What does this mean?- the WH's regrets?

[lees]

BTW I got both DB and DR books second hand on the internet for only a couple of quid so it doesn't have to be expensive.

[gatsby11]

Hi, new people!

Mr. Bond, whoa! I hope that my presence here doesn't offend you. Dialogue is always good. I should read the book, sure, that's true. (I'm heading to the bookstore tonight, so I'll probably pick it up.) But I don't think I'm as far off this site's philosophy as you may think.

But to answer your question, am I interested in "saving" my M? I am interested in focusing on myself right now. That's what GAL is, right? I'm not obsessing over things that I can do or not do to influence him.

I think it is possible that if I do everything just right, he will come back. BUT I don't want to do everything right for that reason. I want to do everything right because it is best for me, I'll be happiest. Also, I want him to be back with me based on his own conviction. I think my WH is actually quite a follower, and I want him to discover on his own what he will be committed to.

I fear reconciliation and then another abandonment because he wasn't in it fully. And I will do a lot to make sure that doesn't happen. And that may be where I'm not fully DBing.

TeleDad, it's a question that I never really thought of before this all happened-- do I believe in M? I guess I don't believe you can make someone else stay in one. You can try. Or you don't have to. You can make reconciliation worse. (I definitely agree with a lot of MWD's no-nos.) But you can maintain not making it worse and then try to genuinely move on!

"When you GAL you may find you enjoy life again and stop obsessing over you M. I'm trying to do this myself. Easier said than done. At present I'm in the "Fake it til you make it" faze." I like that you said this. I think sometimes I'm faking it, and sometimes it's real. And sometimes I wish I didn't have to be doing it at all.

But anyway, thanks for writing. This is a support system, and it is a place to share experiences and advice. As you can see above, being on this website did change my actions. So feel free to call me out on stuff. I don't mind.

[Piano]

Gatsby, I think we are talking cross purposes about you wanting to save your M or not... I think you DO want to save your marriage, but you want to do it with integrity and self-respect (ie - you want him to come back of his own accord).

This is great.

And with this attitude, I bet your GAL attempts will be more successful that most of us here, cos you don't sound needy.

But I do have one reservation : does your H know you haven't shut the door on your M completely? You wouldn't want to make this look like it's what YOU want.
That would be detrimental.

Also, can I ask. When he told you he wanted to leave, what was your reaction? Did you do the usual beg, plead, try to reason, scream stuff?

[gatsby11]

Hey Piano!

I didn't realize there were two books! (I'm such a newbie here.) So I had only flipped through the DB one. Today at the book store I actually skimmed the DR one for an hour until I was done. Good stuff, except it seemed like a lot of it was for couples who still lived together. I can't even imagine. That would be so hard.

Anyway, about your question/reservation: I did email him back to say that I was no longer was sure if I wanted divorce, so I was going to push it off 'till after the birth. I said if he had a problem with it to let me know. I didn't think he'd say anything back and he hasn't. So, yeah, it is stupid that I wrote initiating the talk and then after he said "okay", i wrote back to say I didn't want it anymore. But it's how it happened. I don't think I ruined anything too much. He's gone back and forth and up and down so. . .

I just had to send an email to his mom explaining why I thought about divorce. She's another person who doesn't want us to divorce, but I didn't let her know that was in my mind, so she was surprised.

Maybe it is splitting hairs, but (and this is what I explained to her) I don't see divorce as an obstacle to he and I being together. I completely saw divorce as financial protection for myself and this baby! He was soooo out of his mind, not talking to any old friends, acting like a new person, etc, that I didn't feel like I could trust him to help me in two months. Now that he has committed financially and seems to have mentally stabilized a good deal, I am okay with just having a contract. So, yeah. I've explained a lot about that now.

All right, old times now. When he told me he wanted to leave. . . well, at first, I don't think I understood. Either that or I denied it, I don't know. So he had to tell me a few times. (that's why I say "finally understood" on my signature!) When I finally understood, I tried to reason only. Since we had always resolved our disputes through (usually) calm conversation, I pointed out all of his logical flaws. But that only lasted two conversations, honestly. Then I moved out and we started talking only logistics. (I did feel better pointing out all the flaws. At the end of the 2nd convo, he said I could have been right and that he was going to think about it. It was good to feel heard, even though it didn't change his actions at all.)

There was one email I sent when I said something like he was my best friend, he was the main person I wanted to tell about all of this, and why couldn't he stop it. He didn't respond to that email.

And then right before we went fully dark, I sent him an email that said I loved him. I know, not a DB thing. But I meant it, and I don't regret it. i said I loved him and I wished this all wasn't happening. (I had just denied him some money and he was mad at me.) He didn't reply to that, either.

One part I really liked in the DR book was the section on midlife crises and how they could happen at any age. That chapter was exactly our situation. And her emphasis was definitely GAL, so I think I'm on the right track with that. Thanks for saying I don't sound needy, Piano, because I have really tried not to be. I think one thing I've learned through this thing is that I have more self-confidence than I ever thought. I do believe he's missing out not being with me, and I also believe that someday he will realize that. (This year? Next year? When he's forty-freakin-five and I'm hopefully married again?)

I also think that what really helped me was changing locations. I didn't want to stay in the apartment that he and I shared because it had too many memories. I had my low period at his sister's, and then my new place was MY place! I really feel for folks who have to stay in the same place. And as I wrote before, those who live with their WSpouses. That has to take such major self-control, wow.

