The latest with me

[ImprovedRomeo]

I just got back from mtn biking and I'm beat! I was flying on the downhill sections to the point that I thought I was going to crash really bad but the uphill sections killed me. I've been feeling feverish all day so that didn't help either and it was hot out! Got to see some cute girls walking and hiking on the trails in shorts and tanks! Too bad, the while W thing was still on my mind...ugh! to make it worse I was feeling less angry at her and wanting to talk to her. I guess when I'm out and it's so beautiful outside I really miss my DD and W hoping they were with me to enjoy the scenery.

I've got to clean up a bit, do the laundry, do the dishes, fix some dinner and watch a movie on Netflix. The books I was waiting for are here but I don't even feel like reading them, what's the point? I have sort of this 'my cat died today' gloominess over me the last couple of days.

I need a girlfriend...any volunteers?

FM, give me some ideas what you mean by specific?

[flowmom]

I see you didn't exactly fuss over your own health today . Sounds like you had fun though.

I guess when I'm out and it's so beautiful outside I really miss my DD and W hoping they were with me to enjoy the scenery.

I can really relate to that.

FM, give me some ideas what you mean by specific?

Your good things were very generic "good dad", "good friend". Try to be more specific: "I'm the kind of dad who creates great memories for my child", "I'm the kind of friend whose shoulder you can cry on".

[mindfull]

Romeo:

Sorry, I haven't been around much, but here's my catch-up!

I've been waiting for an update all day but she didn't send me anything. This makes me upset. I was going to offer my help if she needs me for anything etc and was going to tell her to call me on my cell anytime at night if needed. sigh! I'll send her an email anyway...

Did ask her to update you? If the school said she was ok, and when your W picked her up she was ok, she was probably ok... If you want an update, either ask for one, or, call her!

So it's almost 9pm and DD's usually she calls me by now to say goodnight.

Can I offer a suggestion? Why don't you call HER at nights? Then it takes burden off of the parent who has her, and you don't sit around waiting for a call, building resentment, if you don't receive one. If they're not home, or if it's not convenient to talk, leave a message and ask for a return call.

This is the sort of carelessness that irks me.

This probably wouldn't have been my first choice for evening activities w/a borderline sick child either, BUT you're not in charge of her at the the time, and you can't see how she's feeling. And, don't fuss over a missed bedtime or two. It happens, and if it doesn't, you're too rigid! HOWEVER, if something happens that is really harming D6 and/or not good for her mental and/or physical health, it's entirely your business. None of the above is, frankly. SORRY! HUGS

I have gone dark as much as I can but only out of anger. Last night the whole episode almost got out of hands and I backslid a lot. After her text i called her to talk to DD and she didn't answer which pissed me off so I called again and again back to back and she still didn't answer. I almost texted her back saying 'how about I come pick DD up so you can party all night' but I didn't. I was still huffing and puffing over it when 10 mins later my phone rings and it's my DD saying she's in the car getting ready to go home. It calmed me down after I talked to DD but I'm sure STBX was upset at my phone calling and I probably verified that I'm too controlling...why did I do this? I have no clue some of it was probably ego that she wasn't answering me and some of it was I didn't know how DD was and some of it was the unknown of what she could possibly be talking about for 5+ hours with those people (parents of another kid at my DD's school), are they lawyers? is she trying to get a job where they may work etc etc. Last night was bad, couldn't sleep well all these thoughts running through my mind.

Romeo, this is all so totally unhealthy for your SELF. You need to find SO MANY other things to fill your time!!! I understand, more than anyone, being separated from my D (my D18 saw her alcoholic father fairly frequently growing up, and I worried NON-STOP), but you have to LET IT GO. Unless Mom is a BAD MOM, let it go, and enjoy yourself.

I just got back from mtn biking and I'm beat!

Now, this I want to hear more about! I'd love to learn to mountain bike! I used to LOVE spin classes!!! If I could couple that feeling on the bike w/being outside, BONUS!

I need a girlfriend...any volunteers?

No, you don't. You need to learn to love yourself first. You need to learn to enjoy time by yourself first. You need interest in doing things w/others (not your W and/or D) by yourself first.

And, think about this... what kind of girlfriend wants a boyfriend obsessing about how he looks to his W and what his daughter is doing. not doing, all day?

You have some work to do, oh Romeo.... What a great baseline to build from, though! A loving, caring, smart, guy, w/a gorgeous little girl.

You can do this!

[ImprovedRomeo]

Did ask her to update you? If the school said she was ok, and when your W picked her up she was ok, she was probably ok... If you want an update, either ask for one, or, call her!

Yes I suppose I just thought it was common courtesy to update the parent who was worried about the kid.

