She Say's She Want's Out Of The Marriage

[robx]

and in case you were wondering, the answer is you don't have to validate that argument, it's silly, just ask her what she did to help with the situation and then take the discussion from there. If she starts an argument just tell her, I'm not here to argue with you, I asked you a question, if you can't answer it, then don't think I'm going to sit here and listen to you blame me for our financial situation, you're an adult just like me, you could have helped with this just as much as i did but as it stands you're just complaining and that won't help so this discussion is over until you're ready to talk like an adult.

[tbart01]

robx this crap is hard as he!!. I wan't to argue back just like you say, but all the advice we get on here says not to. I get the impression we're supposed to treat the WAW with kid gloves. I don't wan't to sit there and take the blame for something that isn't all my fault.

All I keep hearing is validate, validate, validate. doesn't that mean sit there like a little b!tch and take the blame for everything? We don't have to leave our spines behind while we have this talk with them?

I know almost everything she throws is going to have a very valid rebuttal, but where do i draw the line?

[tbart01]

Do I even bring up the fact that I know she was planning this before I left? I know I'm going to want to mention this at some point, but will it set me back.

I was chatting with my D14 last night and she mentioned that my W had told her at one point that our problems were not fixable. How do you tell a 14 year old that.

My D14 sees that I'm trying, but she's telling me not to carry on with this if it's so painfull. How can my D really want me to give up. She sees how hard I'm trying to do the right things, and she respects me for that.

This crap really hurts.

[g450]

OK, I am in no possition to give advice. I sometimes dont even follow my own advice. But damn the torpedos I will anyway.

I would show your daughter that you are stronger than her mother. Reasure her that no matter what happens, things will be OK. And let her know you are not giving up. At the same time though, do not show your D any disrespect towards her mother. That will make you look weak and petty. Be the better person.

Let both your W and D know that you plan on fighting for your marriage because for you it's the right thing to do. And that you feel that anything can be fixed. It's never too late. Follow your own concience.

Remember, your W needs to find some justification for her actions and she may actually start believing all the BS she is spewing out even just to make herself feel better and aleviate her own guilt.

With that said, do not argue or yell. Take your time. Dont be aggressive but be firm and in control of yourself. Let both of them see that part of you. Think about what you are going to say before you say it.

Show your W that you can deal with the issues in a civil way. Keep yourself approachable to her and open to discussion. If she gets disrespecfull then walk away and tell her that you will not talk to her if she is going to be disrepectful or baiting. Validate her feelings but do not take blame for everythig she throws at you as being your fault. Just validate how you can "understand how she feels that way."

You havent gotten a response in a while so figured I would throw that at you. Night shifts are a bit boring at times.
Just remember, sometimes free advice is worth what you pay for it.

[steady]

Here's another question. When I get home and we finally have our talk, she's going to bring up finances. She's going to blame me for the fact that we're not where she'd like to be financialy.

Yup. You can pretty much count on her blaming you for everything. Including how long the winter lasted and the amount of rain that came down. But it will only be bad things you get to be blamed for.

We live well, have allot of things, but savings is scarce.

She's brought up money to others and she blames me. Last time I checked everything we have is in both our names, so obviously we both bought the stuff. Unfortunately, things have come up that we've had to use savings for. Her self employment went under, she's been fired three times.

Obviously where we're at or not at financialy isn't all my fault. My question would be, how do you validate that one when she brings it up?

You don't validate it just as robx has said. You don't validate bullshite when it doesn't match the facts. The thing you validate are things that are perspectives that can be seen from their point of view. Here's an example:

I feel like you were never here for me - "Yes. There were times I wasn't there for you. I feel bad about that and I'm working on being a better me."

You spent $5,000 in the past month. (you didn't) - "No I didn't. Can you show me where that number came from"

The reason we have no money is your fault. - Can you show me how you think it's my fault?

The thing is, you can't prove or disprove someone else's feelings. Feelings aren't facts, they're just feelings. Whether they are justifiable or not is a different story. So it makes no sense to argue with a feeling. This you validate. Validation doesn't mean you believe it. It just means you see they believe it.

If you see what they are feeling is true, then you apologize, you change yourself, you move on.

You need to pick and choose the battles. But don't let her feed you bs without calling her on it. Believe me, I made that mistake for too long...and it didn't help me at all.

[steady]

Do I even bring up the fact that I know she was planning this before I left? I know I'm going to want to mention this at some point, but will it set me back.

What's your intention for doing this? I say it's a 'rub your face into shite' kind of move? What would it benefit you or your family?

I was chatting with my D14 last night and she mentioned that my W had told her at one point that our problems were not fixable. How do you tell a 14 year old that.

