Day was OK so far...going to watch the fight in a few hours... Prob thought about W 50% of the day...took a nap though and woke up w/ the same "just like yesterday" feeling...
Hi Jasper, just wanted to check in and give you encouragement. Weekends are tricky and it's good to have plans. I get the same "just like yesterday" feelings too. I used to wake up and be in such shock that the pain was unbearable. It's softer now..that's 3months in...
Me 36; H 40 baby born in May M:13, T:15 Bomb (OW): Dec 09 began DBing: Feb WH overseas with OW old: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2027369#Post2027369
just sending some encouragement your way. Each day will get better. Weekends are hard but you will soon start to enjoy YOUR time. What has helped me the most is finding a way to spend my down time doing something I am passionate about. I ended up starting a business on a fluke within a few weeks time, should have a website launched for it in 4 weeks, already had my first out of state shipment with several other orders in town (I bake :-)). IF you like to read, get out the house and go to a bookstore/coffee shop and hang out there. Love food (I am a foodie), go eat by yourself at a nice restaurant but sit at the bar (someone will always strike up a conversation with you). I don't really like walks but some people find that relaxing also (personally they make me do too much thinking when I am alone and my mind is at rest). Oh, my favorite is to set a REALLY hard goal for yourself that will make you have to focus most of your energy on that ONE GOAL...almost like when you have the goal of saving your marriage and most of us on this site put ALL of our energy and thoughts everyday into DBing. CHANGE THE GOAL. Make your goal to run a half marathon or a regular marathon. The training is regimented where you would have to focus on meeting you running goals each day and on the weekend. It would also allow you to join a marathon training group and meet new people. They usually do their long runs together on the weekend and eat bkfast together afterwards.
Sorry so winded but just wanted to give you ALOT of options to keep you mind busy :-) Like my mom always said, "An idle mind is the devil's playground"
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
thanks 4luv- I read your sitch and am happy for the current attitude you've progressed to.
I hope to be there one day.
In the interest of full disclosure- I still very much love W and have continually beaten myself up over the failings of our M.
I know that W never suggested MC or reading books when she was concerned about our M, so I know that something tripped her up in the process to skip those steps (EA/PA).
I have spoken w/ my family and they HATE hearing me talk about my sitch b/c of the pain I still feel...
I keep wondering if W is emotionally disabled or if she's just SO heartbroken by me and our M...My father explained that everything I'm going through is the natural grieving process, that w has not gone through this, possibly from just being too numb, or distracted...
The other belief is that this is how W deals w/ things in general due to the traumatic losses she experienced as a child (father and brother passing).
I have no clue, b/c W NEVER shared those things w/ me- so I keep convincing myself she is emotionally whole and ridding herself of the garbage, so to speak.
On the other hand- endless family members have conveyed that W was exceptionally shallow in conversation, NEVER revealing herself or feelings, etc- just keeping things light and superficial.
This see-saw destroys me b/c as most WAS's do they leave LBS feeling as though they are completely to blame...rug pulled, no reasons, nothing...
I have done SO much wrong in our R that I cannot help but attempt to shoulder it all.
I dont know if W is smart and got rid of something holding her back, or if W is unable to truly love and be loved, or if I did everything differently whether or not I would still find myself here.
Just checking in on you. I haven't stopped by for a while. I am having the same thoughts you're having about W. I have no way of knowing A is still going on because I've detached and don't ask. The longer she goes with this thing. (it's been going on for over 6 months) and what she has said and written to me is that she doesn't want marriage to end, but she continues down this road.
I am starting really to think maybe she is just really f'd up and can't commit or is so wrapped up in the drug of the A that she can't pull away. Either way bad news.
You have to start to forgive yourself man. You're here so you want to be a better man. You've commited to this and not many folks have the nuts for this. You made mistakes and they are over. This won't get any easier until you truly focus on YOU. But the trick is you can't do that until you've had enough pain.
When you do, detach and the fog starts to lift. You can do REAL GALing. It does fade after a while but you have to take control of YOU.