Can I offer a suggestion? Why don't you call HER at nights? Then it takes burden off of the parent who has her, and you don't sit around waiting for a call, building resentment, if you don't receive one. If they're not home, or if it's not convenient to talk, leave a message and ask for a return call.

I usually do and this time she wouldn't answer the phone which is what made me upset.

This probably wouldn't have been my first choice for evening activities w/a borderline sick child either, BUT you're not in charge of her at the the time, and you can't see how she's feeling. And, don't fuss over a missed bedtime or two. It happens, and if it doesn't, you're too rigid! HOWEVER, if something happens that is really harming D6 and/or not good for her mental and/or physical health, it's entirely your business. None of the above is, frankly. SORRY! HUGS

I guess I'm protective of my DD and it's hard to letit go but I realize what you guys are saying and I need to work on it.

Romeo, this is all so totally unhealthy for your SELF. You need to find SO MANY other things to fill your time!!! I understand, more than anyone, being separated from my D (my D18 saw her alcoholic father fairly frequently growing up, and I worried NON-STOP), but you have to LET IT GO. Unless Mom is a BAD MOM, let it go, and enjoy yourself.

I realize it but to me she's not the best mom to do this in the first place. Yes I'm angry at her right now.

No, you don't. You need to learn to love yourself first. You need to learn to enjoy time by yourself first. You need interest in doing things w/others (not your W and/or D) by yourself first.

And, think about this... what kind of girlfriend wants a boyfriend obsessing about how he looks to his W and what his daughter is doing. not doing, all day?

You have some work to do, oh Romeo.... What a great baseline to build from, though! A loving, caring, smart, guy, w/a gorgeous little girl.

You can do this!

Maybe not a girlfriend but a female pal. Sometimes I really wish I had someone I could talk to or go out to movies with etc. Someone I could hug - damn! so much for trying to be like Clint Eastwood lol

I really don't have a problem being by myself and alone. I am alone most of the time, I was alone for 2.5 years before - will I survive on my own? will I go out and do things alone? yes, sure but is this how I want to be for the foreseeable future? no, that's not me. I know some people choose to be single and celebist forever but that's not me.

[ImprovedRomeo]

I have D6 today, I got up late (7:30AM) and was feeling feverish so I stayed in bed and started reading the Abandonment book. Around 8:30A STBXW texts me saying DD's up and if I want to go pick her up or if I wanted her to drop her off. I texted back saying I wasn't feeling well but I should be able to get ready and go pick her up unless she wanted to drop her off. Of course, she responds with 'if you want I can keep her today. Just a thought'. I responded back saying 'thanks but I really want to hang out with her - I'll be there in 40 mins'.

I get there and DD doesn't want to go with me, she kept saying she wanted to stay with mommy, then she starts crying etc. Another 15 mins and finally I was able to get her in the car after a quick walk with her around the block. STBXW had already gone in and then DD started crying in the car. I just kept acknowledging her wanting mommy and feeling sad. We went to the urban farm she got to see the animals. She loved the baby goats that were just born a few hours before we got there. Then we went to IKEA for lunch (it's a swedish furniture store with a cafe inside).

While eating I noticed DD was staring at something. I turned around and didn't see anything and out of the blue she said "family picture daddy". I turned around and noticed it was a drawing of mom, dad and two kids. I felt so broken inside but I just gave her a gentle smile. Then as we were leaving she turned around and said 'I saw mommy' - I said 'no sweetie mommy's not here' and she said 'Ohh!'

Then on the way home again she kept saying 'daddy I want to see mommy today, I only wanted to do fun things with you and sleep at mommy's house'.

Anyway, we're home. She's drawing, coloring etc, I read her a couple of books already. We'll go bike ride later...still have to fold the laundry and fix dinner etc.

Tomorrow back to the daily grind...

EDIT: forgot to mention that when I went to pick DD up a minivan was in the driveway and it was the other lady. I guess she's found a roomate who's doing the same to her husband...good company she's in.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Questions on my mind today:

1. Her b.day is coming up in 2 weeks, should I just say H.Bday through email/text and nothing else? or get her a little something? Invite her to dinner etc.

2. Should I offer her a chance to come and talk to me about the issues so I can validate her? I didn't do this last time we talked. Like a dumb person I tried to make her see it my way and ended up doing all the talking...

3. Changing gears completely, should I file for D and be the 'aggresor' (going with gucci's philosophy). It could back fire in how she percieves it and then makes me pay for it literally in terms of alimony, child support etc

Keep in mind I've gone dark grey on her and haven't really seen or spoken to her other than the 3 or 4 times when exchanging DD and even then I just focus on DD not her. I don't know if it's made any difference. She's always 'nice' to me, keeps a straight face and hard to tell what she's thinking or doing in the background. She's sneaky like that...

