Now that post made me feel good reading how much stronger you sound. Do you know that you can actually separate your feelings about your W from happiness with your life? That is more than most can do! I am impressed!
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Regarding the sympathy card. I really went back and forth with that one. I decided that if it was one of her friends, I would want to know and probably like my name added to the card. I was just trying to extend that courtesy to my W. Like I said, I realy wasn't sure of the right thing to do in that situation. One of the things I continue to struggle with is what is important to contact her about. I don't want to do anything that might even remotely be seen as pressuring her. Sometimes it hard to make all of the right moves. Before I make a decision I try to see it through her eyes and how it might make her feel or respond. I am trying to only contact her about the house when absolutely necessary.
I understand completely. But as you know, I am trying to give you her POV as a WAW. Some things seem so silly, doesn't it? But, none the less, it can put pressure on her and will work against you in the end. LBH's do have a hard time knowing what they should consider important enough for contact, and when in doubt....just do what you feel is the right thing. Just remember that she wants to think of herself as "single" aNd you want to think of you together. Maybe if you asked yourself what would you do if the two of you were single....that would help.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Thanks Sandi. Just checking in today. I'm having a good weekend so far. Getting ready to go to the gym for some exercise. I also play soccer at the same gym a couple nights a week. My W was there Thursday but I didn't go to that side of the gym to say hello. I was proud of myself for showing self control. Makes me think the cognitive behavior techniques my counselor is teaching me are working. I could have looked for a reason to say hello to her but I didn't. Again, don't want to pressure her.
One thing I have been thinking of lately is when/if my W and I begin to work on our M, how do we get past the awkwardness? Strange to say that there would be awkwardness with the woman I have been with for 19 years but I'm sure it will happen. Gr8 day 2B alive said something in his thread that caught my attention. He said that it took the WAW a lot of courage to leave and will take even more courage to come back. How do they get that courage to come back and try? Just a couple of questions that I've given some thought to lately. I even think that when/if my W and I get back together, how do we go back to sharing our lives together again? Sleeping in the same bed again? I wonder if my W will feel uncomfortable if I touch her? I guess maybe these things are just stuff that we work on. This is where I think MC will be so helpful when/if the times comes. I'm not sure that it will be so awkward for me but I would imagine it might be for my W.
I decided not to call my W this weekend. The things we need to discuss can wait until Monday...nothing earth shattering that needs to be discussed this weekend so I want to leave her alone and also make time for me. I don't want her to think I'm ignoring her but I'm also trying not to be so available to her.
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
I believe when a WAW reconciles with her H, he has to be prepared to take things in very small baby steps. If the two of you can talk about her feelings and how she wants to approach certain things in the R then that would be good, but everyone can't or doesn't do that.
Making the decision to go back into the M will be huge for her and even if she has good intentions of trying to be a good W and work at the M, I believe that it is still hard for a lot of WAW's b/c they are having to deal with some hard personal issues within themselves. So, you need to let her kind of guide the pace of things. In many ways, I think you have to continue the DBing until the MR is healty again.
Giving her space and not doing things to pressure her. Not asking her a lot of questions (taking temputure of the R). Some LBH's may want to spend a lot of time and have closeness in order to assure them that the WAW is going to remain, but that puts pressure on her. Just as before, you do not want to appear desparate & clingy. It is so important to continue to show strenth, confidence and male attractiveness.
I strongly advise that you wait for her to lead the way about physical affection and having sex. I would not push her at all in the beginning, especially. Unless she never showed signs of warming to you, then MC would probably be in order. I don't know how she is but most women need to feel good about the M in order to want to ML......JMHO. So, it will take time for her to start to relax and start feeling attraction.
Keep the home atmosphere as light as possible. Watch funny movies and stay away from watching things about M problems, affairs, etc. That causes akwardness, for sure. Just try to stay exposed to positive things (friends, etc.) and be as charming & attractive as you can......but remember not to ever let her take her bad mood out on you b/c that would be starting out on the wrong foot.
