I have been reccomending 4luv go into protection phase for probably over two months now...
I do NOT think she should be interacting with him.
I do think her support team should approach him with some consequences put togther and give him an ultimatum to
a. Grow up and work on his mariage b. Continue the destructive behavior and accept the afformentioned consequences
Right now I don't see much by way of consequences for him.. until your cheating spouse knows cheating will cause THEM inconvenience they will continue.
But no I don't think 4luv should be involved in that intervention at all.. nor mb28, I have been advising protection phase for boht of them for some time...
It's nto healthy to be exposed to a WS who is in ANY sort of addition for more than say a couple weeks... after that its too much pain
I thought that when I moved out with our son a month ago that was a consequence and for about a week or two it seemed to get husband to thinking about his actions. But now, nothing. It doesn't seem to bother him one bit that me and his son are 6 hours away from him. IT doesn't seem to bother him that by the time he sees our son again it will have been 2 months since the last time he saw him. So if loosing his family physically isn't a consequence then I don't know what other type of consequence he would need in order to stop his destructive behavior. I am GOING into protection phase after writing this out and processing everything. IF loosing his family and then loosing contact with me won't cause a serious lost for him to turn around then I don't think that anything else I would do could either.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
Yup you are right 4luv, you are doing everything right.
If he doen'st man up after this then you know you can't rely on him.
Qustion.. what about child suport, is he offering anything there at all?
Is this just voluntary or has a court assigned him a specific number?
I am wondering if him having to pay for child support and spoussal support for a family he doesn't see might wake him up at all... but right now he is telling you not to rely on him... I am not saying give up, but I am saying focus on the rest of your life for the moment.
It may take him six months to wake up.. we don't want YOU holding your breath for six months and stressing yourself out.
The key thing is you can't give him ANY interaction or he's cake eating... he needs to realize he gets his current lifestyle OR his marriage.. when you meet up with him, let him giv eyou a massage and then go out for a drink wthi him and such... he's cake eating.. you aer telling him he can be single AND married
He wants to be married and wants to be around you, but he WANTS to be single too... you can't keep giving him both is all.. once the gravy train is over he has to make a choice
I have not done court assigned child support(CS) yet. I was planning on doing a voluntary amount but when I talked to the FT yesterday during our appointment, he recommended that I handle it through the courts because husband's actions are showing him not to be trustworthy. The FT also based it on the fact that husband has a voluntary CS set up with OW and a few months ago he lowered her payments. She agreed to the lower payments (for what reason I don't know) but I think it is because she thought that they were about to be/live together.
So, I was going to try the voluntary support first. If I go with the court ordered CS I will have to file in the state where husband lives because it is based on where the child lived for the past 6 months. If I wait 5 more months then I can file in the state where I currently live. I was trying to avoid having to make the trip back to husband's current state. I am going to look into it more though. I would rather have court ordered child support so that I don't have to contact husband about late payments, etc.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
You have a similar situation with mb28, but in your H's case I get the feeling he doens't WANT to be married and haev the responsabilities of a family and a spouse
I think mb28's husband WANTS a wife and a family... he just doenst realise he already HAS that .. or he feel so miserable he doesn't have any hope that he can repair it
again its mr mb28's MOOD holding him back... all the hope in the world is there... he is just too miserable to see any of it
Your H hasn't fully grown up yet I don't think.. in the sense of accepting responsabilities... mb28's husband wants it, he just has from his perspective two equally conflicting choices...
The film Beautiful Girls covers three stories of three men who make a mess of their relationships and refuse to grow up... it expresses this dilemna quite poetically...
4luv, I think you have been posting for many months, right? Wasn't he the man that was actually teasing you about cheating on you? Is my memory correct?
IF I am, Allen, I think you should read back much further on her old thread. I think, IMO, he has been emotionally abusive and pretty mean. Planning Thanksgiving as a family and then leaving for days with no word to you and then being snippy on the phone. While you had canceled plans to visit your family b/c he had wanted Thanksgiving together. Other nonsense like that.
Do I have this, correct?
Allen, if you have time, can you read back much further than 2 months? I think you may have some different views on things, maybe...
M38, H37 S3, S7 Together 15 yrs Married 8 yrs Bomb July 2008 Inhouse separation "I hate you" "We are over" (too many times to count) Reconciled Sept 2009 (still worth it)
I need help...I have been maintaining very little contact with husband. I am detached and actually things have been going smoothly for me. I don't contact husband but when he calls, sometimes I answer and sometimes I don't.
Well, he called again yesterday and I answered before looking at the caller id because I was rushing out the door and had my phone in my hand. I got off the phone quickly because I was rushing out the door...he was trying to tell me about something with work but I REALLY was running late. Told him I would call him back in about 30 min. Well, 30 min for me turned into 3 hours and I hadn't called him back. Husband called me back and I answered and he began telling me about his job and how he had a meeting with his boss and might loose his job due to something that he did. I won't go into detail, it isn't too serious but it is something that they could either suspend him for, give him a warning, or they might actually could decide to fire him. His boss told him he would sit on it for a few days and then get back to him regarding what he was going to do. I listened and didn't say much. I usually would give husband reassurance, etc. but I just listened. I felt bad inside but I only could talk for 5 min because I was once again on my way out to meet up with some friends for dinner. I never called husband back while out because (1) I didn't think I should rescue him by giving him reassurance and (2) both my cell phones batteries died while I was out. When I got home very late and charged my cell phones, husband had texted both phones and asked was I still at a specific restaurant. I NEVER told husband what I was doing or where I was going so one of his friends must have seen me and told him. I didn't text him back and went to sleep.
Question is, am I doing this right regarding his situation? The usual me would have called him back and been his listening ear and just been there for him...we would have come up with a plan together and I would let him know that everything would work out in the end. I do feel bad and am concerned about husband and his job situation. He is worried and just wants to know if he will have a job before he moves into his new apartment. If he does have to resign then he needs to know before he is responsible for rent. I know that he just wants someone to talk to because at first his attitude towards the situation was "it is what it is...no used in crying over spilled milk" but the next time he said he was stressed out about the situation. The "nice girl" in me wants to listen to him, tell him God will work it out...but the "new me" is listening IF I have time, thinking about how I am in a situation that is less than ideal due to husband's actions and he didn't sympathize with me, and not taking on husband's problems as my own (detached :-)). This is his mess and he will clean it up. It is just an inner battle with being nice and not letting people use me. I know it will really be a blow if he looses his job. I HONESTLY don't think he will but these things could go either way.
Me: 28 H: 32 1st marriage 4 both 1 1/2 year married 2gether for 9 1S: 6months 1stepson: 2yo