[alice444]

Ok, phew! This may be the last time I leave the forums for 2 1/2 days! It takes so long to catch up with my friends ;-) I have read all your stuff, but feel it's most useful to respond to the latest b/c I think you got some good (but maybe hard to hear) advice from folks already on the older stuff. Btw, where are those last 2 things? I think you have to start majorly undoing and combatting the negative stuff in your head (remember, we're very similar, so I know of what I speak) to catch up and balance it out with good stuff you haven't been telling yourself. To me you sound like a great guy, but it doesn't sound like you remember that all the time- or you see everything through the prism of starting every potentially positive thought with "she doesn't seem to care about me anymore, so...." and it probably negates whatever comes after that. Am I close? I don't know how tuned in to your thinking you are- maybe start to try to pay attention to that little gremlin in your head.

Questions on my mind today:

1. Her b.day is coming up in 2 weeks, should I just say H.Bday through email/text and nothing else? or get her a little something? Invite her to dinner etc.

Oh boy, I had to start with a hard one. I don't know what to tell you to do. On the one hand, I think inviting her to dinner is too much- I don't know why I think that, but I do. It is possible you could be a little sneaky and show her you remembered by helping DD do something for her mommy- make a card, etc. She will know you helped but it doesn't put you out there too far. I wouldn't get her a gift if it were me. My gut says to be very casual and offhand about it- she knows you know it is her birthday, so it doesn't hurt to mention it, like at the end of the day "hope you had a good day" and leave it at that.

2. Should I offer her a chance to come and talk to me about the issues so I can validate her? I didn't do this last time we talked. Like a dumb person I tried to make her see it my way and ended up doing all the talking...

Ok, I'd have to check back and see what issues she needs validating on and how long ago it was that you talked, who initiated it and how, etc. I think in general if you can honestly validate her on some things b/c you've done thinking on them yourself, that *at some point* it might, if nothing else, help you guys have a better relationship and give you a little peace, no matter what the R looks like. But you don't need to do it now. SR, you know I'm new to this, but again my gut says you've got a whirlwind going in your head and heart right now and maybe need to take some time to let it settle down before tackling something like this. Also, you mentioned your anger recently at her- that's probably not the best mindset to go in with if you feel that way. One of my favorite mantras from my therapist is: "You can... and you don't have to." Apply however it works to you :-)

3. Changing gears completely, should I file for D and be the 'aggresor' (going with gucci's philosophy). It could back fire in how she percieves it and then makes me pay for it literally in terms of alimony, child support etc

Keep in mind I've gone dark grey on her and haven't really seen or spoken to her other than the 3 or 4 times when exchanging DD and even then I just focus on DD not her. I don't know if it's made any difference. She's always 'nice' to me, keeps a straight face and hard to tell what she's thinking or doing in the background. She's sneaky like that...

Ugh, I'm out of my league on this. My H just amped up the process and is seeing L on Wednesday and I'm trying to act nonchalant, while being terrified. I do not know about being the aggressor. It's both hard and easy from an outsider's perspective to drop advice on you. Part of me who sees all you have to offer wants to tell you- yes file and be done with her (not very DB-like of me, is it?). She hasn't treated you well and you need to go heal yourself, nurture your DD and let W lead her life she's chosen- you're better off without her. The part of me that aches for my H, despite all the things I still haven't gotten from him, etc. etc. isn't so cynical and understands why you keep fighting. Again, I'm sorry, I need to check back and remind myself who initiated what. From your signature, it seems you are the one who chose to move out and once even filed for D? What does she say she wants now? What is her stated agenda to you? To remain separated for a long time? Does she intend to file?

The thing that pisses me off is that you and I are sitting around in this muck of "what should I do? what will that mean to them? what will they then do and what will that mean for my relationship????" My best friend said to me last night "You act like you're playing a chess game, Jaime- you are thinking so many moves ahead it's dizzying". And yet, I can't seem to help it and neither can you. But it makes me mad b/c it leaves us powerless.

Although I feel depressed, scared and somewhat powerless, I have to say it gave me a small amount of satisfaction to have my H wondering if I'm seeing someone (yeah right, then why am I the only one still wearing my ring?) and thinking I'm moving on. It made me feel just a little bit better- and the nice thing is that I wasn't trying to construct this fantasy or lie to trick him- all I was doing was trying to make MYSELF feel better and less powerless. Spending a tad bit less time obsessing about what he was thinking and planning and a little more on doing what made me happy and feel good. When you're so focused on the other, you can't possibly concentrate on putting yourself first and revolving everything you do around THAT instead of around THEM. Trust me, I question everything I'm doing, still, but that slight decrease in powerlessness can only be good for me, I think.

