Goodfight, before you can even begin to deal with your H you have to get control of the only person you can control, yourself. You can't help your H through this, he has to figure it out for himself. If your H is going through a MLC, even getting back on his meds consistantly for his depression will probably not bring him home. This is a journey he has to complete and trying to interrupt it will just add time to it.
You are trying to come at it like your H is the rational person he was before this started. He's not, and won't be for a long time. It's all about him right now and it doesn't matter who gets hurt as he plows through. Try not to take his spew personally, it's really not about you, you didn't cause this and you can't fix it. Your H is trying to outrun the pain and find happiness. He doesn't realize yet that happiness comes from within and that shedding all the external responsibility (you and kids)isn't going to make him happy. Again, he will have to figure it out himself. Telling him these things will not help and backfire by making him angry and push him farther away.
As far as your children are concerned right now, you're it. There is no one to back you up. You are the guide that will get them through this. They will be watching you closely to see how you handle all this and it will be a life lesson for them. It isn't fair or easy, but it's up to you to make it a positive one. Yes, it is life altering for all of you, but you have to dig down for the strength to pave the way that sees you all through.
Give your H what he wants. Back off, no contact unless absolutely necessary. If you have to contact your H about kids or finances, keep it brief, simple and non personal. If you're always present he won't have a chance to see what life is like without you.
Do not bring up your R. Let your H initiate any convos about that. Listen and validate what he's says by saying you understand he feels that way. Do not try to defend yourself or reason with him as you would make more progress by repeatedly banging your head against the wall. Validating doesn't mean you agree with him, it just means that you understand those are his feelings right now. He will rewrite your marital history to justify his actions. Do not try and set him straight, just validate.
During your H's journey you have a choice to make. You can either spin and let your H's antics continue to depress and bring you down or you can grab yourself by the bootstraps, pick yourself up, dust off and use this opportunity for yourself. Get a plan and course of action. Change those things that you don't like when you look into the mirror. Use this time to figure out what YOU want. Get to the place where you know that you will be better than OK no matter how your sitch turns out.
I know this is hard and you didn't ask for it, but it is your choice as to what you do with it. It can either defeat you or make you stronger. That is the power you have in this.