I can tell I'm tired because that's when I don't stop talking. So I should go. bye!

[Wholeagain]

You have retained a lawyer, haven't you? I think you need to decide on what's best for you to do from financial standpoint as well as how it affects child custody. And then correlate with your DB strategy.

I've seen some LBS's filing for D having success in reversing their WAS's. It is a heavy tool, when it's implemented appropriately.

((( gatsby )))

[saffie]

Personally, I think until your baby is born you might not know what the heck is going to happen, but after things might resolve quite quickly. Firstly because the birth of a child is a highly emotional thing, and secondly, because it will make both your and your H's needs and wants more obvious.

You sound to be in a good place gatsby.

[gatsby11]

Yeah, I haven't exactly 'retained' a lawyer yet, but I have one who will help me in writing up my separation contract. Which I need to do soon, actually. . .

He wrote an email today with logistics. He wrote very nicely, though, and ended with a line about how he hopes I'm enjoying the weather.

It's good that he's not so angry at me anymore. But I guess I don't know what to think beyond that.

Saffie, look at you, a success story! I might have to look in the archives and read some of your old posts. . .

Thanks!

[ninelives]

Hey Gatsby:

Sorry you are going through this with the pressures of a baby on the way, that must make it really tough. If you don't regret telling your h that you love him, i don't think that is an awful thing. I don't for a second believe as LBS that our WA's don't know that we love them. What they need to realize is be that as it may , we can still live without them and succeed.

Going dark is difficult but very necessary. This has made my WAW take notice and planted doubt in her head. I'm still not even close to recon. but she has mentioned that she doesn't know if she is doing the right thing from two months ago when she said " Close all doors and through away the key". Now when we talk , she wants to make sure that the "doors are open" if she is making the wrong move. Some see it as cake eating and it may be to some extent but I see it as a very confused women having a little bit of an awakening.

You may be in this for the long haul but i think that what you are doing protecting your finances is also very wise.

Best of luck to you.

[Babydoll]

hi Gatsby,

do get yourself a copy of DR... i read both, and although it is really hard when you (like i) are not living with your H, but it does offer good tips and advice and stregnth.

I was served D papers and i must admit, that in an angry conversation, before i read DR and DB of course, I told my WAS to file for a divorce if he was so adament about not loving me anymore... i was so angry one day i sent him the address of where to go... when he did file, 3 weeks ago, he said he thought i wanted it too... evern though i cried and pleaded him not to file... and that i said it out of anger. but i wish i never mentioned it or brought it up. i am not making excuses for him and know that he probably would have filed regardless, but please... please please please do not mention divorce or talk about papers, etc. unless you are 100% ready to go forward with it. you can not take the words back, and it doesnt make them want to run back to you. in fact it does the opposite and basically makes them think you condone what they say and are on the same page.

His confusion is a great sign... i would think. the fact that he has a teeny tiny doubt that he could be doing the wrong thing shows that he is not certain that a D is what he wants too.

My C gave me a great peice of advice... which i believe you already started doing, from what i read above... tell him you are 100% dedicated and focused on your pregnancy and the welfare of your baby... and that you are not going to think about D until you are emotionally (and hormonally for us PG women) stable to make those decisions. i understand why you would want the separationc contract. funny bc i was served w papers and when i told my WAH last week i was not signing the papers he became calmer, less confrontational, and understood my reasons for not signing. i think i looked into it a little too much and thought maybe, just maybe, he finally realized this is not what i really want! as a matter of fact, he asked why i brought it up in an argument if it wasnt what i wanted. we had a few days of civil conversation...im sure you read on my thread... and now i need to back off from him...

but what i guess im saying is to just take care of yourself... i originally believed that if he filed it meant he really wanted out... and even with papers in my hands i am not convinced... im stupid i guess and naive and hopeful... but truth is we never know. but dont rush into it...

you are pro-marriage... and do believe... that is what this site is all about!

stay strong!!!!! Take care of yourself and that baby!

[gatsby11]

Hey guys,

A little low. . . I drove by his apartment yesterday at 10:30 pm (I was out late, crazy! :)) and I saw that his lights were off. Which meant a) he's out at a bar or something, b) he's at a guy's house, or c) he's at a girl's house. Yes, there's the slight chance that he was in there sleeping. But I really doubt it!

This knocked me down a bit. I knew I shouldn't have driven by, but I couldn't resist! It was on my way home.

So I spent yesterday night in anger. And then most of today in sadness! I guess going through the cycle all over again. My only comfort is that the more I do this, the easier it gets. And it's true. I didn't cry at all, so that's a huge step from a month and a half ago!

Then I heard from his sister that he's going to spend Easter with them. Which is good. I'm planning on having them give him the settlement contract that I got written up this week. Not sure how he's going to react to it. . . we'll see. . . Fortunately, I got an Easter invite from a friend, so I'm pretty excited for that. And grateful! It was always the 4 of us-- him and me and his sister and her husband-- so it's a little sad that we can't keep doing that.

Thanks for your replies, guys . . . if the D topic comes up again Babydoll, I can definitely use your line. (Unless I'm the one bringing D up, ha ha! Sorry, had to say it. :)) I am pro-relationship, though, that's for sure.

All right, off to watch 30 Rock and go to bed! bye!