What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[gatsby11]

Hey Piano!

I didn't realize there were two books! (I'm such a newbie here.) So I had only flipped through the DB one. Today at the book store I actually skimmed the DR one for an hour until I was done. Good stuff, except it seemed like a lot of it was for couples who still lived together. I can't even imagine. That would be so hard.

Anyway, about your question/reservation: I did email him back to say that I was no longer was sure if I wanted divorce, so I was going to push it off 'till after the birth. I said if he had a problem with it to let me know. I didn't think he'd say anything back and he hasn't. So, yeah, it is stupid that I wrote initiating the talk and then after he said "okay", i wrote back to say I didn't want it anymore. But it's how it happened. I don't think I ruined anything too much. He's gone back and forth and up and down so. . .

I just had to send an email to his mom explaining why I thought about divorce. She's another person who doesn't want us to divorce, but I didn't let her know that was in my mind, so she was surprised.

Maybe it is splitting hairs, but (and this is what I explained to her) I don't see divorce as an obstacle to he and I being together. I completely saw divorce as financial protection for myself and this baby! He was soooo out of his mind, not talking to any old friends, acting like a new person, etc, that I didn't feel like I could trust him to help me in two months. Now that he has committed financially and seems to have mentally stabilized a good deal, I am okay with just having a contract. So, yeah. I've explained a lot about that now.

All right, old times now. When he told me he wanted to leave. . . well, at first, I don't think I understood. Either that or I denied it, I don't know. So he had to tell me a few times. (that's why I say "finally understood" on my signature!) When I finally understood, I tried to reason only. Since we had always resolved our disputes through (usually) calm conversation, I pointed out all of his logical flaws. But that only lasted two conversations, honestly. Then I moved out and we started talking only logistics. (I did feel better pointing out all the flaws. At the end of the 2nd convo, he said I could have been right and that he was going to think about it. It was good to feel heard, even though it didn't change his actions at all.)

There was one email I sent when I said something like he was my best friend, he was the main person I wanted to tell about all of this, and why couldn't he stop it. He didn't respond to that email.

And then right before we went fully dark, I sent him an email that said I loved him. I know, not a DB thing. But I meant it, and I don't regret it. i said I loved him and I wished this all wasn't happening. (I had just denied him some money and he was mad at me.) He didn't reply to that, either.

One part I really liked in the DR book was the section on midlife crises and how they could happen at any age. That chapter was exactly our situation. And her emphasis was definitely GAL, so I think I'm on the right track with that. Thanks for saying I don't sound needy, Piano, because I have really tried not to be. I think one thing I've learned through this thing is that I have more self-confidence than I ever thought. I do believe he's missing out not being with me, and I also believe that someday he will realize that. (This year? Next year? When he's forty-freakin-five and I'm hopefully married again?)

I also think that what really helped me was changing locations. I didn't want to stay in the apartment that he and I shared because it had too many memories. I had my low period at his sister's, and then my new place was MY place! I really feel for folks who have to stay in the same place. And as I wrote before, those who live with their WSpouses. That has to take such major self-control, wow.

I can tell I'm tired because that's when I don't stop talking. So I should go. bye!