Not sure if you're still even reading here Mike....
As Rob will tell you, manning up is NOT being as ass to your wife because of her indiscretions.
And the opposite of manning up is not giving your spouse a free pass for cross country sex with another person.
If you seriously believe that this romp in the hay will bring healing to your marriage, you are seriously deluded. But time will tell.
One final note. In the future, it is helpful to those who offer their thoughts if you share the WHOLE picture of what's going on and what has gone on in the past. Your past indiscretions and your experience as swingers certainly adds a twist to what has taken place.
That being said, I still tend to go with the old adage that "two wrongs do NOT make a right."
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
I acted very similarly to you in my sitch. The OM in my case was very far away, and my W went on several trips to be with him. She was planning on her first trip while she was still living in our family home with me and our kids. I did stop that one by telling her if she went she wasn't welcome back in the house. I felt so weak at the time, I only took that stand at the encouragement of a friend, and guess what, it worked. She backed down, and not only that, for the first time in a long time she looked at me with a glimmer of attraction and respect. But as these things usually go, she talked with OM on the phone, got her strength back, then pushed back on me, and I caved. She moved out and a few weeks later flew to meet OM. As robx says, at that point my M was over. I just didn't know it.
I stepped aside and let it happen, as you are doing. My W even gave me opportunities to stop her, but I was too weak. A few days before she left to see OM the first time she called me in tears, saying she just wanted to come home and sleep in our bed. I needed to be strong and tell her "You will never sleep in that bed again until I'm convinced you are back to stay." Instead I was weak and said something like "If that's where your feelings are leading you, you can come back and find out." Pathetic. That was all she needed to hear and her anxiety was reduced. The next day I got intel that she told OM that her apprehension was subsiding and he could look forward to having her. Wow! I was continually shocked how my love and understanding was translated by her into more and more attraction to OM. Now I understand it was because my love and understanding eased her anxiety and insecurity, allowing her to commit all her energies to her A with OM. That anxiety and insecurity is exactly what you need to feed and stir and amplify! She will hate it and will get angry to try to get you to back off, but you should only see that as an indication that it's working. Think about in the wild when a weaker animal feels threatened. They know they have no chance against a bigger and stronger opponent, but they puff themselves up and show their teeth and put on quite a threatening show, but it's all bluff. They're just hoping their opponent buys it. Don't.
I did the same stuff as you, worked on myself, showed her how much better I was, and just like in your case, our R improved. I thought I was doing so well. We were friendly and loving toward each other, but guess what? It didn't change her interest in OM one bit. Not one bit. She appreciated how much we could help and support each other, and enjoyed our family time with our kids, but all her true passion was directed right at OM. It ripped my ego to shreds. Don't let it happen to you.
As robx says, this is it. This is your last stand.
One of the best printed responses I have seen since being here.
Been there too.
The word Mike is: enabling.
You're gonna lose this one Mike. You're gonna lose.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
One of the best printed responses I have seen since being here.
Thanks. I felt it was important to be blunt. I was surprised at the ramifications, for me, of even typing that. It stirred up my repressed anger for days afterwards.
One of the best printed responses I have seen since being here.
Thanks. I felt it was important to be blunt. I was surprised at the ramifications, for me, of even typing that. It stirred up my repressed anger for days afterwards.
Thanks for the quote. Realize if Mike never reads it I did and I realize now from Rob and you I am getting close to 'the last stand' myself.
I never realized how much these WAW scripts play out again and again. Only wish I had found this place a year ago. I'd be in a better place today...
