There have been many more baby steps. She wanted to go to school event together. I told her of an upcoming business trip and she wants to go too. She is starting to open up more about what she is feeling and it isn't pretty. It is painful to listen to but the good thing is that she is facing her past.
I could be very wrong, but she may be disengaging from the OM; i.e. trying to get rid of him, so she's testing the waters to see how things are going to go with you.
It's like she's attempting to make a choice for herself; and although this sounds kind of sick/twisted, considering she's still talking to OM, yet beginning to talk to you, she's trying to make sure whatever choice she makes is going to be right for her. Selfish, I know, but you want to come out looking like the better man for her. And, apparently, to her, you ARE the better choice....or she wouldn't have gone to so much trouble to test these waters to see how difficult it's going to be for her.
Her actions will become a little more clear as her intentions become more firm within, if that makes any sense at all.
Regardless, the MLC'er DOES remember how they were treated while within the tunnel, never mind they do not remember all they did to the LBS. My husband DID remember how I treated him, even though he did NOT remember all he did to me. In time, with the added forgiveness on both sides, ALL damage was forgotten by both him and me.
With that said:
No matter what she says, don't take it personally, nor react in nothing but calm to anything she says/does for now.
You must accept everything about her, and she must see in your actions that you do/will accept and forgive her. There is an adjustment that will take place within both of you as her life begins to run in tandem with yours once again.
This should become more clear to you as her "running" slows down and ceases. She should also open up even more, as time goes on, and don't be surprised if she cries and cries hard about all of damage..that is all right.
The children, especially the seven year old, seem to be the biggest source of her guilt, at the moment, that is really working on her. It's my belief she's also seeing what life would be like without you(and the children) in it, but again the hurt of the children is more of what she's seeing...and it's pricking her conscience, or what's left of it, pretty hard.
She came back, initially, because of the children, but the driving force within her has kept her running away, but coming back. Back and forth it has gone, and continues to go, until it resolves completely.
You're right, though she's making small steps toward you, you are nowhere near getting through this completely. Time is one of the biggest factors in MLC, and you've got plenty of that.
Validate, be empathetic, encourage and build her up, as she feels she's failed in many areas of her life. On the surface, she may seem to reject what you say, but inside she will process your encouraging remarks.
I know it's hard, but NOTHING about this is a cakewalk. Nobody said self-growth was ever easy, it involves pain, suffering, acceptance, and forgiveness of self.
People have the most trouble with forgiving themselves; they may forgive others without any trouble, but they are so hard on themselves...and some never forgive themselves...misery is a result of unforgiveness of self.
We're only human, and prone to mistakes...and we have to realize that; even the person going through MLC/Transition/emotional crisis.
We cannot change the past, only look toward the future, pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, FORGIVE ourselves, learning from the mistakes we make, and work our way forward.
The growing never stops, once we get a handle on it; it continues to our last breath.
It takes a great deal of strength to handle someone going through the growing pains of self growth.
With what you've learned and continue to learn, you'll make it through, Cyclone.
Keep us posted.
Remember, as each person is different, every MLC/Transition is different..what works for one may not work for another. Most of the time it is trial and error for ALL involved.
