He's reaching out, but he's not doing the necessary work to get home. Talk is cheap...actions speak louder than words. It's okay to listen and validate his thoughts, etc., but don't buy into them until he's proven that he's working on himself and making every effort to prove to you that he wants to come home and be a better man, husband and father.
I can only tell you what I think from your postings.
He thinks I'm on a date tonight, lol!! (I had my hair done and said I was going out, when he came to get the kids). 6 text messages in 1 hour. It's amusing, anyways. Back to my movie, lol!
Oh, will the games NEVER end? He texted 8 more times, then had the kids (who are visiting him) call the home phone 2x, then my cell 2x. Of course I answered thinking someone was hurt!! No, just calling to say hi. Now another text from H -- "the kids wanted to call, otherwise they wouldn't have barged in on my night and all"... I feel rotten for not having H with me, rotten for being alone, rotten for not talking to my kids, WHY is this happening?
Now another text from H -- "the kids wanted to call, otherwise they wouldn't have barged in on my night and all"... I feel rotten for not having H with me, rotten for being alone, rotten for not talking to my kids, WHY is this happening?
DO NOT let this interrupt your evening...
DO NOT let this interrupt YOUR course....
This is for YOU right now....
For you to become the person you want to see in your future.
Let him spin right now...and find you...
These are dangerous things for YOU.
When a MLCer sees you having a life outside of sitting and pining for them, they will do things to suck you back into the drama they need to make THEM feel normal...
They want you right where they left you....
Misery loves company....you have been company enough for now....
If the fog lifts enough, then listen and validate, other than that...?????
I feel rotten for not having H with me, rotten for being alone, rotten for not talking to my kids, WHY is this happening?
Originally Posted By: was2sad
As for your H and the life you expected together forever, no one can promise anything when MLC strikes. No one could have seen it coming, sort of. There do seem to be several common themes early in life, and when they finally raise their ugly head late in life - we all wish had seen it coming a long time ago, move to another country, something. But here you are and this is real. So you need to stay real.
Although I stole this from another thread, it absolutely belongs here as well as an answer to your question/comment.
Originally Posted By: was2sad
We are moving on to the subject of cake eating now. MLCers want it both ways. The want the normal parts of their life that produce ZERO stress, responsibility or obligation of any kind. They want all the irrisponsible benefits of not being normal and rebelling against everything they ever were.
Originally Posted By: Mach1
When a MLCer sees you having a life outside of sitting and pining for them, they will do things to suck you back into the drama they need to make THEM feel normal...
They want you right where they left you....
Misery loves company....you have been company enough for now....
Originally Posted By: snodderly
He also wants to ensure that you are still right where he left you just in case things don't work out and he can come back. It's the old one toe in this pond and one toe in that pond.
It's the dance...it's to suck you in and keep you in his drama, it's to keep you on the hook.
SC, as I hope you see, the responses are basically the same in regards to MLC behaviors, regardless of the individualness of each situation.
They want to keep us in their drama. Personally, I do not know if it is truly intentional or subconscious, but either way, it happens…
It is time to let your H spin, watch and learn, but stay off of the rollercoaster…
It really is time...
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Basically letting your H spin, means let him do what ever it is he is doing and don’t concern yourself with it or let yourself get dragged into the drama.
Within themselves, they are up, down, back, forth, and zig zagging all over the place…
MLCer’s are filled with confusion and contradiction. We do not always see it, but many times we do…
You will hear terms like “alien”, “mothership”, “rollercoaster”, or other sorts of things that indicate up and down or really out of the normal behavior around here.
Personally, I have always viewed this as the teacup ride…
Where the cups spin in circles and then they don’t, you get dizzy and then you get your bearings for a while and then you are dizzy again…
It isn’t the best feeling, but it is a way to describe what the MLCer is going through to someone who is not going through the same process…
If you join him on the ride, you will eventually be just as confused as he is…
Which is what it appears like you are starting to do now and everyone wants you to avoid…
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Wants to kiss me, but I'm thinking, why? I mean, has ANYTHING changed?
So I ask him what he wants to say.
He asks "where was I this weekend?" (to which I just say doing stuff).
He asks me to come to his city to do something (like a date) and I tell him that would be OK but we'd have to plan it because I have the kids and work and can't just leave last minute. And it would have to be an actual date, not just a visit to his appartment!! He says he will think about it.
He says what is going on? And I say, I don't really know, it just seems like we are heading full-steam ahead towards D, and I don't understand what to do.
He says "D"? Who said anything about "D"?!!! This from a guy who's been to see 3 L's over 5 years, and has his current L communicating with my L over a sep agreement. WHAT?
Then he asks "what do I want from a relationship with someone else that I can't have with him " (for those of you not following the thread, he is the WAH, what I want is for him to come home!!!!)
Then he asks why I am not pursuing him, and I say because it is not in my nature to pursue men, he can pursue me if he is really interested.
I said something along the lines that I know he has a lot going on at the moment, and that he has a lot to think about in his life, and that he has to decide what he wants to do.
Then he gets angry, says that I (ME?) seem to have no trouble moving on from him, and he will be in touch (in a legal threatening sort of voice).
He marches to his car, drives away.
OK, what is that? Did I say something right? Did I say anything wrong?
How come it went from him trying to kiss me to anger and accusations?????
All I can say is very interesting. He's afraid you're moving on and wants to be pursued so he can turn you down is what I'm getting from this. The rejector wants to keep rejecting and not have his "control" taken from him.
