If it weren't for having 2 or my own kids and someone else's kid living at my house I'd probably have thought of kicking her out. Just watching how she won't look me in the eye when we are in the same room is sooooo telling.
How do you tell the WAS to move out of the bedroom when you are trying to do a 180 and go dark?
Well you could do what I did to my H. While he was gone to work I moved all his clothes and stuff in the guest bedroom and had the master bedroom locked.
RW, That is absolutely priceless! You have Huge Stones!
I will really have to consider that as an option. I'll have to wait until I get good and fired up before I consider that option - the kids again being a major stumbling block in this whole process.
I do like the fact that I don't have to say a word, just change the locks...
At present I don't have much interaction with W other than cursory "hi" when we pass in hallway. Trying to be pleasant although I'd like to explode!
And, it was difficult for the kids. I took them aside one on one and explained that I was moving dad's stuff into the guest room because we were having issues in our R (which they already knew) and that I needed some space for myself for awhile. They seemed to be able to understand that. My kids are 15 and 13, with an 18 year old away at college.
It was one of the hardest things I've ever done, but it needed to be done, and it was effective. We are now piecing our M back together.
I agree with Rob about changing your interactions. If you truly are going LRT while in the same house (which is hard to do)then you need to be as dark as possible.
Robx, I will definitely cease with the 'hi' immediately and walk right past the W.
RW, We don't have the luxury or a guest bedroom but we do have a basement! I will talk to the kids and make sure they know what is going on. What did you say to your H when he came home to find his sh*t in the guest room? Or did he not say anything...? I am amazed the results you got. I want the same.
in the end TD I don't want you to be an a$$hole or a prick, you can smile, you can nod, just don't get brought down to her level, in fact you have to project that your level is a notch higher than hers, in fact that's where it is but you've been trying to match her at her level, this isn't a game of one-upmanship (if that's even a word), in the end you have to be better because that's your goal in life, always to be better.
This is her loss, her mistake, let her deal with it.
My H was furious at first... which lasted a few days. I got accused of being "reckless" because our kids' friends might see that he is in another room and then people might find out what is going on. I just looked at him and said, "you think I am the one being reckless?" He didn't say much after that. He did try the victim role after that for a bit, but soon just accepted it.
I wasn't doing LRT so I still had quite a bit of interaction with H. I made a point of being cheerful but distant. I did my own thing, focused on the kids and tried to work on GAL and 180's. I set boundaries, but more with actions than words (eg. all the lights out, doors locked when H out late, stopped doing things for him I used to do, never contacted him unless I had to, stopped inviting him along when doing fun things with kids etc.)
I was an emotional wreck, devestated by what was going on... but I did not let that show to H. I counted on the support here to help me through that.
The point is to do things differently than what you were doing... it obviously wasn't working.
These things are counter-intuitive, but your best chance of turning things around. If you are like most of us here, you will find a strength within yourself you didn't even know you had.
in the end TD I don't want you to be an a$$hole or a prick, you can smile, you can nod, just don't get brought down to her level, in fact you have to project that your level is a notch higher than hers, in fact that's where it is but you've been trying to match her at her level, this isn't a game of one-upmanship (if that's even a word), in the end you have to be better because that's your goal in life, always to be better.
This is her loss, her mistake, let her deal with it.
RB: I don't want to be an a$$hole either, it is good to be reminded of that when seemingly always being set up or criticized.
The concept of integrity seems to be what you are getting to. Turning the other cheek so to speak. I'll keep in mind that this is her choice - her loss. It is not my job to lessen her guilt or remorse. She'll have to explain it to our kids!
don't let her openly disrespect you, if she says something rude, cruel or mean, never be afraid to call her on it, "that was disrespectful, I didn't deserve than and I expect an apology"
I don't care if she apologizes at all, you continue holding that line when she does something mean spirited or cruel. If she's been used to disrespecting you and doing it openly, you either remove yourself from the situations that allow that to happen or you call her on that crap behavior.
If she smartens up and apologizes, great, if she doesn't, her loss, just don't reward her behavior with your attention.
