only DOESN'T WORK, I can assure you, she sees it as WEAK and UNATTRACTIVE.