Don't believe anything they say. She will say all kinds of shite. What would you think she would say? Oh, our problems are fixable, but I don't want to stay. (Wow that makes me look a selfish, callous, biatch. I guess I can't even entertain that thought at all lest I be called a homewrecker)

My W looked into her crystal ball and told me, "I know we could never have a husband/wife kind of relationship." lol Of course not. The wife half isn't there anymore...lmao.

She tells your daughter that to assuage her guilt. They don't care who they step on to feel better. She tells your daughter that in an attempt to convince your daughter things are not fixable. If she can get everyone to believe that, then they will agree with her - obviously if it ain't fixable, then it needs to be thrown out. So if everyone believes that, then no one will question her, they will all be behind her and she won't have to experience any guilt.

They build up a fantasy where their knight in shining armor swoops in and puts them on the white horse. They get to keep the house and the money, both families get along better than they ever did, you and her become best buddies, and she finds a relationship with absolutely no problems....LMAO.

Chase that rainbow. Just make sure you top off the tank first.

My D14 sees that I'm trying, but she's telling me not to carry on with this if it's so painful. How can my D really want me to give up. She sees how hard I'm trying to do the right things, and she respects me for that.

This crap really hurts.

Now slap yourself in the face. One more time. Yes it hurts, yes it sucks. Feel it, then let it go. Your daughter is only 14 and she's going to be very confused. She's going to say things off the cuff, things she doesn't mean but she feels in this moment. Just reassure her you will always be there for her.

Validate her too. Most of the time kids just want to know you understand what they are feeling and why they are feeling it.

Like it was mentioned before - don't slam your spouse to your D. Your W will likely do it to you. Don't use them as pawns or as a means to 'slip' some information to your W.

[tbart01]

I'm just going through a really tough period right now. I see what I need to do more clearly now as far as the conversation. I now know the difference between validate and stand up for myself. i will in no way lay there like a door mat. i will call the B.S firmly and without anger. I have not at any point during this lost my cool

One thing my D can attest to is the fact that I have not once said anything negative to her about my W. I have let my D know on multiple occasions that I'm always going to be there for her. the problem is I'm not there right now, and that's killing me.

I have made it very clear to my D that I intend to fight for this marriage. It is very fixable, but it will eventually take both of us. Right now there's just one that wants to save it, and that's why my D worries about me. I know that I can do the right thing.

I just want to get this dang deployment over with, so I can stop wondering what is going on. i want to be able to face this crap for real.

This is by far the most difficult thing I've ever had to go through. Going through marriage problems isn't something I recommend in a combat zone.

I'm really trying to keep it together right now, but it's becoming very difficult.

[robx]

robx this crap is hard as he!!. I wan't to argue back just like you say, but all the advice we get on here says not to. I get the impression we're supposed to treat the WAW with kid gloves. I don't wan't to sit there and take the blame for something that isn't all my fault.

All I keep hearing is validate, validate, validate. doesn't that mean sit there like a little b!tch and take the blame for everything? We don't have to leave our spines behind while we have this talk with them?

I know almost everything she throws is going to have a very valid rebuttal, but where do i draw the line?

actually tbart, I told you that you DON'T have to argue with her, you can still make your point but leave it at that.

[robx]

robx this crap is hard as he!!. I wan't to argue back just like you say, but all the advice we get on here says not to. I get the impression we're supposed to treat the WAW with kid gloves. I don't wan't to sit there and take the blame for something that isn't all my fault.

All I keep hearing is validate, validate, validate. doesn't that mean sit there like a little b!tch and take the blame for everything? We don't have to leave our spines behind while we have this talk with them?

I know almost everything she throws is going to have a very valid rebuttal, but where do i draw the line?

I'm not a big fan of this validating idea.
And no it doesn't mean sit there like a little bitch and take the blame for everything, that would suck and your human and you could only keep that up for so long until you exploded and unloaded back on her twice as much as she gave you.

You could say "yeah I agree with you, financially it would be great to be in a better position but I'm only one person and couldn't do it all by myself, I needed help, everyone does, you're an adult, you were with me the whole time, you could have helped, you could have been more on top of this just as much as I could have been, I won't take 100% of the blame for this, just like our relationship, there is a dual responsibility involved here, not just single."

[robx]

Do I even bring up the fact that I know she was planning this before I left? I know I'm going to want to mention this at some point, but will it set me back.

I was chatting with my D14 last night and she mentioned that my W had told her at one point that our problems were not fixable. How do you tell a 14 year old that.

My D14 sees that I'm trying, but she's telling me not to carry on with this if it's so painfull. How can my D really want me to give up. She sees how hard I'm trying to do the right things, and she respects me for that.

This crap really hurts.

You speak to your wife and tell her that you are documenting all this crap that she talks to your daughters about, your relationship problems are between you & your wife, she is causing them unnecessary pain & damage by giving them these kinds of details, tell her it's disrespectful to talk about the marriage issues with the kids when you're not there and she needs to stop.