I am going to suggest you STOP DBing for a little while and ONLY focus on you. YOU have spent the last year (?) trying to do everything right to fix your H and your marriage... and its hurting you. Leave H to his own world. Be nice, Be civil... but let him go. That stupid cliche... if you love something...
IMHO - you need to ONLY focus on you. Your health - mental and physical - so you can be the best YOU possible. Thats what DBing is really about. Its not about becoming the person your WAS will want to come back to. Its about becoming an amazing Anne and if H see's he's a jackass and comes back - YOU get to decide if thats what you want/deserve.
How often are you in IC? I went 2X/week for the first several months - I had ALOT of my own crap to work through. I needed to get my stuff together and get to a good place mentally. Clean the slate if you will. Work on your self image issues, control issues,communication issues, health issues, and get yourself whole. You can't be a partner to anyone else unless you are a whole you... and I think you would agree that you aren't that these days. I think we can all see that.
Stop worrying about what H is/isn't doing, what he is/isn't thinking, how he is/isn't feeling... quite honestly ... what other people think is none of your business!!!
I would suggest you read "Love Must be Tough" and "Boundaries" and I wish I had a good recommendation for a book on communication but hopefully someone else will throw one in
You need to heal you - mentally and physically! My hope and belief is that if you do that - TRULY heal you - the right things will be on the other side of that journey. If H is that thing for you - he will be there - if not.... something better will be.
Don't make decisions from fear. Courage is feeling the fear.. but forging ahead anyway. Don't let your fears be the reason you do anything - they can be very deceiving.
HUGS!
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
TTA, I think your sadness for H is a clear sign of what a GOOD EMPATHETIC person you are. Don't beat yourself up for being that... its an excellent personal quality!! Just keep meeting your own EN's - and being civil to H. He does seem to be looking for you to meet his - and you just can't right now. Maybe you can think of it as lending money. A friend comes to you and is in desperate need to borrow some cash. You feel terrible for that person, understand their situation etc, but you simply do not have the extra money to give, so you say no. You would NEVER take out a loan yourself to give $ to that person, right? IF you had the extra cash you would, but you aren't going to put yourself at risk for them.... Now substitute your emotional well being with $. You only have enough "emotional cash" to pay your bills right now. You don't have any extra to lend to H. Does that make any sense??
I posted this for someone else but I thought it might help you too - You can't lend what you don't have.... I think you might be "bankrupt" emotionally.... you're maxed out... time to start re-filling the coiffers before you give any more....
T
ME28,WAH30, M 5YRS, T 7YRS ,OW/ILYBNILY/SEP 9/09 Served with D papers 6/6/10 Current
I went ahead and asked my husband to take over our finances and he agreed. However, now he is complaining that I am "making" him do this and he doesn't want to do it and I'm just throwing it at him.
I complied a spreadsheet and notes on everything and we sat down for about an hour and he seemed fine and now all he is doing is complaining that he doesn't know where anything is or how to do it.
I realized that the finances probably were a big stress for me and that is why I asked him to take over. In exchange he asked me to do the laundry and dishes and I agreed.
How should I handle this? He is making me feel bad, like I am forcing him to do it. Should I take it back
I have been working on concentrating on myself but something has happened and I'm not sure what to do.
For my husband's job he has a lot of cash - he makes almost half his money in tips. I have always just trusted that he is showing me the money so we can do our bills.
The other day when I was watching TV, out of the corner of my eye I saw him walk into our basement with some money. He quickly went down, didn't say anything. At the time I did not say anything to him. But yesterday, when he was gone I went down stairs and looked through some of his piles of stuff and found $600 cash hidden away. It appears he has been saving up money.
This is greatly concerning to me. I have not said anything to him because I guess he has the right to save up money if he wants and that isn't any of my business - except, now of course I am all worried because of his past history (meeting with prositutes, having an affair, etc).
It's not like he is saving for a video game - its $600.
My question - should I confront him and ask him what the money is for or just ignore it. If I ignore it and then one day see it is gone should I ask where it went?
I understand from previous posts that I can be controlling and I am aware of that. But its very hard not to be suspicous and snoopy when your husband has lied so many times! I'm not going to be taken advantage of again!
