Glad to read about your progress Kalni. Sexual tension...
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Thats great !! I am so happy to see you two spending more time together, building up positve new memories. WOW, to spend Easter with him, together, how exciting, I remember how significant time a year for that is and how sad you were the last 2 years with the way he acted then (leaving early to make calls etc).. but thats the PAST right? I hope you have some special moments doing your preparatons together, Much Love! Al xxx
PS: The date is definetly 10th July now.. you and H MUST come so tell him to book the time off now.... I dont care if its the worldcup :-)
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
It has been an uneventful weekend. I can feel a little resentment building up inside which is usually when I start a discussion. This time is about ....yeah, youe guessed it, sex!! It doesnt matter if I want it or not, I wish he did. K
My face cleared up fine. Not looking amazing, I mean the face is still the same after all, but I have fewer dark spots and I started the brightening therapy as well...
Kalni, do you think that your H picks up on your ambivalence about sex?
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
So, I started a discussion. It was a heated discussion. Not an easy one either. He says I am bringing up ghosts from the past when I ask about her. That there isnt just one way (meaning what I suggested about open discussions etc)to get over this. I told him he is selfish, he got really upset and wanted to know why. I told him "I have an issue, I know what I need, you tell me my way it's not the right one, I am telling you this IS the only way for ME, I should KNOW what I need, if you want to help me, try to be compassionate...". I also told him, he brought this woman into our M, he needs to help me kick her out.
We talked about sex. He said "we are not as close as he needs us to be to have sex". I asked how would he be feeling if he was in my shoes : having read all the sex details, having read SEX has been her number one argument why our M was failed and why their R was right, being left behind, accepting him back only to face this kind of rejection. He said, granted I believe him, he would accept the reasoning I would give him (about not being close yet)and that it's not that he doesnt find me attractive, sexy or whatever...
He said, I make him feel like his heart is "invalid", that he cant make me happy. I told him what he feels about himself, is his own problem, not mine. [He needs my reassurance that he is able to make me happy more than I thought possible, I believed all along that was exactly what she did... wonder why I cant give him that]
A lot more was said. He said he appreciates so much the days I am warm and giving to him. He said it satisfies him. He asked if what he does satisfies me... It took me some time to answer "It shocks me". He insisted and I said it makes me happy but it surprises me when he calls to chat and connect. He got realy upset and asked me "why do I have to ask you so many times to tell me I make you happy?". Clearly, I hanlded this poorly...
We fell asleep mad and frustrated. I told him I feel him resisting. He said he is not resisting at all. K
It is a two way street. He needs to know the good things, that they are there. That is what this new marriage needs to be built on, the new.
You can read in your post that you are still doing the same thing...bringing up pain for both of you. It is good to talk about what you need but quit bringing her into it. This isn't about her anymore, this is about the two of you together. Maybe time for a different approach on that. If you keep picking at a wound, it will never heal.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