Keep the faith.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
thanks Trurgrit- I would love to have something verbally or in writing from WAW saying something to the effect of what your W told you...I know it may only make the confusion for you worse...but it also says something about indecision and the possibility of regret on her part.
I try to GAL but never seem to truly enjoy myself...I keep as busy as I can but my mind is right there w/ me.
I almost wish I left the house so there would be no memories or intrusive thoughts.
I met some people this morning and I felt good getting out of my head...problem is my closest friend was there as well- he recently broke off his engagement b/c of some lies/behaviors of his fiance- so we both essentially bounce off of one another...
diff is he was w/ her for 4 months- I was w/ W for 6yrs...and we married obv.
Thanks for checking in and I will do my best to let the fog clear w/o fighting it.
"This won't get any easier until you truly focus on YOU. But the trick is you can't do that until you've had enough pain".
Greiving has it's own timetable...
I think what is happening to me is that the pain is just getting less raw..'fading' in intensity, might be the best way to explain it. And from that, there's more space for hope and the fog lifting.
Its strange...I get to a point almost every night where I'm just exhasted of it...I dont really romanticize the R anymore- I sure do flog myself a bit though...
But everynight I start to feal at peace, then the morning sets in w/ that dose of reality...sometimes she's not the first thing I think of, sometimes she is...when she is, I know it's a rough start.
I have to be honest though, I have still been stuck in a rut w/ the gym...I try to go in the morning but hit snooze too many times- still up by 5am though
Why don't you find a new athletic activity, instead of going to the gym...? I just looked into rowing! We live on a great river, right across from where they launch. Every am in the Spring/Summer/Fall I hear them out there, in fact they wake me up!!! I always wanted to try, so I am going to! If you're in a rut at the gym, do something else! From your profile pic, you look in shape... biking? running group? Triathlon?
Me-46, D-21, S15, S13
After many years w/my head in the sand... I FILED Divorced 6/2011
The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think.
I am over in the MLC forum. There are some very wise folks over there because it takes so long to go through MLC. I wanted to post you something from Lostforwords. It is what we are doing here and if you can live it, truly-you will make it through this. It is something I believe in:
Quoted from Lostforwords: I feel there are two steps for an LBS in ending the relationship and moving on.
Step 1- Accepting that the old marriage is over. Even if there is a reconciling, the marriage of old is dead. That is why I like the approach over here in MLC. By focusing on yourself, as opposed to forcing or controlling the overall situation, the issues that the LBS finds within themselves have been addressed. More so....those issues have been wiped out by consistency and habit. So in the new marriage or future relationships those old issues don't reappear. You have time to take ownership in the parts of the marriage that you might have been lacking instead of just saying it was all the WAS.
Down the road from that is;
Step 2- At this point you can make serious decisions about any future with the WAS. These decisions are based on a sound emotional footing. You can really ask yourself "Was the marriage that good?" or "Was my spouse really that good for me?", and of course "Will my future be better by completely letting it go?".
end of quote.
Jasper use this time that you are obsessing about W and what she is doing to do something completely and only for you. For example I am taking horse riding lessons. I don't have to see anybody that knows W or about W. It is MY time. And something I have always wanted to learn how to do. GALing doesn't have to mean being with others all the time. I know it's scary to be alone with your thoughts. Secondly, you said you made mistakes- well why? What in yourself do you need to own up to? I don't need the answer it's for you and if you want to be better the next time around than you owe it to YOU. Next time around might be with W or not. Only you will know but you will know from a firm emotional footing.
I tell myself this: If I leave it will be on my terms not because W kicked me in the guts and I didn't have the fortitude to handle it. We are not hanging out because we've been left behind. I think LBS is a debilitating term. I think we are the strongest spouse left standing (SSLS) Standing for our marriage and standing for ourselves. We WERE left behind but we are gaining ground and surpassing.
It's a process Jasper. But it is not a race.
I'm not through it by any stretch, but you have to keep focus on you or you will die inside. It will leave you with scars you will carry for years. Commit to this for YOU. Do this for YOU.
My goal is to some day be the person my dog thinks I am