{{{{{{hugs to you}}}}}} and I hope you feel better soon.

[flowmom]

SR, I wish I could advise you on strategy, but I think it depends so much on the sitch and the individuals. I'm sure gucci's approach works in some cases, but it could make things worse in others.

About the birthday, I'd keep it to helping your D to buy her a gift and make a card. You could also invite her for a short visit to have cake with you and your D too...this would be mostly for D's benefit (it's important for children to see their parents' birthdays celebrated IMO).

[OldFool]

OK. A lot to say...and no time. My apologies for the brevity:

Back on picking up your D6. I'm confused about your previously stated concern over her staying up too late or not having a coat, yet when you say you are ill and have the opportunity to avoid exposing her to a sick person who is contagious/feverish (you!) by having her stay with your STBXW, you do everything to get her and re-expose her to whatever she gave you in the first place. This sounds a lot less like the "concern" you profess and more about something else a little more selfish. Perhaps you left out some info. that puts a difference slant on it, but from here, it doesn't look good.

1. Her b.day is coming up in 2 weeks, should I just say H.Bday through email/text and nothing else? or get her a little something? Invite her to dinner etc.

No. If your habit in the past was to ignore her BDay, then send her a simple HBD. Otherwise, getting her something or going to dinner is "pressure" and it is definitely not going dark (or even dark grey).

2. Should I offer her a chance to come and talk to me about the issues so I can validate her? I didn't do this last time we talked. Like a dumb person I tried to make her see it my way and ended up doing all the talking...

Whatever you're smoking must be good. I think you're too angry right now to actually successfully pull off that conversation (assuming it would be a good thing, even if you could).

3. Changing gears completely, should I file for D and be the 'aggresor' (going with gucci's philosophy). It could back fire in how she percieves it and then makes me pay for it literally in terms of alimony, child support etc

Egads! It's easier to do and will make you feel better for a while, but it will kill any chance you have. If that's what you want, then go for it. But be prepared for regret. Again, see an attorney, but don't file, don't drop the D bomb, etc. unless you are really ready for the result.

hard to tell what she's thinking or doing in the background

Get used to it. It's par for the course.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Jaime, FM and OF thanks for your thoughtful advice! It's nice to have your guys support. Also, don't worry about catching up on my posts...just the last post or two are really what I remember after a day or so (even about myself). lol.

Jaime, I know how you feel and your friend is right about the chess game analogy. I keep reminding myself I need to be nice yet to the point in my interactions but other than that I really shouldn't care what she does, how she feels about my actions etc. In practice I scrutinize my own actions am I being nice enough? not nice enough etc. Combating the negative stuff is hard. Besides, I'm the type who feels better if I can prepare myself for the worst and then hope for the best as opposed to a lot of people that only focus on the positive side of things. I hate getting caught off guard. Shifting your mind to positive thinking is what Dale Carnegie insists you do. When your mind has doubts your confidence wavers and it shows. I know I have to do better, the previous time things were pretty bad but in my mind I was committed to having her back and she did come back. This time I'm not sure if I want her back if she'll be the same way as last time so I'm having a tough time telling my mind to commit to her.

It sounds like helping DD make a card for W and then maybe getting a small cake on behalf of DD that says 'HBD mommy' would be more than enough - depending on if DD's already with her (then no cake) or if DD's with me and I drop her off or W picks her up.

Jaime, I'm not the one who left, the signature is about her actions. She moved out 3 times for 3 different reasons she gave me, used to be 'your anger is out of control', then it was 'you're too controlling' and the last one is 'you criticize me all the time' with a few other things thrown in the mix each time. She hasn't said what she wants other than "I've found a place to live so we're not always fighting in front of DD". It's intersting how she uses words like "always" and "never" when she wants to justify things to herself. That's all she wrote me in an email last time and when I got home she'd already moved a lot of her stuff. Then when I asked why she said "you're being mean to me and you always criticize me for everything". Partly true about criticizing; I am anal and structured - something that helps me at work but not at home and I try to be mindful of it but just can't seem to let go of it completely.

OF, LOL, I wish I was smoking something good. I'm upset at times and not so much at other times. It comes and goes in waves. I guess I won't. I'm just not sure if going dark gray has done anthing at all or if she takes it as if I don't give a damn about anything so she should just move forward with what she's doing.

As for me being sick and still keeping DD I didn't think about it that way because if we all lived together she wouldn't have another place to go stay. We don't share cups etc and take general precautions when sick. Also she's the one who gave me whatever she has. She brings home "the love" from the other kids at school. It's how it's always been. However, if I was really sick I wouldn't keep her because keeping her is exhausting work especially now because she misses her mom if she's not occupied and keeping her occupied is a fulltime job in itself.