It is not easy by no means, and every couple is different in their own way. Some R's heal a lot faster than others and they can get back into the normal swing of things. Just don't expect it to happen all at once. Baby steps all the way.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
I believe when a WAW reconciles with her H, he has to be prepared to take things in very small baby steps. If the two of you can talk about her feelings and how she wants to approach certain things in the R then that would be good, but everyone can't or doesn't do that.
Making the decision to go back into the M will be huge for her and even if she has good intentions of trying to be a good W and work at the M, I believe that it is still hard for a lot of WAW's b/c they are having to deal with some hard personal issues within themselves. So, you need to let her kind of guide the pace of things. In many ways, I think you have to continue the DBing until the MR is healty again. Giving her space and not doing things to pressure her. Not asking her a lot of questions (taking temputure of the R). Some LBH's may want to spend a lot of time and have closeness in order to assure them that the WAW is going to remain, but that puts pressure on her. I strongly advise that you wait for her to lead the way about physical affection and having sex. I would not push her at all in the beginning, especially. Unless she never showed signs of warming to you, then MC would probably be in order. I don't know how she is but most women need to feel good about the M in order to want to ML......JMHO. So, it will take time for her to start to relax and start feeling attraction.
Keep the home atmosphere as light as possible. Watch funny movies and stay away from watching things about M problems, affairs, etc. That causes akwardness, for sure. Just try to stay exposed to positive things (friends, etc.) and be as charming & attractive as you can......but remember not to ever let her take her bad mood out on you b/c that would be starting out on the wrong foot.
It is not easy by no means, and every couple is different in their own way. Some R's heal a lot faster than others and they can get back into the normal swing of things. Just don't expect it to happen all at once. Baby steps all the way.
Very good points here sandi. I have had 8 phone sessions with a coach and during one session she told me about the "reconciliation process" There are four stage:
1. Dust settling- Understanding the situation and her feelings. 2. Friendship - not dating, being active with the kids 3. Romance- dating, sex, and R talk. 4. Recommitment to M.
She told me they must follow in that order, if you skip a phase or go too fast, the R will not be healed.
I do think the pace is up to the WAW. All the LBS can do is be patient and let things develop as they may.
In my sitch, W offering to take time off from work so I could go on my annual fishing trip is a sign of friendship. I am not reading into it too much, but it is a baby step for her. In fact this is the FRIENDLY jesture she has shown me and it has been almost 8 months since the bomb.
Keep the positive changes going, it is a long, bumpy road.
Bomb 8/09. Brief piecing 12/10. D-2/12 Two incredible kids D9,S6 Leading new life! “Success is not to be pursued; it is to be attracted by the person we become."
Thanks for sharing that list. Do you all see how far down the list "recommitment" is? All those other things need to come first, however, most LBH's want the promise of recommitment first. That was the stumbling block for me b/c when H & I were trying to talk, he kept saying that she wanted me to commit to our M 100% and see me working at it. It brought up old resentments b/c I felt that I had been the only one working at it all our M life. I was tired, confused, and ready to walk out the door and he wanted me to promise recommitment. That is when I told him that I was not at that point yet. I had to be willing "to be willing" and it takes time for the WAW to get there. Making the decision that she will stay in the M is her first step. IDK, but for some WA's it may be that they get up each day and decide just for that day they will stay. One day at a time until things start to slowly get better.
Coming out of the fog helps sooooo much. I was not out ofthe fog when I made my decision to drop the contact with OM, so I had a long way to go. However, making that decision had to be done "first". It does no good to say one is going to decide to stay in a M if they don't stop an A.
After the A stops, then the WA has to go through grieving, lonliness, depression,etc. It really sucks and the LB is hurt if they do not understand this process b/c they feel the WA should love them and not be grieving over OP. It isn't always just the OP....but the dream castle in their minds. That was my ordeal. I wanted to be happy and I thought OM could give me what I needed. Facing my reality was the last thing I wanted b/c I had dealt with the stinking reality for too many years and I was sick of it. So, it's hard for everyone concerned.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
Sandi, thanks for sharing your perspective regarding how my W might act during any possible reconciliation. I know it will be a long journey but I am ready and willing. If I'm lucky enough for that to happen I will take things at my W's pace. Listening to your comments helps me understand a bit more what my W might be going through.
