8, I would steer away from the friendly chat about D. Don't hold his hand through the process or give him emotional support to feel strong enough to D you.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
Me: 45 WAW: 45 | M22 | T25 | No Kids Nov 09 W Filed | Dec 09 Separation Mar 17 2010 Divorce Papers Signed | Divorce Hearing Cancelled Moved back home May 2010 PA Confirmed June 2010 | W left Dec 7 2010
I don't think H should expect a friendly D chat. I want to hear what the lawyer told him, but I'm also going to express again that I'm not interested in a D. In other words, he should be fully informed--if he is not already--of my intent to contest the D.
I will be gracious and kind, just as my lovely southern mother and grandmother taught me. However, I will not be helpful or emotionally supportive.
flowmom, what would you suggest I do to NOT give him emotional support to feel strong enough to D me? Others, feel free to respond as well.
Thanks, mrbt! I'm proud of it, too. It looks better, and I feel productive. I've been back out to admire it today and pull a few smaller weeds here and there. Some neighbors have walked over at different times today, and it's been good to have a chance to make some small talk (and though a few of the neighbors are notoriously nosy, I still liked the interaction).
This may sound silly, mrbt, but my primary love language (from the love languages book) is "words of affirmation." I've always appreciated kind words from my family members and friends (and H, of course). It meant a lot to hear a compliment! Thanks for that!
Why do you need info from him? Why not just say that you intend to contest any divorce proceedings and say that you don't want to discuss it any further?
Talking about it puts him in a comfort zone about the whole thing. He can make it real for himself by talking about it with you and your kind reaction helping him to feel strong in his choice.
I don't know... hope you get other opinions about this because I may be on the wrong track here.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I'm not sure. I'm never going to lie and tell my H that I think something is not fixable and that D is the only way. Yet I'm not interested in being with someone who for whatever reason doesn't want to be with me. But I'm not going to pretend I hold an opinion I don't either. So next time this discussion comes up for me, I guess I will validate that that is his current reality, beliefs, emotions, but I won't hold the same opinion if I don't. Yet I will not spend any time trying to "convince" him either. If that makes sense. So I will try to make him feel heard, I guess, and hope that I am heard. Don't know if that's proper DB or not. But I'm not going to attempt to persuade. And I'm not going to lie.
These are good points, flowmom. I guess I have a selfish interest in knowing what he and the lawyer discussed. I also want him to talk me about his meeting so that I can gauge his nonverbals and paraverbals as he speaks.
H is coming by some time today regardless. He has mail to retrieve, and he hasn't been here since I've completed arranging the living room. To pat myself on the back, it looks sooooo good. I need an area rug for the floor, but that can wait. This is a place I know H would like to live. He just doesn't know that yet.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
rr22, your post does make sense. I believe our problems are fixable, and I won't stop holding that opinion. I do not believe that D is a solution or even an option, and I won't stop expressing that. I know that attempting to convince or persuading with words is not going to change anything dramatically, but I can show him with my actions. I can make him a believer by continuing my positive changes and by demonstrating them.
Like you, I don't want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with me, but I'm not completely convinced that H doesn't want to be with me. He has just said he's afraid he could never be happy here again and that things would never change. That leaves me some room to work.
Thanks for reminding me to be honest as I listen to H and to not waste my time on words intended to persuade or convince.