Gr8 day 2B alive, thank you for sharing that list. I guess I'm beginning the 2nd stage. My W and I are becoming "friendly". No R talk yet but that's ok. That does seem very positive that your W is willing to take some time off work so you can go on your trip. Looks like your sitch is a couple of months further along than mine. I've seen a few very small positive signs from my W. My DB coach helped me to see these positive things...made me feel better about the sitch.
Sandi, I definitely see how far down the list any possible recommitment will be. I'm willing to continue to put in the work. I can't let 19 wonderful years together just go away and not be willing to put whatever amount of time it will take to heal this M. Since my W is not in an A, what are some of the things she might have trouble letting go of and also have trouble facing? I think you mentioned coming back to reality as one thing, any others? What helps a W come out of her fog when there isn't another man? Time I guess?
On a positive note, I am going back to working nights at my real estate career. I took steps to make that happen today. Looking forward to it. Now I'll be active in my 3 jobs. Hoping the real estate career comes back strong. I'd like to be able to get back to it full time one day. W wanted me to get over my company closing (depression)and get a job for the past 2 years. Well, W, look at me now! Went to the gym yesterday, first time in over a month. Felt good to get back. Unfortunately I got food poisioning last night and have been sick as a dog this morning. Feeling better now and off for my evening plans. It's nice to get back to a sense of normalcy in my life. Starting to get my life back in order again. Would be nice to include my W in it again one day. W has originally told me when she left me that people don't change. Wrong! I'll say it again, look at me now W! W, you should come back and join me!
Feeling good today, can you tell?
M 38 WAW 36 Together 19 years Married 12 years Bomb/Separated Oct. 09 I love my wife Sitch
Since my W is not in an A, what are some of the things she might have trouble letting go of and also have trouble facing? I think you mentioned coming back to reality as one thing, any others? What helps a W come out of her fog when there isn't another man?
You may need to get first hand advice from Greek about that, since I did have an EA. But for now, I would think she would have to let go of any dreams of a better life without you, and want to spend the rest of her days with you. IDK, but I'd think a WAW who was not in an A would not go through some things one in an A would do. She obviously would not have to experience a grieving process. I don't know if they experience a level of "fog" that one in an A does since their mind is not clouded with all the OM stuff. I simply do not know and perhaps a WAW not in an A would not know how to gauge the level of fog either.
I would think that she would have to see you as being more attractive in order to come back.....whereas when in an A, it is sometime just the right thing to do. That is what my decision was based on....it was just the right thing to do but I was certainly not attracted to H.
Other things would be considered, but as I said, check with Greek b/c I would simply be guessing on a lot of what I've not experienced personally.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
sorry for stepping into your thread mza but sandi i could really really really use your advice and held with my situation from a former WAW perspective
waw 36 (spiritual covenant and common law marriage)me 32 together 13 mos. Bomb dropped march 2nd 2010
children SD (8) S (10) S (3) need help from anyone with my sitch
My wife was not having an affair either, but she was definitely not attracted to me when she decided to attempt to stay M. She also was in a fog, for a long period of time but not as long as I think it would have been in recovering from the addiction of an OM.
It is definetely a patience game and thankfully I was ready for it because I got the great advice from those here. A few months went by, she went to IC to "fix herself", and I waited patiently trying like heck (mistakes here were made I am not going to lie) not to puxh.
One day she said, "I can really start to see you and I together in the future." That was the first time she saw us together in her mind in a really long time she said. Then, we started to go to MC (I was finally invited in, big deal at the time), then after a couple of months of that, I asked if we had an MC appointment, and she said, "nah, I cancelled it, we're good."
Was I perfect no, but the old ignorant Burt, would have been all up in her pleading with her to hurry up and get with the program. Patience is key, and continue to live your life for you. Have fun, and take the slow steps necessary to build her confidence back up that the changes you have implemented are real and permanant, then as Michele says, the WAW has a softening of the heart.
